Chances are, you'll hear some cross words
They get really cranky if they don't get enough sleep
She always said we had to talk.
“They Mash!” “Yes son! They do the monster mash”
You might hear some cross words.
I’m really happy for you Omelette you finish, but I have the best egg puns around
He was obviously milking it
Thank goodness it was only a bad stream
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.”
The bartender interrupted him and said, "Hey can you make this brief?"
I would always have to pick up where I left off with "psoas I was saying".
Around mid-knight.
“Stop interrupting! It’s not your story, it’s ‘history.’”
Edit: not sure how to express the pun of the word ‘history’ so to clarify, it’s a play on ‘his story.’
Son: Knock, knock.
Me: Who’s there?
Son: Interrupting Dad.
Me: Interrupting Da-
Son: “BUUUURRP!”
I got dad joked by my 8 year old...Didn’t want to interrupt.
By walking out in front of the audience. Although I'm sure it's just a stage I'm going through.
As a kid, if I ever said the word “apparently”, he would interrupt to shout “A Son Riley!”
One of them said "back off, my beef isn't with you"
I replied "I know, it's with our butcher"
I interrupted him and said “I already read it before”
He said, ” Do you mean, You’ve been on reddit before?”
I replied, “No I mean I’ve read it before.”
My friend said, “ Dude with that grammar I doubt you’ve read anything before.”
I protested, “ Hey, I’ve read IT”
he interrupted me
Because it's a trap
I interrupted the conversation and said "you mean the acCOWntants?"
This was over a month ago and I still proudly think about that joke.
Ran into my dad when I was out and about with a friend. We sat down for a drink and conversation somehow turned to our respective work places. My friend says "I work at Google and there...". My dad interrupts him and legit goes "Really?! You work at Google? I Google at work!" with this stupid grin on his face.
I could hear loudly my friend's silent groan :)
My 7 year old daughter calls me: " Dad, can you help me with..."
” I'm not your Dad" — I interrupt trying the daily dad joke– "I'm an alien, an my friends kidnapped your Dad"
7y old daughter: "you mean... he was Dadnapped"
He says, “Doctor, you have to help. The stress is getting to me. I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam, I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam, I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam, I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam.”
The doctor interrupts him and says, “Relax man, you’re two tents.”
Last night, I tried to tell my 10 year old daughter the classic "Kangaroo walks into a bar" joke. For those who are not familiar, a version of this. I got to the point where the Kangaroo orders the first beer, and my daughter interrupted me with "let me guess - the beer wasn't hoppy enough." Nope. But I like the way she thinks!
...did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?”
8yo - Hey dad, knock knock
Me - who's there?
8yo - daddy boo
Me - daddy boo who?
8yo - awwww dad, don't cry, your life isn't that bad!
I just got dad-joked, hard!
Dads asks “what are you playing son?” Son seems aggravated by being interrupted and answers, “Minecraft. “
Dad replies “so one could say you’re practicing for a career in the mining business.”
Kid says, “why don’t you mine your own business and leave me alone!”
I was explaining something to a client and a real estate agent when I am interrupted by a Train whistle. I pause waiting for it to end.
I then continue my explanation. Only to get interrupted again for a good 15 seconds.
After it ends.
Me: Long pause.... I'm sorry I've lost my train of thought.
The agent chuckled. But I could hear everyone else rolling their eyes.
This happened last night. I laughed way too hard after it so figured I’d share. Driving with my three sons playing Simon says in the backseat.
Oldest son: “Simon says place your hand on someone else’s head” Me angrily interrupting: “NO we’re keeping our hands to ourselves” Oldest son: “awe cmon dad but we’re playing Simon says we’re not gonna fight” Me: “fine......Simon says keep your hands to yourself”
Here's a joke my dad told me. Sorry if you've heard it, but I found it hilarious, and I think you might enjoy it.
In a small town in the suburbs, there was a small family of balloons. There was a mummy balloon, a daddy balloon, and a small child balloon. Every night the boy would sleep between his parents, but his father had had enough.
