A bunch of cows wandered onto a cannabis field

The steaks were high

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/invisible_being
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My Roomba accidentally wandered outside my house, and all the animals started viciously attacking it.

Nature abhors a vacuum.

πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2019
🚨︎ report
TIL about Arda Djoques, a homeless woman in Baltimore who wandered into a school and pretended to be a substitute teacher for two weeks. Despite great reviews from her peers, when the school found out, she was forcefully thrown to the street.

Oops, wrong sub.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2018
🚨︎ report
A very honest dad and his son accidentally wander into a strip club.

A prostitute goes to the dad, and he notices her coming his way. He quickly closes his son's eyes.

Son: Dad, what was that woman wearing?

Dad: Uhh, nothing.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Turuu_Was_Taken
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do Italians make great wanderers?

Because they're Roman.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rockstorm8232
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
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People who wander around are not crazy

They’re nomads

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fedoras4furries
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
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What do you call a wandering nun?

A "roamin" Catholic.

πŸ‘︎ 371
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mspt1500
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
🚨︎ report
A drunk man eating chips wanders into a monastery

While wandering around he bumps into a old man in robes cooking.

With a grin the drunk man asks β€œAre you the fish friar?”

β€œNo brother” he replied β€œI’m the chip monk”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Exhious
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
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What do you call a person in prehistoric times that wanders around aimlessly?

A Meanderthal

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jerdub1993
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My cows like to wander

so I herd.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/POCKALEELEE
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
YOU KNOW YOU’RE A DAD WHEN…

β€’ you suddenly know all the words to every Eagles song.

β€’ you get up early on a Saturday morning to make sure you’ll be tired enough for a couch nap that afternoon.

β€’ you change your car’s oil exactly every 2,000 miles.

β€’ mowing the lawn is no longer a chore, but a privilege.

β€’ you can actually tell old John Wayne movies apart.

β€’ your idea of fun is aimlessly wandering around the home improvement section of any store.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daviscojokes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
I had been lost in Las Vegas for days, wandering the streets. Up ahead, I thought I saw my hotel...

But it was a Mirage...

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun?

She was a roman catholic.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a goose with β€œwandering eyes?”

A gandering gander

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gardeningnovice
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the pope that wanted to be a ninja?

He was a blessing in disguise

πŸ‘︎ 125
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoMoreTerritory
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Two very hungry men were wandering the desert when they see a bacon tree.

One runs up to eat the bacon, when all of the sudden he starts getting shot at from out of nowhere. He yells to his friend, "watch out! It's not a bacon tree. It's a hambush!"

*Borrowed from a friend who is very much dad material.

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Phizzwizard
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?

A romaine Catholic priest.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a wandering caveman?

A meanderthal.

πŸ‘︎ 117
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PRTYSHRT
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2018
🚨︎ report
Curious

A guy sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

The owner replies, "'Cause he's fucking liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spazpekker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Wandering the fruit aisle, looking for Peach.
πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2018
🚨︎ report
Ever heard the wandering nun joke?

There's always a Roamin Catholic.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeoTheSpiderboy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Why does a dock master check wander out onto the docks? To be amongst his piers.
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trajanman
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2018
🚨︎ report
If Wonder Woman walks around aimlessly, she is

Wander Woman.

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madforfeijoa
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of bee wanders the earth as an undead being?

A zombee.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ch3000
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2019
🚨︎ report
I found the pope wandering around in my yard...

he said he was just ROME-ing around!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PugMage101
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2019
🚨︎ report
If I were to wander around in Italy...

Would I be roamin'?

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dagoldenalpaca
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
🚨︎ report
The Grim Reaper went to collect a soul. Upon arriving he says to the unfortunate man: "Your time has come, prepare to leave the land of the living and follow me to the gates of heaven. Now come and don't hesitate, for I am unforgiving. Or else you will wander in the shadow realm for eternity!

Hi unforgiving, I'm dad"

"Yes you are"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sint__Maarten
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a hopeless romantic who wanders the countryside?

Roam-eo.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RhynoCTR
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2018
🚨︎ report
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife asked, β€œHoney, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”

He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, β€œTomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. β€œWell, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.”

β€œNo, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

β€œWell, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said. β€œHer name is Sally and she’s selling batteries.”

β€œBatteries?” cried the wife.

β€œYes,” he replied. β€œShe sells C cells by the Seashore.”

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a superhero with a bad sense of direction?

Wander Woman

πŸ‘︎ 275
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPalancik
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
🚨︎ report
A man with a gold claim in Alaska was cursed.

