They said, "This is a robbery," and everybody relaxed a little.
I was scared sheetless.
Since when is getting a headache at the airport such a big deal?
It was a clam-ity.
I was having amid-wife crisis. Nine months later, she suddenly went into labor. I frantically tried to find someone to come to our home and deliver the baby. It was midwife crisis.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.
The father breaks his neck and dies, leaving his son to mourn for days. However, one night, the boy wakes up to see an apparition of his father before him. All at once, he breaks down crying, and screams out, "I'm sorry!"
His father responds, "Hi Sorry, I'm dead!"
It was raining cats and dogs.
Now I’m two hours late and I don’t even like Jim Carey
We're having a midwife crisis.
Re:LAX
I only wanted one granny flat :(
Let that sink in.
In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy.. He presented with vomit on his sweater already.. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti
He had too many hang-ups.
Bartenders says, “That’ll be $20.20”
I think it's the novel Coranavirus?
They told him it wasn't a big dill, though.
“Control fr...”
“Now you say, “Control freak who.””
At this rate, he will never be there on time.
Doctor says I have carpool tunnel syndrome.
He doesn't see the bartender behind the bar so figures he must be back in the stockroom. As the man walks across the floor he hears a quiet voice say....."nice pants!"
He looks around but sees no one, there are no other people in the bar. He shrugs it off and keeps moving towards the bar.
Then he hears....."your hair looks great!"
Again, he looks around but doesn't see anyone. A little freaked out, he takes a seat at the bar and hears....."I like your tie!"
At that moment, the bartender emerges from the back room and asks "howdy sir, what can I get you?"
The man replies "well, I'll have a whiskey, but I have to tell you the strangest thing has happened to me since I walked in. I keep hearing some voice that keeps saying nice things about me. I must really need that drink I guess."
The bartender smiles and says "ahh, don't worry about it, that happens sometimes, it's probably just the peanuts".
"The peanuts?" asked the man, even more confused.
"Yes, the peanuts" explains the bartender.....
"they're complimentary"
:)
My friends started freaking out. They wouldn’t stop either. So I said “ I incyst you don’t abscess over this
Let me tell you it really escalated quickly.
I was trying to cook an egg in the microwave because I’m extremely lazy, and it (unsurprisingly) exploded.
So she looks at the exploded egg, looks at me and then says: “ aha, it eggsploded ”
He freaked out when he found out my boyfriend is Black.
She freaked out and shouted "What?!!! Why??!!!"
I told her:
"I would rather have a doctor do that"
Doctor: How do you feel now?
Man: With my elbows, mostly.
Guess I'll just have to wing it.
I said, "relax honey! You're just having a mid-wife crisis."
I said "No, it doesn't".
Kleenex.
I think he has anxiyeti.
He responded, “Aisle B, Back”
Edit: wow first silver!!!! Thank you 🙏🏾 anonymous Redditor!
Edit2: my wife doesn’t use reddit. She’s thoroughly enjoying the responses to the joke in the joke jar she created for me and the silver (“whatever those are”). Happy Father’s!
Edit3: https://imgur.com/gallery/5G25Flw wife got me a nice gift 🎁
Because you can’t see in the dark
When he died penniless, he was living in squall lore.
Best game of Monopoly ever.
He had aTaipei personality
The character has always been a Fe Male
Germ mans
Because he sawdust.
Then I’d have $999,999.75.
He kept repeating "I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee." I told him "calm down man, you're two tents."
If I hear tumor it's gonna benign
well, I finally lost it... I was just in a store and saw a man whose cart was FULL to the brim with hand sanitizers, toilet paper, soaps... You know everything that people desperately need right now!!! I called him a greedy bastard, and told him he should be freaking ashamed of himself! He said " are you done? Cuz I really need to get back to stocking the shells now"
3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night, so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them "I understand....I used to get freaked out too when I was alive."
Never seen anyone run so fast.
To console him, I suggested that perhaps he might win the No Belt prize.
So this dad likes to listen to his daughter's prayers every time she does them. One night when he is standing by her door, he overhears her say "God bless mom, God bless dad, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa." The dad is thinking "Ok that was pretty weird, but whatever."
The next morning, he learns that the grandpa DIED. He remembers what his daughter said last night and thinks "Ok umm this could all just be a coincidence" and he thinks nothing of it.
A month later and the daughter is doing the prayers again. "God bless mom, God bless dad, and goodbye grandma."
Once again, the dad learns the next morning, that the grandma has died from a heart attack. Now he's a little freaked out and thinks "This definitely cannot be a coincidence now, but it still could be, so whatever."
A few weeks later, he hears from his daughter's room, again, "God bless mom, and goodbye dad." Now he is totally freaking out because he thinks he's gonna die today. He spends all day being really cautious so he, you know, doesn't die. At 12:00am, he thinks "Yes! I made it! I didn't die!"
Once he gets home from work, he goes over and he tells his wife, "Honey, I've had a really bad day today and-"
The wife cuts in and says, "Yea me too! The mailman died on our porch!"
~this is my first post so ╮(─▽─)╭ ~
but when I lose one of my three kids, everyone freaks out like I did something horrible. 😒
Dad: We finally figured out a way to get Ian to stop spending so much time in the bathroom!