"son, I know you love sleeping between us, but you're getting a bit too old for it., " the father said. "You're nearly 8, you're a big boy, and your mother and I think you should sleep in your own bed from now on. You can stay tonight but starting tomorrow we want you in your own bed. Do you understand?"
"Yeah dad, I understand..." the boy said with a maudlin tinge to his voice.
"okay son, I love you."
"love you too dad"
The next night the boy tried sleeping in his own bed, but there was a storm outside. It was a dark, ominous storm - the kind of storm that sounds like a cataclysm for the end of the world.
The boy was scared, so he went to sleep in his parents room. However when he tried to squeeze between them, he found he didn't fit. He felt defeated. He felt scared. He felt alone.
But then an idea struck him. He decided he'd just let a little bit of air out of his father. He tried to squeeze in again, but had no such luck. So he let a little bit of air out of his mother. He tried again. Still no luck. Finally, he decided to let some air out of himself. Success! He squeezed in tightly and drifted off to sleep.
The next morning his parents were furious. His father was feeling particularly angry, and screamed at his son.
"son, I told you not to sleep in our room. I told you to sleep in your own bed! Didn't I say that Hun?"
"yes dear," the mother said, feeling slightly deflated.
"so son, what do you have to say for yourself?" the father asked in anger.
"it was dark and stormy and..." the boy tried to spit out.
"I don't care son!" the father interrupted. "you can't keep doing this! I'm very disappointed. You've let me down, you've let me down, but worst of all..."
So every night for the past almost 6 years I sing her the Sunshine Song
You know, "you are my Sunshine, my only sunshine."
And after a few years I got tired of it and would start songs from the nightmare before Christmas (because I'm a big elfman nerd) and Part of your world (because I'm completely obsessed with singing out of key chick verses and the little mermaid is dope af) but she would SCREAM anytime I started anything that wasn't the Sunshine song, I love this, so I go on for a couple bars while she's screaming then calm her down and sing the right song. To be fair, she likes the I'm On The Outside by boingo, so I belt that too. Although it's only acceptable in the car.
Now here I want to add that in the description of the event I will place a * where she interrupts me and the words immediately after that * will be her words.
Ok, so she's in bed just now and I said What song do you want me to sing?
Obvs sunshine dude.
So I start with the "look at this stuff, isn't it neat?"
And she's not screaming, she has a smile on her face so my mind is like "did she become ok with this, can I finally sing a different song than sunshine and eponas song?" So I keep going thinking that I finally won.
I get to the line, "Fliiping your fins, you won't get too **fart!"
I'm fucking dead this kid played me like a fiddle.
Someone call 911 I'm ded
but his dad interrupted with, "I don't want to hear your Saab story."
Knock Knock. -Who's there? Interrupting Cow -Interrupting Co-- MOO!
This is the story of Jack and the Beanstalk, after the story ends. After chopping down the beanstalk, Jack realizes that he’s actually pretty damn good with an axe, and casual vegetative vandalism really struck his fancy, so he began chopping down other trees for a living. He became a traveling woodsman, and he enjoyed many years of his simple life of manual labor.
One day, as he chops wood, he hears screams from a nearby cottage. Hurriedly breaking in (because recall: jack has no problem with entering houses uninvited), he sees a cross dressing lycanthrope attempting to devour a little girl dressed all in red and her little grandmother too. Wielding his trusty axe, Jack murdered yet another fantasy creature, and safely led Little Red all the way back home. Answering the door was a beautiful woman of around his age. After sending Little Red to bed, the two of them talked for hours.
One thing led to another, and a year later they were married with a child on the way. They had a beautiful little boy named Jack Junior who followed in his father’s steps to become a woodsman. This was fortunate, because as Junior grew up, Jack was feeling the pain of his previous adventures. An old back injury from jumping from the beanstalk was haunting him, and over time his posture grew more and more hunched. He had a tough time working, but at least Junior was becoming a strapping young man.
