Hey baby, are you 32 ounces?

Cause you are 1 qt ;)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nine_legged_stool
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2018
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Hey son, do you know where baby ghosts go during the day?

Day-sCare

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGreatTitanic
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2018
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Hey baby, are you a protein shake?

Because I'd sure like to have my whey with you.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/derpulia
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2015
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Hey baby, I'll do unspeakable things to you

Like asjhdhsbxb and sjxbbbehzug

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2016
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Social Distancing Pickup Lines
  • If Covid-19 doesn't take you out, can I?
  • Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket are you happy to be within 6 ft of me?
  • Can't spell virus without U and I.
  • Do you need toilet paper cuz I can be your Prince Charmin.
  • I saw you checking me out from across the bar, stay there.
  • Hey Baby! Can I ship you a drink?
  • Can't spell quarantine without U R A Q T.

credit: some facebook post i saw.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shamblingman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
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I’m bored
πŸ‘︎ 571
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uwu-UWU-
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2019
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Breastfeeding joke

Girlfriend is breastfeeding baby delatches to say hi to dada

Hey Banana want a milkshake?

shakes moms boobs

10/10 Best Dad Joke of my life.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
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My 5-year-old niece is a little shit.

We were celebrating my other niece's 2nd birthday, when my 5-year-old niece comes up to me and says, "Hey Uncle, wanna play a game?"

"Sure. What game?"

"You pick a letter and I say three words that start with that letter."

Since it was her sister's birthday, I picked "B", assuming that she’ll probably say "Birthday".

She was like, "Okay… B... B... BB..."

I sat there for a second in a moment of defeat...

"Yes. Those are all words."

You little shit.


Edit for the Dad-impaired: "Be... Bee... BB..."

2nd Edit: Awesome! Each of my nieces got me to the top of this sub! Here's the one about the 2-year-old.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ted_E_Bear
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2016
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What did the boy snake say to the girl snake?

Hey baby, give me a hiss.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Au_Contrarian
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2018
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Calling all DadJokers!

Hey there!

I'm an avid dad joker, and it looks like within 24 hours I'll finally be a dad myself. Throughout the pregnancy, I've had a blast making jokes about womb temperature, and ultrasounds making her a womb with a view.

Now is where I need your assistance. I've been expressly forbidden from making any jokes during the labor process, which means I am of course going to make jokes.

Got any great pregnancy/labor/new baby jokes?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_perfect_sonnet
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2017
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My daughter was wearing head phones and plugged the jack in to one of the holes in my belt...

...We were walking through the lounge room with the cord still plugged in to my belt and I said to my wife, "Hey baby! Look at me! I'm a walk-man!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/brad-corp
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2017
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Dad joke backfire.

So I am divorced. My kids live in a different state than me at this time. This morning I called to talk to my daughter (5) about her getting into cheerleading. About halfway through the conversation, I dropped an old gem from my Dad. It ruined the phone call.

Me : "Hey baby girl, you wanna hear a story"

Her : "What now?"

Me : (giggling inside because the tone in her voice already said " FUCK, walked right into this.")

"I was driving to work the other day and an ambulance drove past me fast and a side door opened up. A box fell out, so I stopped to get it. Guess what was in it baby girl?"

Her : "What?"

Me : "A human toe."

Her : falling for it. Dad's know this sound in the voice.

"Eeeewwww. Then what?"

Me : "I called the tow truck!" FUCKING BOOM

Her : "Ok I'm hanging up now, byeeeeeeeeeieeee."

And she really hung up. I love to think she is cursing me in her little head right now...but she'll use it later. They always do.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pimpnocchio
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2015
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I was watching the new Star Wars with my girlfriend yesterday

It was my second time watching it and only her first, so I had had some time to ponder possible puns to make. So when BB8 was introduced, I put my arm around her, leaned in to her ear, and said "Hey baby, that robot is cool and all, but it's only a BB8. I think you're a BB10."

She sighed, pulled my arm off of her, and scooted a seat away from me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ROTCnaziBandgeek
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2015
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What's the bear's favourite pickup line?