Uncle: Really? How?
Dad: Well, depends.
...so I told her that her mom saw a few hairs fall out of her head and freaked out.
My daughter responds, completely deadpan, "mom had rabbits falling out of her head?"
She's going to be a great dad one day.
Edit: skipped a word
So I do tech support type stuff for a local company and they were having an issue with the phone, and we resolved that the problem was not the phone, nor the wire. We next tested the phone jack....sure enough, there's the problem. I could hardly contain myself when I told the manager that I found the problem.
"What is it?", he asked.
"It looks like you're one jack off!"
Cracked me up!
My brother sneezes near the table, I yell: DID YOU SNEEZE IN THE FOOD?!
dad goes: He just sneezened it
Dad: Hey I was just at the gas station and this lady next to me was filling up her car with gas and then she spilled like half a gallon
Me: Oh jeez
Dad: Yeah I know anyway she opened her door to get something to wipe it up with cause the station had nothing and then this huge Rot Weiler ran out of the car and licked up a bunch of gas then ran away and the lady was Freaking out so I ran across the street to grab the dog and I finally caught up to him and he started walking in a circle and then just collapsed
Me: Oh my god what happened
Dad: He ran out of gas
Everyone at the frozen food section started freaking out though.
Buddy: Wait, so their idea was, "Your son is the devil, we can fix that with a bone marrow transplant and a virus?"
Me: No, I think they were lying about the retrovirus and just putting holy water and stuff into the marrow to exorcise him. That is my guess because they were just nuns, not real doctors.
Buddy: But, when he was freaking out at the end didn't the nurse say, "The gene therapy would have worked, but he was just too strong!"
Me: Oh yeah, maybe they had some of Jesus's DNA. So, instead of the CRISPR gene they use the CHRISTR gene....
I got an eye roll! No kids yet, but at least I know I can rise to the occasion.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Control freak.
Control fr-
Okay, now you say "Control freak who?"
Everyone at the beach started freaking out though, because we didn’t cremate him.
The man never took it seriously at first, he figured he was just getting older and blamed it on age.
After a few weeks, the man has developed an incredible frequent and annoying cough.
His wife is annoyed and is constantly telling him to go the doctor, but the man kept refusing.
One day during an argument, his wife has had it with his coughing and hacking and tells him "Im making a bet, if this damn coughin kills you i'm writing ' I told you so' on your tombstone!"
The man laughs her off since they both have a twisted sense of humor, and tells her its a deal, if the coughin kills him she can carve that.
The man continues on for another week
One day the man is out going for a walk through his neighborhood, when a freak accident occurs between a truck carrying coffins and a car, which results in a coffin flying off the truck, tragically landing on the old man and kills him.
Later at his funeral, his wife makes a very odd request to have them carve "I told you so" on his headstone.
When the caretaker asks her why she wants to do this, she tells him about their dark humor, and fills him in on the bet they recently made.
The caretaker is touched by the story, and agrees to do it for her, because in the end,
It was that damn coffin that killed him
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Amish.
Amish who?
You're not a shoe, you freaking idiot.
"Everyone's freaking out that Matt Damon is bourne again, who cares what his religion is. He's just an actor."
Man: "A Chihuahua? They gave me a freaking Chihuahua?"
It goes without saying.
And I saw a woman smoking while she was fueling. I'm sitting there in dismay when I look over at another pump and see two cops leaning against their car eating hotdogs.
I start giving them this look of "don't you see this? Are you going to do anything?" they seemed unconcerned.
Just as I look back to the woman, I see her arm had caught fire and she's freaking out, flaling her arm around trying to put it out. Suddenly the cops tackle her, putting out the fire and then they arrest her.
I asked them "well, why the hell are you arresting her for? Isn't getting burned bad enough? One of the cops just looked at me and said
"She was waving around a firearm! "
I have a bunch of stupid baseball questions. I know most of the rules, I just want to make sure I have all my bases covered.
-
Imagine there’s a fan of the team that is currently fielding in the stands, and that said fan has a prosthetic arm. The batter hits a pitch and sends it on a home-run trajectory into the stands. If the fan in the stands throws his arm at the ball and diverts it back in the field of play, can they rightfully say that they were just “lending the team a hand” by stopping the home run?
-
Consider the exact opposite situation - the fan’s team is at bat and the batter hits a fly ball to the outfield. If Elastagirl from the Incredibles just happened to be the fan in question, can she spring into action and catch the ball before the outfielder has the chance to?
-
Now, imagine I smuggled a water gun into the stadium on a particularly hot day, and I managed to squirt sticky black liquid onto the batter. Does that mean he can take a walk since he was “hit by pitch”?
-
Consider the freak circumstance where a ball in motion collides with a bird, causing it to spiral in its descent and eventually collide in turn with an umpire. Can the player responsible for the ball’s motion be ejected from the game due to repeatedly flipping the bird at an umpire?
-
Can a losing team sub out their man on the mound with a large quantity of beer to prolong the game? There’d still be a pitcher on the mound!
