Nature is healing imgur.com/KpIQvu4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ihrie82
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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My response when asked why I go around healing blind people:

You’ll see. You’ll all see.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Strange_An0maly
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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Saw a bird in the bushes. Nature is healing, we are the problem.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kazmaaaaa
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
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My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin, to draw out excess moisture....

WOW....I'm cured.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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I am waiting to recover from injuries caused by a small sharp tool:

Time heals awl wounds.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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Why did priests heal wounds before doctors?

They're men of the clot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MoffKalast
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
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I broke my hand last week, at the hospital thinking it was permanently damaged, I asked the Doctor if I’d be able to play guitar. He replied β€œYes, after you’ve taken time to heal”

I was ecstatic, I’ve always wanted to know how to play.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Reptarticle
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
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How do you heal a broken pumpkin?

With a pumpkin patch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/snuggeybug
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
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My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.

He has a sinecure.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lankyjay16
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
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Why did the kid rub herbs on his scraped knee?

Because his Dad told him thyme heals all wounds.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JPHarrison007
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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What animal never heals?

The octopus because, it's full of pus.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/braitamm
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2019
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How did the blind man get healed at Target

He bought and Icee

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NcisGibbsslap
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2018
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My sister in the US Navy broke her foot, and has to wear tennis shoes instead of boots, to properly heal. She said that they made her buy new black shoes, instead of her normal shoes. She said that it just seemed so petty to make her do that...

I told her that it sounded like a decision that came from a Petty Officer.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2017
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Decided on a career change, from the kitchen to medicine. Didn’t last long though.

Turns out that thyme doesn’t heal all wounds.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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Who healed the guitarist's scrape?

The band aid.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Largedump
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2017
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What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?

You know what they say, Margaret. "Thyme heals all wounds".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/michacha123
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
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What did the vet say to the dog?

Heal

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tyrannosaur85
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
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My dad broke his wrist

So my dad broke his wrist the other day. He asked the doctor, if he could play the piano after the healing process. The doctor said: Yeah, sure. My dad: Great, couldn't do that before.

Translated from German. Hope you still enjoy it ;)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chregi91
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2017
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I use viagra for sunburn

It doesn't heal it but it does keep the sheets of my legs

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πŸ‘€︎ u/x_Parzival_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
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Which computer is the best singer

A Dell.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/grumpyold
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2017
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Why was ambulance late?

Because time heals

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
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Several orthopedists walk into a karaoke bar.

They’re all like β€œI wanna dance with somebody, I wanna heal the feet with somebody...”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lum1nar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2019
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Dad at the hospital

Dad hurt his wrist and had to go to the hospital where he talked to a doctor.

>Dad: When this heals will I be able to play the piano?

>Doctor: Yes, You'll be fine in a few days.

>Dad: Perfect, I've always wanted to be able to play an instrument.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/matti4s
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2013
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How to greet Hitler when he's not feeling well?

Sick hail!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OneDarkPotOfPlant
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2016
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The worst part of hurting your back...

is how you are always wrong after it heals. For instance, every time you get up you just stand corrected.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/deadbonbon
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2019
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TIL Thyme has powerful medical qualities

Some say it heals all wounds

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fish117
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2018
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Accidental Jesus dad joke

I recently tore all the ligaments in my ankle and I’m still in rehab. I was on the sidewalk concentrating on my crutches when a construction worker popped up in front of me. Initially I thought he was going to tell me I was walking under something dangerous; halfway through I thought he was going to ask me out; then Jesus happened:

β€œHey, that looks like it hurts!”

β€œNaw, it’s not bad, it’s much better now.”

β€œRunning? Skiing? How’d you do it?”

β€œRock climbing.”

β€œRock climbing! Wow, so you must be strong, eh?”

β€œYeah, I’m ripped.”

β€œ … ripped? Really?”

β€œYeah, I’m super ripped.”

β€œ … oh. Wow. Not joking.”

β€œYeah, I’m joking. I’m not actually ripped.”

β€œ … ahaha … hah. That was good.”

β€œYep.”

β€œSo, I’m Christian.”

β€œHi, Christian.”

β€œ... and I don’t know if you’ve read the Bible, but the Bible says that laying on of hands, especially for our fellow Christians, will heal. And I’ve …” etc.

