Now I’m two hours late and I don’t even like Jim Carey
It was raining cats and dogs.
Re:LAX
We're having a midwife crisis.
I think it's the novel Coranavirus?
They told him it wasn't a big dill, though.
I was trying to cook an egg in the microwave because I’m extremely lazy, and it (unsurprisingly) exploded.
So she looks at the exploded egg, looks at me and then says: “ aha, it eggsploded ”
Guess I'll just have to wing it.
I said, "relax honey! You're just having a mid-wife crisis."
I think he has anxiyeti.
Best game of Monopoly ever.
The character has always been a Fe Male
He kept repeating "I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee." I told him "calm down man, you're two tents."
To console him, I suggested that perhaps he might win the No Belt prize.
Dad: We finally figured out a way to get Ian to stop spending so much time in the bathroom!
Uncle: Really? How?
Dad: Well, depends.
So I do tech support type stuff for a local company and they were having an issue with the phone, and we resolved that the problem was not the phone, nor the wire. We next tested the phone jack....sure enough, there's the problem. I could hardly contain myself when I told the manager that I found the problem.
"What is it?", he asked.
"It looks like you're one jack off!"
Cracked me up!
My brother sneezes near the table, I yell: DID YOU SNEEZE IN THE FOOD?!
dad goes: He just sneezened it
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.
The father breaks his neck and dies, leaving his son to mourn for days. However, one night, the boy wakes up to see an apparition of his father before him. All at once, he breaks down crying, and screams out, "I'm sorry!"
His father responds, "Hi Sorry, I'm dead!"
I only wanted one granny flat :(
Let that sink in.
They said, "This is a robbery," and everybody relaxed a little.
He had too many hang-ups.
Everyone at the frozen food aisle started freaking out though.
Bartenders says, “That’ll be $20.20”
In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy.. He presented with vomit on his sweater already.. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti
I started freaking out thinking that I lost my taste
At this rate, he will never be there on time.
“Control fr...”
“Now you say, “Control freak who.””
I was scared sheetless.
Doctor says I have carpool tunnel syndrome.
Since when is getting a headache at the airport such a big deal?
Let me tell you it really escalated quickly.
My friends started freaking out. They wouldn’t stop either. So I said “ I incyst you don’t abscess over this
Doctor: How do you feel now?
Man: With my elbows, mostly.
He doesn't see the bartender behind the bar so figures he must be back in the stockroom. As the man walks across the floor he hears a quiet voice say....."nice pants!"
He looks around but sees no one, there are no other people in the bar. He shrugs it off and keeps moving towards the bar.
Then he hears....."your hair looks great!"
Again, he looks around but doesn't see anyone. A little freaked out, he takes a seat at the bar and hears....."I like your tie!"
At that moment, the bartender emerges from the back room and asks "howdy sir, what can I get you?"
The man replies "well, I'll have a whiskey, but I have to tell you the strangest thing has happened to me since I walked in. I keep hearing some voice that keeps saying nice things about me. I must really need that drink I guess."
The bartender smiles and says "ahh, don't worry about it, that happens sometimes, it's probably just the peanuts".
"The peanuts?" asked the man, even more confused.
"Yes, the peanuts" explains the bartender.....
"they're complimentary"
:)
He responded, “Aisle B, Back”
Edit: wow first silver!!!! Thank you 🙏🏾 anonymous Redditor!
Edit2: my wife doesn’t use reddit. She’s thoroughly enjoying the responses to the joke in the joke jar she created for me and the silver (“whatever those are”). Happy Father’s!
Edit3: https://imgur.com/gallery/5G25Flw wife got me a nice gift 🎁
I said "No, it doesn't".
Kleenex.
She freaked out and shouted "What?!!! Why??!!!"
I told her:
"I would rather have a doctor do that"
When he died penniless, he was living in squall lore.
Because you can’t see in the dark
He had aTaipei personality
He freaked out when he found out my boyfriend is Black.
In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.
Cat puns really freak meowt. I'm not kitten here...
