My English book has puns. Wow.
A technique that has been used for decades
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin
.
Edit: thank you guys so much for the rewards! I was told this joke from my 9 year old sister, she was well chuffed to see all the votes and people thinking she was funny
What has 5 fingers, but isn't your hand?
Is everyone here as tired as I am of the quiet Hawaiian a low ha joke?
If only that joke wasn't aloud.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies. "
I replied, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids."
While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said “She obviously has COVID!” “Why would you think that?” I asked.
“Because she has no taste.”
Finally my winter fat has gone...
Now, I have spring rolls.
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!”
“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
The inventor of the Velcro has died.
My wife has changed dramatically since becoming a vegan.
It's like I've never seen herbivore.
Even crime has time for puns (credit to the author, extrafabulouscomics)
Did you know that Spiderman has a winter jacket made entirely of Mediterranean flat bread.
Which rock group has four members and doesn't sing?
My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.
Shit..l meant to post this somewhere else.
My calculator only has enough power left to do one calculation
I really have to make it count
A new variant of head lice has appeared and they are resistant to conventional treatments.
This has left scientists scratching their heads l
There has been a growing phenomenon on the African plains where male lions have been turning homosexual
It has started to decimate the population since they aren't mating with the female lions. People are calling it the worst infestation of dandy-lions in history!
What’s a robot say when it has to use the restroom?
Funny how in the past everyone owned horses and only the rich owned cars, and now everyone has cars and only the rich have horses...
My how the stables have turned.
Edit: Wow guys, thanks for all the love!
A truckload of toupees has been stolen...
...Police are combing the area for clues.
My doctor has discovered that I'm allergic to rice.
My wife has begged me to stop making police related puns...
I said, "O.K.....I'll give it arrest.
What do you call a weasel that has trouble breathing?
Fun fact: Every dictionary has at least 1 mistake in it!
In the M section, right after mist.
Thanks HAI
A meat-loving king has a contest to find the next royal chef
A meat-loving king has a contest to find the next royal chef. He invites 3 renowned chefs from all over the kingdom to serve him and the favorite will become the new royal chef!
The first chef serves the king an enormous rack of ribs. "Very impressive," said the king.
The second chef serves a huge steak, cooked to perfection. "So satisfying," said the king.
The third chef gives the king a plate with small rocks on a bed of shredded cabbage. "What the hell is this," the king asks.
The third chef says, "These rocks fell from the sky into my back yard. Indeed, ribs and steak are very meaty, but asteroids are meteor!"
My wife has been taking a course in advanced electrics and it's taken over her life. Everything she says these days concerns resistors, transformers, circuitry, voltage, ampage etc. All fucking day long, I've tried explaining to her it's driving a wedge between us, but she won't listen to reason.
She just buries her head in the sand like an off switch.
My uncle's wife is a centimeter tall, has six legs, and is always on edge.
I guess you could say she's a little a(u)nt-sy.
Interesting fact, Bruce Lee has a vegan brother
My mate has just seen the Chernobyl documentary...
He actually grew up in Ukraine in the 1980’s and was able to count at least 8 historical inaccuracies on one hand.
Which animal has mental health issues?
Did you know Cardi B has a sister who is a personal trainer?
An infamous psychic dwarf has escaped from the local prison!
There's a small medium at large.
If anyone has a suggestion on how to reverse the spell that turned me into corn...
A Man in a hotel has trouble finding his room, goes down to the front desk and asks ' Excuse me, can you tell me what room I'm in please ? '
Certainly Sir, said the receptionist...this is the Lobby.
My doctor has advised me to stop drinking, its going to be a massive change for me.
I've been with that doctor for 15 years.
My geometry teacher has lost his parrot.
Gravity has had me depressed lately
It really brings a guy down
Gravity Falls has the best puns
What’s the difference between someone going to prison and a guy who has a mobile knife sharpening business?
One gets incarcerated, the other is in-car-serrated
What has 2 butts and kills people?
An assassin
Thank you! I’ll be here all night
What has 2 butts and kills people ?
What rock group has four men that don't sing?
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
