If a friend left you 12 bottles of wine on your doorstep, would you be extremely....

Grapeful.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.

I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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St Helens elephants: Doorstep mystery leaves police dumbo-founded bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/arazilla96
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
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Hey girl!! Are you a newspaper?

Because there's a new issue with you everyday.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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What do you call a guy lying on your doorstep?

Matt.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?

Bob

Edited because I used the darker version by mistake

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2019
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What is the difference between an art installation and performance art?

Crap on your neighbors doorstep then ring the doorbell - that's an art installation.

Ring the doorbell THEN crap on his doorstep - that's performance art.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pdb12345
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
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For two days in a row, I slipped on the frozen newspaper in front of my doorstep on my way out to work.

I seem to have fallen on hard Times.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2018
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I found a bag of peanuts on my doorstep.

Guess I'm going nuts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iiJackdaw
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
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If witches, drunks, and hobos show up at my doorstep, I can only assume it’s Halloween.

Because our family reunion was in April.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2018
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There's an envelope on my doorstep that says "do not bend"

I still haven't worked out how to pick it up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fingerofblame
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2017
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I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...

Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ViShAl2212
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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Ordering snails

After a long day of work i came home and asked my wife what's for dinner. She didn't know either so i said, you know what? Lets go for a fancy dinner at the restaurant, we're gonna eat some snails.

She wasn't interested in going out and said, you know what why don't you go to the night shop and pick up some snails and some red wine. And so i did..

On my way back home from the night shop i come across some friends dragging me to the bar. I end up drinking beers until 5 in the morning and then finally decide to go home. Grabbing the keys in my pocket i manage to drop the snails i bought at the night shop.

Now, at my doorstep, i ring the bell. My wife opens up and asks me where i was for the last few hours. I look at the ground and say "hurry up you damn snails we're almost there".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PokaYoka
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
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No arms, no legs, all lame

My dad tells these old jokes all the time and acts like it's the first time we've ever heard them each time. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the lake? Bob What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs under the car? Jack What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a hole? Phil What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on the wall? Art What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the mail? Bill What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the doorstep? Matt What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in stage? Mike And his personal favorite... What do you call 2 guys with no arms and no legs above the window? Curt n' Rod

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Luckj
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2017
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My son had a dream last night.

He dreamed that his teacher died in a car crash and came to us in a panic worried and telling us to warn her. My wife and I told him that it was just a dream and to go back to bed. The next day he came home crying because his teacher never made it to work and died in a car crash. We were worried but explained to him it must have been a coincidence.

A few weeks later he rushed into our room again crying saying he saw daddy die in a dream but didnt remember how. My wife calmed him down but now I was seriously worried. The next day I went to work in a constant panic. The drive there, all day throughout work scared if something would happen. All day nothing.

I finally got home and came to the door to see my wife. I told her I had the worst day of my life. She turned to me and said,"you think you had an awful day? This morning after you left for work the mailman died on our doorstep!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaezRunner097
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
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A rite of passage.

Meet James and Sasha, both 23, in a serious relationship and madly in love. James is worried about children, as he knows there is an honourable history of dad jokes in his family, and he is not sure he can live up to these great expectations. One night, whilst doing the deed, the condom breaks. They are both scared but after a couple weeks and no sign of pregnancy, they go back to their normal lives, and James goes back to worrying about parenthood. After returning home from work one night, James finds a tearful Sasha on the front doorstep. He sits next to her to ask what's wrong. 'Honey...' She replies. 'I'm pregnant.' James wipes a tear from his eye, and smiles proudly. 'Hello pregnant. I'm dad.'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyUserSucks
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2015
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Every time my dad tells this it gets just a little more elaborate. But this is how I remember it.

Paul has a shitty life, his wife constantly berates him, his job sucks, his boss is a bully, his car is a shitty 85 ford pinto with a cracked windshield and is in bad need of a new transmission and to top it all off he's chubby, balding, and he has a small penis.

The only thing good in Paul's life is his friend Artie. Artie isn't the brightest bulb in the world, but he's always been there for Paul in the tough times. On October 5, 1953 Artie stood up for Paul against his bully in 7th grade. Artie got his ass handed to him at that time, but so did Paul. That incident resulted in a life long friendship. Paul and Artie went to the same High School together. They traveled around Europe that one summer in college. Artie was Paul's best man at his wedding. Everyone thought speech Artie gave was terrible, But Paul loved it Artie was his best friend.

Artie's life wasn't much better either, he never had the smarts for that great Job. In fact he was stuck in a dead end job as a construction labourer. Artie's car was pretty shitty too. Artie never married, but he was happy in the knowledge that at least he didn't end up with Paul's shitty wife.

For Paul's 46th birthday Artie was pretty broke, so all he could get his friend was a single lottery ticket. Artie being the sentimental guy that he was picked the date of the start of their friendship, and their respective ages (46, 45). Paul loved the present, and thought that the two of them should go to the Legion that friday to split a round of beers and listen to them call out the numbers.

On Friday they are both sitting there at the Legion having a laugh over a couple of beers when the cute lottery girl comes on the t.v. to read out the numbers. Paul pulls out the ticket and spreads it out on the beer stained table in front of them. The lottery girl starts reading out the numbers, 45, 10, 05. Both of Paul and Artie's hearts start beating, thats 200$ already. 53, Holy crap thats like a 10, 000 ticket. They both start losing their shit. 46....... Paul feints. He just won the jackpot. 37million dollars.

Two minutes later Artie finally revives Paul. Paul and Artie celebrate the night away, buy round after round for the people at the Legion and get absolutely shittered. They close out the bar and as the ugly lights come on they stumble blitzed, singing, onto the street arm in arm with the winning lottery ticket in hand and start the long walk back to Paul's place.

Halfway home, Paul comes to two drunken

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/clearwind
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2014
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Meet the Jack of all dadjokes!

I was asked to help chauffeur a carload of youth around town for a Christmas caroling activity last night. One of the names on the list was Jack, who lost his wife earlier this year. Jack is in his early 90's, stands about 5'2, and is quite possibly the king of all dad jokes.

So, the group of about 25 kids and 5 adults sneak up to his doorstep and begin singing a few short Christmas carols. Eventually, he opens the door and is thrilled to have visitors.

After we are finished singing and the kids are all running back to the vehicles to get out of the 15 degree weather, jack steps out of his doorway and on to his porch. He is wearing a light t-shirt and pajama pants... he was setting us up, and we took the bait, hook, line, and sinker.

Woman: Are you freezing?

Jack: No, I'm not freezing, I'm Jack (pause for laughter)

Jack: but if you hang on for just a minute, I can get freezing for you.

and then he just stood there smiling at us. It was precious. Come to find out, Jack is entering a retirement home in a few days because he is getting to the point that it is hard to take care of himself anymore.

Oh boy, those nurses are in for a treat once Jack gets settled in.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Happyazz84
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2013
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What do you call a guy lying on your doorstep?

Matt

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Faiz_Clan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2020
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What do you call a guy lying on your doorstep?

Matt.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
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What do you call a guy lying on your doorstep?

Matt.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
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There was a knock at the door this morning, so I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep. I thought,

"I'd better let this sink in."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naptownfellow
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
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What do you call a guy lying on your doorstep?

Matt.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
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What do you call a guy lying on your doorstep?

Matt.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on a doorstep?

Matt.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on a grill?.... Frank.

What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs on a grill?.... Patty.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?.... Bob.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at the bottom of a pool?.... Dwayne.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaWeedNumber
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2016
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