It took me a block to realize that I’d accidentally made a Dad joke.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
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There’s a magician

who claims he can heal anyone with magical crystals. He announces to a crowd, β€œanyone who needs something healed, step right up and I can heal you with my powers!” Someone steps up, on crutches. β€œHi, I’m Phil, can you fix my leg?” He asks. β€œYes! Of course! Phil, step behind the curtain!” Answers the crystal guy. Then, another man steps up. β€œYou seem fine! What’s the problem?” The crystal guy asks. β€œI h-h-have ha-had this st-stutter since I wa-was five.” He said. β€œOk, I can fix you right up!” The crystal guy says, motioning the guy with the stutter behind the curtain. Then, he says some sort of chant, moving crystals around. Once he is done he shouts, β€œPhil, throw a crutch over to prove you’re healed!” A crutch goes flying over the curtain. The crowd gasps. β€œNow, sir, with the stutter, say something!” He shouts, showing off it worked. β€œU-uh Ph-Phil fe-ell d-down.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SaucyyThomas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
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Chemistry Puns

Funny collection of chemistry puns

What do you get when you mix sulfur, tungsten, and silver? SWAG


Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.


What do you call a tooth in a glass of water? A one molar solution.


How do Sulfur and Oxygen communicate? A sulfone


What do you call Iron blowing in the wind? Febreeze.


Why do chemists call helium, curium, and barium the healing elements? Because if you can’t helium or curium, you barium!


Why did the noble gas cry? Because all his friends argon.


Why did the acid go to the gym? To become a buffer solution!


Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!


Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak? Because it’s in the ground state.


How many moles are in a guacamole? Avocado’s number.


If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.


What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.


Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.


What element is a girl’s future best friend? Carbon.


I had to make these bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.


Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na


Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!


Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.


What do you do with a dead chemists? Barium


What animal is made up of calcium, nickel and neon? A CaNiNe


What did the chemist snack on during lunch? A β€˜gram’ cracker.


What would you call a clown in jail? Silicon (Silly Con)


What weapon can you make from the elements potassium, nickel and iron? A KNiFe.


How did carbon propose to Hydrogen? With a β€œcarbonkneel”


What did one titration tell the other? Let’s meet at the endpoint.


How can you spot a chemist in the restroom? They wash their hands before they go.


Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.


Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na


Why do chemistry professors like to teach about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.


Did you hear about the chemist who was reading a book about helium? He just could not put it down


Why do chemistry professor like to

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2017
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I have a reputation amongst my friends for cheesy dad jokes this one is the one I'm most proud of.

So I cut my hand quite badly and had to go to get stitches.

The doctor's sewing me up and I remember an old joke that I swore I'd use should the oppurtunity ever arise.

I says "Doc, when this heals up am I gonna be able to play the piano?"

Doctor says "Of course."

I say "that's odd I wasn't able to play the piano before."

The doctor then sets me up for a little improv, he laughs politely and says "funny"

I say "Doc! I'm funny? You've got me in stitches."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BruceWaynesWorld
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2013
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Dad gets some ink

A man visits a tattoo parlor with a rather simple, but strange request. He requests a short, straight line tattooed on his upper arm.

Once the first tattoo heals, he returns, asking for another, exactly the same as the first.

After a few more visits, it becomes clear to the tattoo artist that he's tattooing tally marks on the customer's arm.

Curiosity getting the better of the tattoo artist, he asks, "What are you counting?"

The man answers, "How many tattoos I have."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scruluce
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2018
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[x-post /r/Jokes] [OC] An old blacksmith was working in his shop...

when there was a terrible accident. The fire in his forge had gone out of control and set fire to the shop. The blacksmith nearly lost his life. He was bedridden for many months and relied on the help of his children and grandchildren to feed him, bathe him, and take care of all of his needs. Eventually he was able to get back on his feet, though his outlook on life had turned quite grim. He was now able to take care of himself, but he had lost much of his strength and dexterity from the injuries he sustained and he was unable to practice his trade. He fell into a deep depression and he spent most of his days sitting at home in front of the fireplace gazing into the flames, longing for the days when his strong hands could grasp a hammer and strike a hot piece of iron, slowly forging it into a beautiful piece of work.

