I cut myself and now I need to listen to some music to make sure it heals good.

Or how the doctor put it, "A band aid."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Uckioh
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
How does โ€œThe Oneโ€ heal if heโ€™s injured in the Matrix?

Neosporin.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 47
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/zedhead0628
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Heal me friends I'm ddddddddddddddd....

D-pressed ๐Ÿ˜ฉ

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/meme_adda
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I broke my hand last week, at the hospital thinking it was permanently damaged, I asked the Doctor if Iโ€™d be able to play guitar. He replied โ€œYes, after youโ€™ve taken time to healโ€

I was ecstatic, Iโ€™ve always wanted to know how to play.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 33
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Reptarticle
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why did priests heal wounds before doctors?

They're men of the clot.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MoffKalast
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
How do you heal a broken pumpkin?

With a pumpkin patch.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/snuggeybug
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.

He has a sinecure.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/lankyjay16
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My sister in the US Navy broke her foot, and has to wear tennis shoes instead of boots, to properly heal. She said that they made her buy new black shoes, instead of her normal shoes. She said that it just seemed so petty to make her do that...

I told her that it sounded like a decision that came from a Petty Officer.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 69
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SemanticShenanigans
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 05 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What animal never heals?

The octopus because, it's full of pus.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/braitamm
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 05 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Nature is healing imgur.com/KpIQvu4
๐Ÿ‘︎ 30
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ihrie82
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My response when asked why I go around healing blind people:

Youโ€™ll see. Youโ€™ll all see.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Strange_An0maly
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Gravity is so depressing

Always bringing me down...

The stairs, hope my leg heals soon

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/uneeq33
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Saw a bird in the bushes. Nature is healing, we are the problem.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Kazmaaaaa
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places.

He told me to quit going to those places.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 31
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/crazyfortaco
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin, to draw out excess moisture....

WOW....I'm cured.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 112
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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Last night a thief broke into the shoe factory.

He was the sole perpetrator.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 14
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Golden365
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I am waiting to recover from injuries caused by a small sharp tool:

Time heals awl wounds.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
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๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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How did the blind man get healed at Target

He bought and Icee

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/NcisGibbsslap
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 23 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why did the kid rub herbs on his scraped knee?

Because his Dad told him thyme heals all wounds.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 23
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/JPHarrison007
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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Decided on a career change, from the kitchen to medicine. Didnโ€™t last long though.

Turns out that thyme doesnโ€™t heal all wounds.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Brucemoose1
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?

You know what they say, Margaret. "Thyme heals all wounds".

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/michacha123
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What did the vet say to the dog?

Heal

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tyrannosaur85
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
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Which computer is the best singer

A Dell.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 265
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/grumpyold
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 22 2017
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My dad broke his wrist

So my dad broke his wrist the other day. He asked the doctor, if he could play the piano after the healing process. The doctor said: Yeah, sure. My dad: Great, couldn't do that before.

Translated from German. Hope you still enjoy it ;)

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/chregi91
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 20 2017
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I use viagra for sunburn

It doesn't heal it but it does keep the sheets of my legs

๐Ÿ‘︎ 15
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/x_Parzival_
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Dad at the hospital

Dad hurt his wrist and had to go to the hospital where he talked to a doctor.

>Dad: When this heals will I be able to play the piano?

>Doctor: Yes, You'll be fine in a few days.

>Dad: Perfect, I've always wanted to be able to play an instrument.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/matti4s
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 04 2013
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Several orthopedists walk into a karaoke bar.

Theyโ€™re all like โ€œI wanna dance with somebody, I wanna heal the feet with somebody...โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Lum1nar
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 10 2019
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The worst part of hurting your back...

is how you are always wrong after it heals. For instance, every time you get up you just stand corrected.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/deadbonbon
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 20 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
TIL Thyme has powerful medical qualities

Some say it heals all wounds

๐Ÿ‘︎ 20
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Fish117
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 27 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Accidental Jesus dad joke

I recently tore all the ligaments in my ankle and Iโ€™m still in rehab. I was on the sidewalk concentrating on my crutches when a construction worker popped up in front of me. Initially I thought he was going to tell me I was walking under something dangerous; halfway through I thought he was going to ask me out; then Jesus happened:

โ€œHey, that looks like it hurts!โ€

โ€œNaw, itโ€™s not bad, itโ€™s much better now.โ€

โ€œRunning? Skiing? Howโ€™d you do it?โ€

โ€œRock climbing.โ€

โ€œRock climbing! Wow, so you must be strong, eh?โ€

โ€œYeah, Iโ€™m ripped.โ€

โ€œ โ€ฆ ripped? Really?โ€

โ€œYeah, Iโ€™m super ripped.โ€

โ€œ โ€ฆ oh. Wow. Not joking.โ€

โ€œYeah, Iโ€™m joking. Iโ€™m not actually ripped.โ€

โ€œ โ€ฆ ahaha โ€ฆ hah. That was good.โ€

โ€œYep.โ€

โ€œSo, Iโ€™m Christian.โ€

โ€œHi, Christian.โ€

โ€œ... and I donโ€™t know if youโ€™ve read the Bible, but the Bible says that laying on of hands, especially for our fellow Christians, will heal. And Iโ€™ve โ€ฆโ€ etc.

It took me a block to realize that Iโ€™d accidentally made a Dad joke.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thisisniceishisface
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
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Thereโ€™s a magician

who claims he can heal anyone with magical crystals. He announces to a crowd, โ€œanyone who needs something healed, step right up and I can heal you with my powers!โ€ Someone steps up, on crutches. โ€œHi, Iโ€™m Phil, can you fix my leg?โ€ He asks. โ€œYes! Of course! Phil, step behind the curtain!โ€ Answers the crystal guy. Then, another man steps up. โ€œYou seem fine! Whatโ€™s the problem?โ€ The crystal guy asks. โ€œI h-h-have ha-had this st-stutter since I wa-was five.โ€ He said. โ€œOk, I can fix you right up!โ€ The crystal guy says, motioning the guy with the stutter behind the curtain. Then, he says some sort of chant, moving crystals around. Once he is done he shouts, โ€œPhil, throw a crutch over to prove youโ€™re healed!โ€ A crutch goes flying over the curtain. The crowd gasps. โ€œNow, sir, with the stutter, say something!โ€ He shouts, showing off it worked. โ€œU-uh Ph-Phil fe-ell d-down.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SaucyyThomas
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I have a reputation amongst my friends for cheesy dad jokes this one is the one I'm most proud of.

So I cut my hand quite badly and had to go to get stitches.

The doctor's sewing me up and I remember an old joke that I swore I'd use should the oppurtunity ever arise.

I says "Doc, when this heals up am I gonna be able to play the piano?"

Doctor says "Of course."

I say "that's odd I wasn't able to play the piano before."

The doctor then sets me up for a little improv, he laughs politely and says "funny"

I say "Doc! I'm funny? You've got me in stitches."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 344
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BruceWaynesWorld
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 05 2013
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Dad gets some ink

A man visits a tattoo parlor with a rather simple, but strange request. He requests a short, straight line tattooed on his upper arm.

Once the first tattoo heals, he returns, asking for another, exactly the same as the first.

After a few more visits, it becomes clear to the tattoo artist that he's tattooing tally marks on the customer's arm.

Curiosity getting the better of the tattoo artist, he asks, "What are you counting?"

The man answers, "How many tattoos I have."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Scruluce
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 05 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
[x-post /r/Jokes] [OC] An old blacksmith was working in his shop...

when there was a terrible accident. The fire in his forge had gone out of control and set fire to the shop. The blacksmith nearly lost his life. He was bedridden for many months and relied on the help of his children and grandchildren to feed him, bathe him, and take care of all of his needs. Eventually he was able to get back on his feet, though his outlook on life had turned quite grim. He was now able to take care of himself, but he had lost much of his strength and dexterity from the injuries he sustained and he was unable to practice his trade. He fell into a deep depression and he spent most of his days sitting at home in front of the fireplace gazing into the flames, longing for the days when his strong hands could grasp a hammer and strike a hot piece of iron, slowly forging it into a beautiful piece of work.

One evening when the old man was sitting in front of the fire, he heard a knock at the door. It was his granddaughter, whom he hadn't seen in many months. She had overheard her father talking to her mother about how her grandfather was slowly slipping away into depression and hopelessness and she wanted to help. To the old man's surprise, she had brought him a puppy. "I thought that since you're always here all by yourself that you might want someone you keep you company," the granddaughter said. The old man's eyes welled up with tears and the little puppy instantly jumped into his arms and began licking the tears from his face. The old man and his granddaughter spent the next several hours sitting on the floor of his house watching the puppy chase around a rubber ball, bouncing, jumping, panting, and licking. In that short time, the old man had made complete turnaround from being sad, lonely, and hopeless, to smiling from ear to ear, full of joy with his new-found companion. As the hours grew late and the puppy grew tired, the granddaughter said "Well Opa, I'm glad you like your puppy, but it's late and I should be heading home. By the way, what are you going to call him?" "Life," said the old man, "because he has given me a new meaning and joy to mine." The granddaughter kissed her grandfather on the cheek, wished him goodnight, and she left.