At first the curse just brought him bad luck, causing vital equipment to break and provoking frequent but small injuries to him and his crew. Soon, however, the curse darkened and diggers the man had hired to help work his claim began to die in bizarre ways.

One was killed by an African scorpion that should never have made it to Alaska, let alone have survived the cold. A second drank a gallon of the mercury used to separate the gold from the ore. A third was found with a tree growing up through his body.

The man himself who owned the claim became more and more pale. His eyes became all white. His skin began to give off an overpowering smell of sulfur. He slept all day and at night he wandered the mountain above his claim, coming back each day looking more like a beast than a man.

The curse became so bad the last worker alive ran away to the nearest town to tell the authorities what was happening at the claim.

In an attempt to save the claim owner's life and lift the curse, a priest was brought in by dogsled to perform an exorcism on the man.

A sherriff from the town came with the priest as a bodyguard.

The exorcism was long, but apparently successful. Immediately the man's color returned, the sulfur smell disappeared, and he was able to sleep through the night for the first time in six months.

After the man awoke, the sherriff immediately arrested the man and brought him back to town with the priest. Standing in front of the judge, the sherriff was asked what charge the law had against the claim owner whose life had just been so dramatically turned around.

The sherriff looked at the man, then looked back at the judge and said in a slow and rumbling voice, "Possession as a miner."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My fiancΓ© Amy dumped me...

and I was crushed and my world had no purpose, no direction. I wandered through my life Amy-lessly.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/youtellmebob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Was wandering around San Fran when I happened to run into the building I'll be working in all week...

When I called my parents and told them I found it during my walk, my dad told me, "Well I hope you didn't get hurt!" ....thanks dad.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2014
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There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening.

Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.

So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.

He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.

As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.

She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.

This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.

When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.

This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.

The two couldn't be happier!

They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.

One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.

She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.

She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.

A shallot, if you will.

A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.

They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.

The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.

Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.

Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.

He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.

One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.

The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.

She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
So I got lost in a maze.

I was wandering in circles for ages, but then I remembered some advice my dad gave me. I started digging around until I found water, and I knew I had found the way out. What was his advice? β€œWhere there’s a well, there’s a way.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGreatAutisto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call Sir Francis Drake's circumnavigation of the Earth?

A Wander of the World

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gssn-nospace
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I knew you'd say that (xpost from r/TalesFromRetail)

Posted this on r/Talesfromretail and it was suggested I post here.

I used to work in store where we would ask customers if they had an account number at the check out. The number would be put in manually before putting the shopping through and the customer would get back one penny on every pound they spent.

One day a family who I hadn't seen before came in and while the mum and kids wandered off to start shopping. The dad came over to the side of my till while I was serving customers, announced his account number and then ran off to join his family without saying anything else. OK, that was weird, I went on serving.

About 10 minutes later the family are queued for my till. When it comes to the point where I should ask for their number the dad grins at me and I realise what's going on. Fortunately, I have a bizarrely good memory for numbers and, without skipping a beat, I reel off the one he gave me when he came in the store. The kids both gasp and their eyes go wide. They look at their dad in awe.

As I'm putting through the shopping, I hear the dad say:

>See? I told you they were psychic.

πŸ‘︎ 199
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πŸ‘€︎ u/huskydaisy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2018
🚨︎ report
My friend was taking a pretty horizontal path in life, but I never understood it.

All I could ever do is wander Y.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chuckbelvis
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Traveling Evangelical Geese...

My morning walk with the dog was cut short today. There's a park we usually wander through so she can sniff and explore, but today we couldn't get in because the path was blocked by an army of angry geese.

I was telling my mom about this and she mentioned there are geese at the river where she and a friend take their dogs, too. She said they must all be in town for some kind of conference. Then she paused for half a second and continued:

I bet it's a religious thing. They're here to preach the goosepel.

(To satisfy the rule: that's a play on gospel.)

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PupperPuppet
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
🚨︎ report
There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath....

After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.

Many years passed by like that.

At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.

With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:

  • Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.

A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger’s hand and immediately he asked:

  • Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn’t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn’t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:

  • Thank you

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doty152
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun?

She was a roman catholic.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a wandering caveman?

A Meanderthal!

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OverZealousPasta
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a wandering caveman?

A meanderthal

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jammerfish
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a wandering caveman?

A Meanderthal

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jammerfish
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a wandering nun?

A roamin' Catholic.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gnioros
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2016
🚨︎ report
What do you call a wandering caveman?

A meanderthal!

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ben767676
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2017
🚨︎ report

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