One evening when the old man was sitting in front of the fire, he heard a knock at the door. It was his granddaughter, whom he hadn't seen in many months. She had overheard her father talking to her mother about how her grandfather was slowly slipping away into depression and hopelessness and she wanted to help. To the old man's surprise, she had brought him a puppy. "I thought that since you're always here all by yourself that you might want someone you keep you company," the granddaughter said. The old man's eyes welled up with tears and the little puppy instantly jumped into his arms and began licking the tears from his face. The old man and his granddaughter spent the next several hours sitting on the floor of his house watching the puppy chase around a rubber ball, bouncing, jumping, panting, and licking. In that short time, the old man had made complete turnaround from being sad, lonely, and hopeless, to smiling from ear to ear, full of joy with his new-found companion. As the hours grew late and the puppy grew tired, the granddaughter said "Well Opa, I'm glad you like your puppy, but it's late and I should be heading home. By the way, what are you going to call him?" "Life," said the old man, "because he has given me a new meaning and joy to mine." The granddaughter kissed her grandfather on the cheek, wished him goodnight, and she left.

Many years passed and all the while, the old man and his little dog were inseparable. Everywhere the old man went, Life was always with him whether it was the post office, the grocery store, and even when the old man went to the barber shop, the little dog would sit patiently until the last hair on

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyOtherAccount_3
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2016
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The greatest prank call I ever pulled off

I was an ER tech in a fairly busy inner city hospital for a few years. On one unusually slow night, around 3am, I called up to labor and delivery from an outside line. The conversation went like this:

"Labor and Delivery Nancy speaking"

"Hi I have an unusual problem and I am hoping you can help me."

"OK what can I do for you?"

"Well a couple weeks ago my wife and I had a baby boy who was born with an extremely rare condition. You see, he was born without eyelids."

"Oh my goodness!"

"Yes. Well at your hospital there they tried a new experimental treatment. They used the foreskin from his circumcision to create eyelids for him. Have you heard about this procedure?"

"OH MY GOD! No! I haven't!"

"Well everything was going great and he seemed to be healing well but when he woke up this morning, he looked a little cockeyed..."

"..........."

"COCKEYED!"

<click>

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TurnTheTVOff
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2015
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The World Health Organization

I was having a conversation with a friend about exercise and it goes a little something like this.

Friend: Did you know that the World Health Organization recommends at least 180 minutes of moderate to vigorous exercise?

Me: with a grin on my face Who?

Friend: The World Health Organization.

Me: again with same expression Who?

Friend: getting annoyed THE WORLD HEAL... shoots me the dirtiest look

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spinner899
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2016
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My boyfriend used my character to make a joke

I have a healer and I'm grinding for gear right now. Me: "I'm thinking about grinding for the flip flops." Boyfriend: "There are flip flops?" Me: "Yea dude." Boyfriend: "If you get the flip flops they'll show off your heals."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CowJuicey
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2017
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Clock doctors

Do you know why clocks make the best doctors? Time heals all wounds.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Crow-
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2014
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My father in law is a pro

My father in law hurt his foot last week. We asked him if it has healed yet.

"Oh, it is 'healed', but it is not well, yet"

The groans in the room were deafening.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kevbob02
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2015
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dadjoked my girlfriend: 2nd coming edition

Girlfriend sent a text to tell me her bus was late.

GF: Jesus Christ just got out at University St.

Me: Wow! Did he heal any lepers or anything?

GF: There should have been a period after Christ.

Me: There is! It's called A.D.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zenis
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2014
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Proud of my punny haiku.

Saw this status on my friends Facebook page with a picture of his busted car window: "After yesterday's storm/flying treebranch. Awaiting the healing powers of the autoglass shaman. ". Someone else commented "if you put what you wrote into 3 lines, this makes a nice haiku"

I took that as a challenge. Here was the result:

Auto-glass shaman: The winds of change blew too hard. Can you heal my pane?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SolfeggeNerd
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2011
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My dad told me to be a doctor.

He told he I needed some patients.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Patient-Hyena
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
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Dad at the hospital

Dad hurt his wrist and had to go to the hospital where he talked to a doctor. Dad: When this heals will I be able to play the piano? Doctor: Yes, You'll be fine in a few days. Dad: Perfect, I've always wanted to be able to play an instrument.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/meelak007
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2015
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