The one time I took a librarian on a date, she cost me a bloody fortune.
My own fault though, I kept her out too long.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies. "
I replied, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids."
Today I found out that you can actually hear the blood flowing through your veins.
You just have to listen varicosely.
Bloody stairlifts..!
They drive me up the wall..
Have you heard they’re making Christmas themed tampons?
They’re for the festive period!
Sat at the PC gaming last night and a bloody book hit me on the head!
I only have my shelf to blame!
Why did AB hate O so much?
Because O was to negative.
Pum pum pum papapapum....
My grandfather died because the report said he had Type A blood
Turns out it was a Type-O
Blood and Organ related puns please
So a colleague is leaving my work (transfusion medicine lab) to work as an information manager for the organ transplant service. I make cards and I’m trying to think up something punny to write on/in his card and I’ll paint a picture on the front for context. I was thinking like “bloody good luck” or “sorry you’re transplanting”... but less shitty!
Thanks in advance :)
My bloody neighbour was knocking on my door at 2am !!
Luckily I was still up playing my drums.
Did you hear the Journal of Modern Medicine rejected an article about Midol?
The editor said it was not current at all, but more of a period piece!
Mum: (yells at dad) - Why is there a bloody tennis racquet on the kitchen table??
Dad: Relax love it's serving lunch.
Do u think if a British person heard an American person go “ugh I have a bloody nose” they would think “we all have noses you know”
Credit goes to my friend who made the joke
Haha made me laugh at my own meme
My dad cut himself while getting veggies
We got some bloody tomatoes
I've called Bloody Mary three times now
I think she's ghosting me
Went to the shops and bought some fly spray.
Sprayed it all over me....Still can't bloody fly.
So, I bought a coin minting machine on eBay for $10...
But the thing only makes pennies. I understand now why it was so cheap.
It makes cents
My wife is really angry because I have no sense of direction
So I just packed up my things and right
Why did the psychic chicken cross the road?
To get in touch with the other side.
The new "Joker" movie is rated R for Strong bloody violence, language, disturbing behavior and brief sexual images"..
I guess you could say that the "Joker" without an R is just a joke.
Last Thanksgiving I cut myself with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law walks up and grabs the bloody cut and starts twisting it. I screamed “Ouch, what are you doing!!”
He says, “I’m applying the turn-a-cut!”
What do you call the Mandalorian's partner?
Co-Mando.
(Credit to my girlfriend)
I know a couple of vampire puns
I need your jokes
My gf is on her period. I have been telling her all day period puns and jokes. I am all out and i need your help
Its bloody cold today just had to use my Company’s staff discount card to scrape the ice off my windscreen.
Still only managed to get 10% off....
Joke
Unwanted children are minor mistakes
I put up a random movie, turns out it was about the invention of the tampon
I didn’t expect it to be a period piece
I thought I had a bloody nose.
...but I blew my nose and it’s snot.
What’s black and white and red all over?
They only serve Bloody Marys.
Got a call from school, saying my son was a notorious liar....
I said, "He must be bloody good, I don't have a son."
A slate came off the roof and sliced a builders ear off.
We all looked for the ear so we could take it to hospital to get it sewn on.
Whats this here. And shows us a bloody ear.
The builder said i dont know whos that ear is its not mine.
How can you tell we asked.
Cos mine had a pencil behind it!
A stone thrown into a pond in 1990 has been wet for around 30 years.
why couldn’t the vampire choose between ribeye, sirloin or T bone?
Because he was scared of stakes
"Whoever invented the Band-Aid was a bloody genius" - my dad
Why is a social media platform like a bloody Pennywise?
You know what’s really odd?
Numbers not divisible by 2.
CDC: “No handshakes”
Jeffrey Dahmer: shuts off blender “Aww...”
Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins?
You just have to listen varicosely
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