Many years passed and all the while, the old man and his little dog were inseparable. Everywhere the old man went, Life was always with him whether it was the post office, the grocery store, and even when the old man went to the barber shop, the little dog would sit patiently until the last hair on

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MyOtherAccount_3
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 27 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The World Health Organization

I was having a conversation with a friend about exercise and it goes a little something like this.

Friend: Did you know that the World Health Organization recommends at least 180 minutes of moderate to vigorous exercise?

Me: with a grin on my face Who?

Friend: The World Health Organization.

Me: again with same expression Who?

Friend: getting annoyed THE WORLD HEAL... shoots me the dirtiest look

๐Ÿ‘︎ 22
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/spinner899
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 29 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Chemistry Puns

Funny collection of chemistry puns

What do you get when you mix sulfur, tungsten, and silver? SWAG


Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? Heโ€™s 0K now.


What do you call a tooth in a glass of water? A one molar solution.


How do Sulfur and Oxygen communicate? A sulfone


What do you call Iron blowing in the wind? Febreeze.


Why do chemists call helium, curium, and barium the healing elements? Because if you canโ€™t helium or curium, you barium!


Why did the noble gas cry? Because all his friends argon.


Why did the acid go to the gym? To become a buffer solution!


Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!


Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak? Because itโ€™s in the ground state.


How many moles are in a guacamole? Avocadoโ€™s number.


If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.


What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.


Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.


What element is a girlโ€™s future best friend? Carbon.


I had to make these bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.


Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na


Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!


Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? Heโ€™s 0K now.


What do you do with a dead chemists? Barium


What animal is made up of calcium, nickel and neon? A CaNiNe


What did the chemist snack on during lunch? A โ€˜gramโ€™ cracker.


What would you call a clown in jail? Silicon (Silly Con)


What weapon can you make from the elements potassium, nickel and iron? A KNiFe.


How did carbon propose to Hydrogen? With a โ€œcarbonkneelโ€


What did one titration tell the other? Letโ€™s meet at the endpoint.


How can you spot a chemist in the restroom? They wash their hands before they go.


Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.


Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na


Why do chemistry professors like to teach about ammonia? Because itโ€™s basic material.


Did you hear about the chemist who was reading a book about helium? He just could not put it down


Why do chemistry professor like to

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Punsville
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 30 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Clock doctors

Do you know why clocks make the best doctors? Time heals all wounds.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Crow-
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 29 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My boyfriend used my character to make a joke

I have a healer and I'm grinding for gear right now. Me: "I'm thinking about grinding for the flip flops." Boyfriend: "There are flip flops?" Me: "Yea dude." Boyfriend: "If you get the flip flops they'll show off your heals."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 17
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CowJuicey
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 29 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The greatest prank call I ever pulled off

I was an ER tech in a fairly busy inner city hospital for a few years. On one unusually slow night, around 3am, I called up to labor and delivery from an outside line. The conversation went like this:

"Labor and Delivery Nancy speaking"

"Hi I have an unusual problem and I am hoping you can help me."

"OK what can I do for you?"

"Well a couple weeks ago my wife and I had a baby boy who was born with an extremely rare condition. You see, he was born without eyelids."

"Oh my goodness!"

"Yes. Well at your hospital there they tried a new experimental treatment. They used the foreskin from his circumcision to create eyelids for him. Have you heard about this procedure?"

"OH MY GOD! No! I haven't!"

"Well everything was going great and he seemed to be healing well but when he woke up this morning, he looked a little cockeyed..."

"..........."

"COCKEYED!"

<click>

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TurnTheTVOff
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 29 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
dadjoked my girlfriend: 2nd coming edition

Girlfriend sent a text to tell me her bus was late.

GF: Jesus Christ just got out at University St.

Me: Wow! Did he heal any lepers or anything?

GF: There should have been a period after Christ.

Me: There is! It's called A.D.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 33
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Zenis
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 12 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My dad told me to be a doctor.

He told he I needed some patients.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Patient-Hyena
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Dad at the hospital

Dad hurt his wrist and had to go to the hospital where he talked to a doctor. Dad: When this heals will I be able to play the piano? Doctor: Yes, You'll be fine in a few days. Dad: Perfect, I've always wanted to be able to play an instrument.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/meelak007
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 12 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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