I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
π︎ 24
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︎ Dec 18 2020
During lockdown my origami skills have improved...
π︎ 41
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︎ Jul 01 2020
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have ?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since
π︎ 11
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︎ Jun 21 2020
Improved
π︎ 110
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︎ Nov 29 2019
Who improved the art of stealing to perfection?
π︎ 6
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︎ May 16 2020
With daily practice, the lumberjackβs musical ability improved
π︎ 2
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︎ Mar 19 2020
When my friend showed me his improved Pennywise impression, I said
βNow thatβs more like Itβ
π︎ 3
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︎ Jun 04 2019
If I make a new and improved fishing lure and name it the pod, will people using it be pod casters?
π︎ 7
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︎ Nov 10 2018
Not-really-new but improved calculus joke
f(x)=e^x and f(x)=ln(x) walk into a party. After a while, ln(x) is chatting everyone up and having a great time, while e^x is leaning on the wall and sulking. ln(x) asks eΛ£ what's wrong, and e^x says βI'm nervous about integrating.β ln(x) replies: βOh, it's simple, just be yourself and see.β
π︎ 26
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︎ Dec 21 2017
Did you hear about the new and improved Cricut vinyl cutter?
It was developed using cutting edge technology.
π︎ 2
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︎ Jun 13 2018
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
π︎ 12k
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︎ Jan 10 2021
My doctor told me that I was going to have to make some sacrifices to improve my health....
Anyone know if he meant human or animals ?
π︎ 5
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︎ Dec 03 2020
There's a department of the United Nations which tries to improve the quality of food in restaurants.
π︎ 2
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︎ Dec 05 2020
Mechanic: You should give your car a spoiler to improve its handling.
Me: Iron Man dies at the end.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 26 2020
Carrots may improve your eyes
But booze will double your vision
π︎ 13
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︎ Nov 05 2020
Viagra is now available in a teabag format. It doesn't improve your performance...
....but it stops your biscuit from getting soft..
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 04 2020
The biggest room in the world is the room for improvement.
π︎ 3
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︎ Sep 21 2020
This Is A Paid advertisement: Have a home project youβre working on? For a limited time, Lowes Home Improvement is now selling Levels 2 for the price of 1!
π︎ 7
π
︎ Sep 28 2020
How do you improve your archery?
With better arrow dynamics.
π︎ 41
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︎ Jul 19 2020
So, you do understand how constantly treating life like an improv class is unhealthy right?
π︎ 7
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︎ Oct 07 2020
What do you call a country of male deer with no capacity for self-improvement?
π︎ 9
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︎ Sep 12 2020
It's true whiskey improves with age.
The older I get the more I like it.
π︎ 11
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︎ Sep 06 2020
Bought a new padlock to improve my beehive
Now itβs in-bee-leavable!!!
π︎ 3
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︎ Sep 10 2020
Day 8: I used to be hokey pokey
π︎ 4
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︎ Jan 08 2021
The mods have a new way of improving the jokes we submit. They now add smell to all the jokes and rate them according to their odour. One mod adds some floral funniness, another tweaks them with sweet smile appeal and a third makes sure they contain a few obnoxious puns.
From now on no joke will be published without their scents of humour.
π︎ 14
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︎ Jul 14 2020
YOU KNOW YOUβRE A DAD WHENβ¦
β’ you suddenly know all the words to every Eagles song.
β’ you get up early on a Saturday morning to make sure youβll be tired enough for a couch nap that afternoon.
β’ you change your carβs oil exactly every 2,000 miles.
β’ mowing the lawn is no longer a chore, but a privilege.
β’ you can actually tell old John Wayne movies apart.
β’ your idea of fun is aimlessly wandering around the home improvement section of any store.
π︎ 5
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︎ Jan 23 2021
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 16 2021
I went to the Home Improvement store this weekend and walked past the stud finders...
The noise was unbearable.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jun 21 2020
Why does rockstar, Brian Johnson go to the US capital to cool off?
Because there's an AC in DC.
(Someone improve this joke.)
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 02 2021
What do you call a doctor who is half man and half horse?
A centaur for disease control
π︎ 81
π
︎ Aug 10 2020
I've removed all the black keys from my piano
Hopefully I'll C Major improvement!
π︎ 32
π
︎ Nov 09 2020
Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight
π︎ 106
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︎ Nov 03 2020
A recipe for a good relationship
My wife and daughter are working on improving the meringue cookie recipe they are using.
I asked if the batter was better and my wife said yes.
So I asked if it had enough sugar or if it was a bitter better batter.
The look on her face was priceless!
I reminded her that she knew my sense of humor before she married me and went through with it anyway.
π︎ 10
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︎ Nov 30 2020
My English skills and mental health need improvement, but my math skills are fine.
Me grammar sucks and i is imaginary.
π︎ 2
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︎ May 20 2020
My friend found a sturdy piece of lumber to place within his guitar to improve the vibrations...
π︎ 9
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︎ Mar 24 2020
I just invested in a company that will pay me to keep t-bones and rib-eyes in my freezer to sell when the market improves...
π︎ 5
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︎ Apr 24 2020
I bought a book on how to improve your memory.
Forgot where I left it.....
π︎ 15
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︎ Jan 25 2020
They should improve their marketeang
π︎ 21
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︎ Oct 26 2019
Told my daughter to wear glasses during math.
π︎ 198
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︎ Sep 06 2020
What kind of vitamin improves your eyesight?
π︎ 38
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︎ Oct 23 2019
How does a chiropractor improve their craft?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 09 2019
Gradually improving at binary
π︎ 91
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︎ Mar 28 2019
What are the top two things that improve your hearing?
π︎ 6
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︎ Aug 06 2019
My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.
... Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.
π︎ 10
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︎ Sep 19 2019
I must admit my wife's cooking has really improved....
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 27 2020
Dear Mother in law,
Don't teach me how to bring up my children. I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
π︎ 7
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︎ Nov 26 2020
Oranges improves your eyesight
Because it contains Vitamin See
π︎ 21
π
︎ Sep 06 2019
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