Hey baby, what's ursine?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/commisaro
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2014
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So my wife just gave birth...

I was so excited I called my Dad to tell him the news. "Hey Dad, Molly just gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. I'm a Dad now!" And he replies "Hi a Dad now. I'm grandpa!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sexydrapes
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2013
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My dad's favourite.

Growing up in Sydney there was a 'Baby Health Centre' across the street. My dad was an older guy so had the typical 'old man pun' sense of humour. Around Christmas one year I was walking by with my dad and he goes 'Hey. Where do baby elves go when they're sick? To the baby ELF centre!' Face palm.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kangawhat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2013
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the following exchange happened at my work

i work the service desk at a grocery store, and me and one of my coworkers will often make puns based on the items we return. i got 2 gallons of white milk and a half gallon of chocolate milk. the following exchange occurred.

him: i'm gonna go dump this milk.

me: that bad in the relationship, eh?

him: well yeah, look what kind of baby they made -points to chocolate milk-

me: in a relationship, you need certain emotions, i guess they just lactose emotions. -he dumps out the milk and returns-

him: hey, wanna see my jugs?

me: i had a friend named calvin who wanted to see mine. one day i finally just said, "hey cal, see em?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CeleresVerraden
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2013
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What did the overly honest werewolf say to the good looking woman at the bar?

Hey Baby. I'm a-lookin' and I'm a Lycan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/commoncents45
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2014
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We went to the zoo today

While we were looking at the zebras and trying to point out the baby zebra to my daughter...

"Hey honey, that baby zebra looks like it's foal of stripes."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chaosTechnician
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2016
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Dad hit me with another cheesy joke just now.

I'm making enchiladas for my work tomorrow but I forgot to buy baby jack cheese for my cheese enchiladas. I've been calling stores to ask them ahead if they have any, but no store in my neighborhood has it.

I told my dad about my frustrations as I was calling Food 4 Less, and my dad said, "Hey if they don't have it, tell them - tell 'em, 'Well you guys don't have JACK!'"

I then put my hands on my face began groaning as he closed out with, "I perform every Monday through Thursday!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sinabimo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2014
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My friend made his first dad joke as a dad.

The baby was born, and my friend said this to his wife after the event:

"Hey, looks like you've lost a lot of weight today"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Haerdune
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2014
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My aunt once asked my uncle to turn on the light

His response:

"Hey baby, how's it going? You look sexy tonight. Positively stunning! Oh yeah baby…"

From then on she asked him to flip the light switch on or off…

Now she just doesn't ask him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jbh007
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2013
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Restless sleeper

I take a while to get into a comfortable position before I can't fall asleep, flipping onto my sides, front and back. The other night the wife complained and I was like "Hey baby, that's just how I roll".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stevieraypwn
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2015
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Passing a church when this one came along.

There's a statue outside of some church of Mary holding baby Jesus. I don't see him often enough to know his schedule. Only reason this one worked.

Dad: <Pointing at the statue> "Hey! Put that kid down!"

Me: "You still do that?"

Dad: "Yep. I haven't seen the priest around in a while."

Me: "You go to church?"

Dad: <Shit eating grin> "Not religiously."

Goddammit, dad.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZTheJerk
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2013
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My wife is going to make a great dad one day.

Me putting baby down to sleep upstairs: "hey, can you throw up the baby's blanket?"

Her: makes throw up sounds for a second.."sorry nothing is coming up!"

Me: "sigh..can you toss up the blanket then?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shillster
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2014
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Dadjoked my wife who wanted to go paddle-boarding this weekend.

"Hey babe, I wanna paddle this weekend"

"Baby, come on over, I'll start paddling right now"

groan...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JeF4y
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2014
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My uncle is a father of three... I needed his address for my baby shower

Trying to invite my uncle to my baby shower went a little like this.....

Me:hey uncle can I get your address so I can send you an invitation?

Uncle:yeah come get it

Me:smart ass.....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Darth_Grandma
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2014
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