Does anyone know if doctors could take some of my butt flesh and graft it onto someone who isn't a relative?

Ass skin for a friend.

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đŸ‘€︎ u/Bigjambo1
📅︎ Jul 15 2020
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My friend was just diagnosed with a flesh eating bacteria, so I texted him to see how he is doing.

He said: IDK

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đŸ‘€︎ u/BSMike82
📅︎ Sep 01 2020
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we do have a lot off different technology. https://www.reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/bu0yuo/we_have_devices_that_can_see_through_flesh_and/ on this post
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đŸ‘€︎ u/Lucas1006
📅︎ May 28 2019
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My wife and I went to a new restaurant last night, where they serve the flesh of exotic birds and animals.

We both decided to try pelican, which was absolutely fantastic, but the bill was enormous.

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đŸ‘€︎ u/fukhed69
📅︎ Jul 11 2018
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What do you call a flesh eating bee?

A zombee

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đŸ‘€︎ u/puffylyon
📅︎ Oct 30 2017
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He enjoyed his new job as a flight attendant on a Transgalactic Express ship. He enjoyed the variety of species & sentients he got to meet. Except for the Plort, who ate large quantities of raw dead flesh.

They always made him put their carrion overhead.

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đŸ‘€︎ u/johnabbe
📅︎ Mar 03 2016
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My Wife was cutting up an orange fleshed melon. I asked her if she knew why these melons always got stuck having big extravagant weddings?

It's because they cantaloupe!

^(How am I doing? My first is due in April!)

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đŸ‘€︎ u/FlickeringLCD
📅︎ Mar 06 2018
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What does a cannibal say to a person he just met?

Nice to meat you

(and then he eats you, in the flesh of an eye)

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📅︎ Jul 19 2020
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George Carlin's stand up sets are just really fleshed out dad jokes.

George Carlin dad jokes the shit out of airline language. I never really realized it until rewatching it years later.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdPy5Ikn7dw

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đŸ‘€︎ u/deskclerk
📅︎ Jun 23 2014
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A couple is divorcing in court, and they are fighting for custody of their only child:

The woman tries to pity the judge: -Judge, I carried this child 9 months in my belly, it is the flesh of my flesh and it comes directly to me! The judge is moved and says: -Right mam, but now, lets listen to your husband's arguments. The man prefers to use his pragmatic side, and says: -Judge, when I put my coin in the vending machine,Is the can mine or is it to the machine?

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đŸ‘€︎ u/elouan_lrch
📅︎ Jun 21 2019
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Someone gets decapitated in a show

Oh it's just a flesh wound don't lose your head over it

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đŸ‘€︎ u/scrimpyhook3
📅︎ Feb 11 2020
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My Thanksgiving Confession

Hey guys. As I'm sure most of you know, it's currently Thanksgiving in Canada. This time of year for me has, in the past, caused a lot of issues in my life.

To give a little bit of background on me, I'm usually an extremely healthy and fit guy, as I play high-level sports and have a physically demanding job. However, for much of my life, my willpower began to crumble around this time of year.

I first started taking my diet seriously when I was about 12 years old. I had some kind of realization where like, I dunno, I started looking at how jacked these movie stars were and was all, "wow, I want to be that cool too." Judging by the bowl cut I had when I was 12, my perception of cool may have been a little skewed, but I digress.

Anyhow, it was my first Thanksgiving where everything started falling apart. One of my relative's families ended up no-showing for dinner, so we were left with a load of Thanksgiving leftovers. For the next week, every single meal or snack I had was Thanksgiving themed. Sandwich? Turkey sandwich. Breakfast? Let's dollop some cranberry sauce on that bad boy. By the next week, my BGC (blood gravy content) was probably at like 1.0%.

You'd think I'd be sick of holiday food after that. But no. I loved it.