One day, Jack and Junior took the long road to the grandmothers place to bring her a meal, just like that fateful trio Red took so many years ago. When they arrived, the grandmother greeted them cheerily, welcoming them in and making conversation. “Oh Junior,” she said, “you’ve grown into such a handsome and strong young man. It’s so kind of you to handle all the work so your poor father, with his bad back and all, doesn’t have to. Why don’t you have a girlfriend yet?” Junior hesitated. “Well Grandma,” he replied. “It’s because... I’m gay”. The close-minded, set-in-her-ways grandma’s expression became stormy. She pulled poor hunched-over Jack into adjacent room, and whispered angrily: “Jack, your life is a mess! Your posture is terrible and your son isn’t giving me any grandsons!” Jack replied: “Ma, we’re happy, you can’t just-“ But she interrupted. “No excuses!” She snapped. “You need to straighten your lumbar, Jack!”
Credit to u/echonight . This is a cross post from r/askreddit
There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.
About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off.
The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.
The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins".
"What do you mean?" asks the dentist.
"Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now."
The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life."
The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?"
The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free."
The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?"
The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minute of brushing each, then we decide."
"Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.
Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper gr
... keep reading on reddit ➡A dead rabbit stands at the pearly gates, confronted by God.
'What did you have for breakfast over the last week?' God asks. 'Well' said the rabbit, 'let me see. On Monday I had peanut butter on toast, on Tuesday it was jam on toast, on Wednesday I had marmite on toast...' 'I see' God interrupted, 'you died of myxing-ya-toastis'
This happened tonight at dinner.
Wife: "mom and grandma just printed out their boarding passes"
I interrupt
Me: "what's wrong with cursive?"
Brother in law laughed. Wife a gave me a death look...felt so proud
Wife: "Okay, Z, what's an Iguanodon?"
Me [interrupting very suddenly]: "Its clothes, duh!"
Wife: ...
Wife: ...
Wife: "Oh... ugh..."
Dad interrupts with "yeah, lardon is just bacon thats excited"
Back in college, a friend, upon being offered my excuse for something long since forgotten, started replying "Excuses are like assholes..."
I interrupted her with "If you don't have one, you get stuck with shit you don't want."
My finest college moment.
I was giving notes in the directions for an upcoming assignments when a student mumbled something to another student. Thinking it might be a question, I asked what was said.
"I was talking about my sneakers." He admitted.
Annoyed at the off topic interruption, I quipped, "Oh, are they A-D-Didas?"
Most groaned, a few clapped...
Couple of my coworkers were talking about new windows one of them were putting in. As I'm walking to my office, I overhead them saying how the new windows are frosted and look really nice.
Me (interrupting them): Yeah, some of our windows are frosted too. But it's weird because in the winter time, they flake quite a bit for some reason.
Coworker 1: Flake? What do you mean?
Me: Yeah it's weird. My frosted window flakes all the time.
Coworker 2: OMG laughter
A few minutes pass as I grab some lunch and head back to my office.
Coworker 2: Anything else about your windows you'd like to tell us?
Me (after a brief pause): They're grrrrrrrrrrreat!
Wife and I were driving down the street and saw the male and female peacocks together, which was rare. The male was spreading its feathers trying to impress the female.
Wife said, "Oh. We have to stop and take a picture!" I said, "No. Bro code. Can't interrupt him when he's macking." Wife was confused and asked what the hell I was talking about.
"Bros don't peacock block bros."
I interrupted and asked if he remembered what type of cat.
[Yes, I used a dad joke on my dad. He taught me well.]
I asked him what he was doing. He told me that he was doing nothing.
I then reminded him that he has been doing nothing all day.
His reply - "Well, I'm not done, and you keep interrupting me."
I can't wait until I'm a grandfather.....
He was talking about cosplays. I interrupted and said "What about sinplays and tanplays?"