-
If a pitcher throws a slider into the strike zone and the batter doesn’t swing, should the umpire consider it a strike, a ball, or the catcher’s dinner?
To give a little background: My dad was a truck driver at the time, and he never saw something on the side of the road or that had a "free" sign on it that he could drive by without at least taking a look. My brother in law was a sheriff's deputy. He told this joke to my neighbor, I will try to do it justice.
My dad, his dispatcher(DIS), and lady neighbor(LN) are outside talking and it goes something like this:
Dad: Ugh, What a f--king week. I can not believe it.
LN: What happened?
Dad: I was in Georgia and I saw this cooler in the far corner of the rest area, just as you're about to leave. I looked around and I didn't see anyone... So I figured someone had forgotten it on their picnic... It was a nice ass cooler too. Igloo brand with the heavy duty wheels. It was beautiful.
LN: Let me guess, you took it and the food that was in it?
Dad: Oh god I wish, It was a nice cooler. So, I go over and I'm still looking around in case the owners are still there. So I get to the cooler and I'm thinking "jackpot." The outside looks amazing. So, I go to open it up to see if whatever is inside is salvageable or if i needed to throw it out. I open it up and I jumped back and screamed.
LN: What was in it?
Dad: FEET. HUMAN FEET. I'm thinking what the hell did I just stu...
LN: NU-UH, ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!
Dad: YES I'M SERIOUS.. So by this time, I'm seriously freaking out and I have no clue what to do. I nearly passed the f--k out. I had no idea what I should do.
LN: (with her hands over her mouth in horror) OMG, WHAT DID YOU DO?
Dad: Well, you know my son-in-law is a police officer in Florida..
LN: mmhmm
Dad: Well, I didn't know what to do so I called him.
LN: What did he tell you to do?!
Dad: Call a tow truck.
LN: ....what?
Dad: Get it, toe truck?!
LN: YOU'RE SUCH AN ASS. OMG I HATE YOU.
DIS: Oh, look at that, M*****, I just got word from the office that you're up for this month's random drug test.
Edit: Formatting errors, sorry guys!
12 year old’s fishing on a video game. I asked if he was fishing for something specific. He said no. I said “So you’re just fishing for the halibut?”
He just shook his head sadly. Kid doesn’t know what he’s missing. I’m freaking hilarious!
Follow up: I told him I was heartbroken that he didn’t like my joke. He said it was too cheesy. I said it may be fishy but it certainly wasn’t cheesy.
Sometimes it’s mom that has the best dad joke.
We have to buy so much milk in our household because I'm such a serial dad joker. Amongst all my friends and family, even at my wedding, it was noted about my bad jokes. My wife of one week tolerates my humour, but doesn't ever attempt to play along with dad jokes or make any of her own. Point is - I'm not used to hearing her say one.
Today, sitting at a bar on our honeymoon I commented about how "these selfie sticks are becoming ridiculous. Everyone seems to have one now. It's stupid"... Only for her to reply with..."I know it's seriously getting out of hand".
I lost my shit and freaked out. She got scared cause she thought something bad happened...I'm like "did you seriously not just hear yourself. I'm not even mad that was amazing".
She just rolled her eyes.
All the other paintball players started freaking out though…
and says "-could I get a gin and........... tonic?".
Bartender says: "sure, but what's with the pause?".
Bear says: "I was born with them".
Freaks her husband out though.
And while I was waiting, I was standing on the front lawn beside the car absent-mindedly swinging a golf club (to test my sore shoulder). Daughter starts freaking out because she thinks I'm not coming. My wife tells her not to worry, Daddy's driving. And I told her "actually, it's a wedge."
I was laying down on the couch and my mom moved one side of it to make it even with the rug.
It surprised me so I freaked a bit. My dad looks at us and says:
"You seem to have had a moving experience,"
My mom left.
IT'S FREAKING AWESOME!!!!
There's this crackhead in my neighborhood who is so skinny, everyone calls him "Ribs." Overall he's pretty harmless, but one day we were sitting in the front yard with our toddler in the playpen and he wanted to make the case that we should hire him to babysit. He picked up my son and started making his pitch. Most people would probably freak out as this point, but I just calmly looked at him and said politely, "I want my baby back, Ribs."
(I know I just posted something a little while ago, but I just found this subreddit today and thought of another good dad story)
As a child I had an immense fear of bees. So, one day my dad and I were at the Museum of Science in Boston together checking out the exhibits. In one room there was a huge (actual) beehive encased in glass with hundreds of bees inside. Attached to the glass was a plastic speaker thing so you could put your ear against it and hear all the buzzing. So I mustered up some courage and gave it a go. As I was getting a good listen, my dad went "bzzzzZzzzzz" and tickled my ear with his finger. I freaked the fuck out, and swatted furiously all over the place. I cried, and was all mopey and pouty for the rest of the day.
In hindsight, I realize that that was an opportunity that just had to be seized.
My girlfriend freaked herself out because our shower curtain was closed for some reason.
Me: Chris, are you hiding dead bodies in our shower again?
Him: No, just head and shoulders!
Cat puns really freak meowt. I'm not kitten here...
Who's there?
Control freak. Now you say, "Control freak who?"