The tradition of refrigerated Thanksgiving snacks continued throughout the rest of my teen years. Like clockwork, the numbers on the scale would significantly jump upwards in October, with Halloween candy adding an extra layer of calories on top. By the time I reached 17, my waist had begun noticeably ballooning, and I realized it was all due to Thanksgiving turkey. Sure, I had some at Christmas and sometimes at Easter, but never like that. My mother would encourage this habit, making more food each year to be stuffed into our packed refrigerator.

The movie star bod I wanted for so much at the age of 12 was slipping a way. I needed to put an end to this.

Flash forward to October 2015, age 18. I had made a vow: I never again would place such putrid poultry onto my tastebuds. And ever since that fateful week of 2014, my vow had held true.

Each Thanksgiving, I can feel that craving for chilled turkey knocking on the refrigerator door of my fragile ego. For three years, I've held strong. But when will the garrison fall? When will that soft, biting flesh of the big bird smash it's way back into my life.

But so far, I've quit cold turkey.

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đŸ‘€︎ u/M3gaC00l
📅︎ Oct 09 2018
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We could open a restaurant called the human cafe.

Our motto would be, we're serving one another.

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đŸ‘€︎ u/Frank62899
📅︎ Jan 14 2015
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A short story

John Deavensmit was not having a good time. After an incident involving a coffee spill, he'd been sued for $50 million, and somehow the jury had ruled against him. There was no way he could pay that much money; he'd go bankrupt.

Naturally, he filed for an appeal, but the winner of the case was already beginning to hound him for money, hoping to get at least something before the judgement was overturned. John was nearly at his wit's end before he found an unusual package in his mailbox.

It was from a couple of his friends, who all went on to law school when John left to create a startup. They'd all been very successful, and had gone on to be justices at various levels, from courts in a small county in Wisconsin all the way to the Supreme Court. When he opened it up, he was surprised to see an ink drawing of a thick wooden stick. It was signed by his friends, and accompanied by a note:

> Hey John, > > We're sorry to hear about your loss in court last month. We met up at a judge conference in the Davison Center, and we thought that we'd do something special for you. We met up in the Grapefruit Room and all worked together to draw this. We hope you enjoy it! > > Your friends

Now, John had been to D.C. a few times, and knew about the Davison Centre. It was renowned for its very offbeat architecture. The Grapefruit Room was one of the weirdest: it had been constructed by taking a world-record grapefruit, carving out the flesh, and preserving the rind. The result was a walk-in fruit, and it always smelled of citrus.

It took John a while to work out the significance of the gift, but when he realized it, he was overjoyed. His good friends had seen fit to grant him a stave judge-men penned in a peel.

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đŸ‘€︎ u/scshunt
📅︎ Sep 28 2012
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Vegetarian trifecta while making dinner with my wife.

So, on Sunday my wife and I were making stir fry for lunch after church. I chopped up some flank steak and test fried a piece in the wok, pulled it out, cut it in two, and we each tried a piece to see how it tasted (in case it needed more ginger or garlic or oyster sauce). This conversation happened.

My wife: (enjoying the flavor) How do couples where one person is a vegetarian handle meals?

Me: I guess the man has a help meet for him like Adam.

Her: I'm being serious, how do they do it.

Me: I know, right? People get married for lots of carnal knowledge.

Her: (annoyed) All kidding aside, I'm curious how people make that work.

Me: Give me some time to flesh out my argument, and I'm sure I can find a couple that hasn't butchered their relationship.

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đŸ‘€︎ u/wuapinmon
📅︎ May 20 2015
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Nuns

I walk into a Longhorn Steakhouse with my dad and we see four nuns sitting at a table making their order... My dad looks at me and says: "I guess they couldn't resist the flesh".

Another time: It was Easter weekend and we're at the airport to pick up my sister. Waiting at arrivals is a group of three nuns... My dad says: "Who are they here to pick up? Pontius Pilot?"

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đŸ‘€︎ u/Lacagada
📅︎ Aug 27 2013
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