Cue a few seconds of silence, then "OH MY GOD"
When my dad and I would come across a railroad crossing (weather it be on a drive or a bike ride etc) he would say a small rhyme:
"Railroad crossing, watch out for the cars. Can you spell it without any 'r's'?"
And of course, I'd always go with "ail-oad...." and then he'd interrupt with:
"No- 'i-t'"
Ill read something interesting about a famous person, and try to start a conversation about it, then this happens..(example)
Me: Hey Dad, you know that guy who plays Jake on 2 and a Half Men? Well..
Dad (interrupting): Nope, I don't know him. Never even met him.
So dad asks how I did on my last final:
Me: I blew it out of the water!
And he interrupts me with this one:
Dad: I hope you didn't hold your breath the whole time!
I was talking with my dad when my little sister walks in from the garage mumbling something.
Dad: Don't interrupt people when they are having a conversation. (Turns to me) What were you talking about?
Me: I can't remember, I lost my train of thought.
Dad: What, did it get derailed?
I was sitting around with my brother and dad watching sports and we got on the subject of exercise. I asked my brother if he ever squats nowadays. My dad interrupts and says, "nah, he stands sometimes though."
Groan.
He said to me "Well son, now that you have a kid of your own, I think it's time to give you this".
"Dad, you don't mean the... ".
"Yes son", he interrupted, as he handed me the first five editions of '1001 Dad Jokes'.
With the tears welling in my eyes, and a lump in my throat, I said "Dad, I'm honoured!".
"Well hello Honoured, I'm Dad".
The the whole family (my mom, dad, and two sisters) are sitting in the living room and my mom asked me to pick up some ingredients from the grocery store. She starts listing them out loud, "I'll need heavy cream, eggs, milk-"
At which point I interrupt to ask what size eggs she needs (i.e. AA etc.) and she responds "It doesn't matter just make sure they're large - oh and cage free"
My dad immediately came back, "Cage-fee? What are you worried about - that the cake will get away?"
My dad immediately does his troll grin and my mother looks at him with a years practiced look of "how did you ever trick me into marrying you"
Naturally this was followed by my nine year old sisters falling apart into giggles, and eventually me too. My mother looks at us like she's thinking to herself "They must have switched all three of my babies at the hospital" before looking up at the ceiling and saying, "I guess I'll write a list..."
giving my dad directions to a doctor's office
Me: "... Take a left onto Dairy Road, and then..."
dad interrupts me mid sentence
Dad: "I can't take Dairy Road."
Me: "Why not?"
Dad: "Because I'm lactose intolerant."
groans on my part ensue, and dad chuckles hysterically to himself
I ask my sister how her pregnancy is going. My dad interrupts, "Swell!"
So a teenage daughter got her first job as a waitress. When she gets home from her first day she tells her parents about it. She's really excited that they get fed at work. The manager told her, "Around here we call dinner 'D', so when the staff dinner is ready the kitchen will call out, 'D is ready' and you can grab dinner on your next break.". She tells her parents, "So I asked 'how much D do the waitresses get?" Dad interrupts with "Just the tip!"
He was supposedly calling his sister when I interrupted him.
As I went to ask him about something, he said...
"What do you want? I'm using the tel-loaf-hone!!"
I feel pretty proud of this one.
Classmate to the entire class, interrupting the lesson: "Did you know that tomatoes went to the Supreme Court to decide if it was a fruit or vegetable?"
Me: "Don't you mean the food court?"
The class laughed pretty hard. I am only 15, so I'm not as good as some of you out there, but I am practicing!
In the dining room during lunch after giving my elder residents desert which was Angel food cake, everyone noticed that the cake was very flat and thin.
One of the ladies said "This is no angel food cake, this is...."
Without missing a beat, this old man with a patch on his right eye interrupts the little old woman and says at the top of his lungs in a raspy, yet clear tone , "I'll tell you what this is!. It's a fallen angel!"
Everyone in the dining room laughed uncontrollably. Not him. He just shakes his head and digs into the cake.
I immediately thought of you guys.
