One day all mathematical signs gathered together in order to go into an adventure. Right before they were leaving, they didn't let the equal sign go with them.
They wanted to live an adventure without equal
I got let go from the dairy farm.
Apparently I don't work well with udders.
A Chinese stand up comedian was half way his set when all the lights went out. He told the crowd to put all their hands in the air and wave. As by a miracle the lights came back on. ...
...'' You see? Many hands make light work.''
We're all steakholders in these incidents. Corporations need to beef up security or these costs will go over the moon. Criminals can't get used to CEOs chickening out and paying.
theguardian.com/food/2021…
Need a new roof? Let me recommend my sister’s all female company...
I just said "No comment" all the way through a police interview.
Jeff Bezos: Let’s Go to Space!
Space: A new Challenger has appeared!
The one and only acceptable way of advertising
Everyone expected him to go postal from the way he was raised, on a high fiber diet...
He had a roughage childhood.
Me: Sorry I'm late. I broke down on the way to work.
Boss: Is your car with the mechanic?
Me: Car?
I've just deleted all the German names off my pre owned iPhone..
Lets go back to the future!
I told my wife I saw a deer on the way to work.
She said how do you know he was headed to work?
My son asked me today, “why didn’t the head go to prom?”
Me: “why?”
Son: “Because he had noBODY to dance with”
He’s ten and says he came up with it on his own. I’m so proud.
My friend called me in a panic and shouted, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!” Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...
...he’s really a big lyre.
Which way did the programmer go?
How long does it take to get the Belgium waffle all the way from Belgium?
I overheard an older gentleman asking the waitress this before ordering at the diner.
Which one of the bees do all the sick bees in the beehive go to?
I took a rocket all the way up into the atmosphere only to collide with an asteroid
I think that's interpherence
I need to eat all my spices before they go bad.
But it’s just thyme consuming
Someone is going around smashing all of the shells at the beach. It’s unconchinable
My 5 year old told me this today - Dad, how does a farmer count all his animals in the barn?
Piglet, Tigger, and Eeyore have all split ways with Winnie the Pooh.
They just couldn't bear him anymore.
Hey friends! In support of the LGBTQ+ community I wanted to design a punny pride greeting card and I am so happy with how it turned out :D let me know what you think!
Batman invited the Justice League to an evening discussing Bitcoin investments but the Superman didn't go because it was,
I got into an argument with someone I thought was a "birds aren't real" supporter. I'm an idiot; they were just messing with me and they made some amazing bird puns along the way that deserve attention. The link to the post is in the comments so you can go give the user karma and see the context.
https://preview.redd.it/n7zvpwxkj6m51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=54f0549ebd3c055929698d6fef3bc05782bf5282
I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."
So we all know that you find H2O inside a fire hydrant, but what do you find on the outside of a fire hydrant?
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way.
Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
Favorite dad joke of all time: "Knock Knock" "who's there" "awls go"
"Awls go? Owls go who?"
Why yes son, yes they do...
I got arrested for dumping ice under the overpass last night. I thought they would have let me go this morning.
Surely it's just water under the bridge by now?
Before you go in the bathroom you're American...
After you come out, you're American...
What are you when you're in the bathroom?
European
(as told by my 10 year old daughter)
On the way to the therapist, I told my wife, “You are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, aren’t you?”
She said, “Yeah.”
I said, “I knew it!”
I built a catapult that can send a human from the USA all the way to Africa
What country you end up in depends on the Angola approach
All hail the holy antlers of the deer god
Why did the rooster go to KFC?
An elderly couple is in a church. The wife says to the husband “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”
The husband says “Change the battery in your hearing aid.”
Let's see what y'all do to continue this
I read today that defibrillators are going to be required for all public buildings...
A theif has been stealing all the wheels from police cars
The police has been working tirelessly to get him
As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way....
I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
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