We were going through a slideshow about the different symbols in our government. The slide he was on was a picture of the presidential seal of the eagle. Our teacher went on saying,"The president has a seal, the judicial branch has a seal, different branches of the military have their own seals. Many of them look similar to this." and I interrupted saying,"Uh... Sir? That's an eagle..."
My brother just had a job interview for a summer job, and my mom asked him "So if you get the job, what will you be doing?"
And I interrupted: "He'll be working."
They both groaned, and my dad cracked up in the other room.
So tonight at the dinner table my mother wanted to explain how she made the salad.
So she begins with: "first i chopped some salat just to begin the salat, and I added some apple and lime to give it some bitterness. I also chopped some hazelnuts to give the salat umami" (to those who don't know what umami is: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Umami)
Then my dad interrupted and said: "If I had made that salat, i would have used walnuts instead. I prefer the taste og upapi.
The he laughed in a way, only a dad can do.
While trying to catch the grandpa in law with a quick joke i heard in bad grandpa
What's the key to comedy? And before they say anything you interrupt with "timing" but good ol king of jokes grandpa yells "whiskey!" He never ceases to amaze me.
I was explaining to my dad how I won a match in a pool tournament the night before...
I had to play against the best player in the house but he had hurt his back earlier that day so he couldn't even walk straight. He won the opening lag to earn the right to break. I jokingly asked him "are you sure you want to break with that back injury?" He broke anyways and didn't make anything. My teammate and I proceeded to run the whole table, including the eight ball, to win the game as underdogs. Afterward my teammate said to the pro, "Hey, didn't /u/DetroitLarry warn you not to break?" At which point my dad interrupts my story to say...
"Now that's just adding insult to injury!"
My fiance was telling me about her best friend's wedding planning:
Fiancee: So I was talking to my friend about her wedding and she's finally picked a date-
Me (interrupting): Wait, isn't she the one getting married?
Fiancee (slightly confused): ...yeah...
Me: So why is she bringing a date?
Fiancee: ...
She was talking to her friend about how her car a/c stopped working. She told her friend how she was going to wait for her dad to look at it because he is a huge car fan. I laughed hard and interrupted her conversation saying "well if he is a huge car fan, just ask him to be the a/c".
She wasn't very amused..
"Why is an elephant big grey and lumpy?"
"Because if it was small, round and white it would be an aspirin."
Mild titters, interrupted by:
"Why is an aspirin small, round and white?"
"To stop you from taking an elephant for a headache!"
Cue groaning.
She called me and said that she had the strangest dream. "I fell asleep with an infomercial for a vacuum cleaner on the TV". I interrupted and said "That really must have sucked". She groaned and continued "So I had this dream that my mom was vacuuming the lawn" and I stepped in with the follow-up "Well? Did it get all the dirt out?"
It was a birthday dinner for my fiance. We're all finishing up our food and chatting. I mention this woman I don't like: "... Seriously she was rude, testing me and my limits." Dad interrupts. "What grade did you get?" Ha.
I was talking to my sister on the phone asking her how my nephew was and how she has been recently, etc.
Then she says, "So some guy called me yesterday..."
I interrupted her and asked, "But I thought your name was Brittany?"
Followed by brief silence and the groan that signifies victory.
Almost ended my marriage in the first year with this one.
Wife: I had a thought.....
Me (interrupting): Congratulations!
Wife: Arrrrgh!
me talking to my dad
4 year old sister : Hey! I'm getting madder at you if you don't listen to me!
Dad: Well I'm going to get father at you if you keep interrupting!
Roommate: Did you hear that Diddy interrupted Drake's concert to call him out for stealing his beats? Me: Did he?
The family's over so my six-year-old daughter is pretty excited, showing off her toys, jumping on everyone, etc.. After having a conversation interrupted by her for the fourteenth time, I say, "Listen! If you don't settle down, it's about to be Spanksgiving in here. "
Chances are, you’ll hear some crosswords.
You may hear some crosswords.
