After watching me read βWar and Peaceβ, my son asked me, βDad, why is the book so thick?β
Me: Well, itβs ......a long story.
π︎ 10k
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︎ May 20 2020
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. Β·chucklesΒ· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
-Charles Fart.
π︎ 8k
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︎ May 06 2020
The term βdad bodβ is offensive
π︎ 256
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︎ Jul 03 2020
From my offspring. What is the difference between a dad and an elevator?
An elevator can raise a family.
π︎ 53
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︎ Jul 01 2020
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary,"
Me: "No it doesn'tβ
π︎ 13k
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︎ Mar 30 2020
So my daughter is clearing the table and holds her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
I've never been prouder.
π︎ 13k
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︎ Apr 03 2020
My dad told me this rn. "Which is faster, heat or cold?"
Heat because you can catch a cold.
π︎ 19
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︎ Jul 03 2020
"Dad, I don't remember that guy's name, what is it?"
Mr. E.!
(Came to me in a flash, totally whooshed my son unfortunately)
π︎ 30
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︎ Jul 06 2020
Dad is outstanding
π︎ 47
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︎ Jun 14 2020
My dad is a chemist
He tells jokes periodically
Edit: spelling
π︎ 12
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︎ Jul 06 2020
How can you tell when a joke is a 'dad joke'?
π︎ 117
π
︎ Jun 06 2020
Dad: Hey, donβt forgetβ tomorrow is Fatherβs Day.
Me: Donβt forget its son day too.
π︎ 82
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︎ Jun 20 2020
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
βNo more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokesβ
Iβm glad he still has his sense of humor through these tough times
π︎ 142
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︎ May 31 2020
As a dad of boys, poop is always a solid conversation topic.
Sometimes, not so solid, either.
π︎ 9
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︎ Jun 24 2020
Not really sure this is a dad joke but my daughter just confused us both. She's making bracelets and said she plans to sell them for 50 cents to raise money for her school.
She said she'll give half to her school and keep a quarter for herself.
π︎ 20
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︎ Jun 25 2020
What is Moby Dicks Dads name?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jul 04 2020
Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is like?
π︎ 33
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︎ Jun 06 2020
Not a dad, but my neighbor who is a dad was proud of me for this one. He was helping me dig up trees and I turned to him upset and said:
Wow you just left me with a bunch of Ash-holes in my yard.
π︎ 9
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︎ Jun 22 2020
Dad walks into the dinning room where his wife and two children are eating. He is holding a full lint catcher from the dryer when he says to them:
Hey guys, itβs lint fam.
π︎ 2
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︎ Jul 05 2020
Do you remember hearing your first dad joke? Is there one that has stuck with you through the years?
Mine was about 20 years ago, I was 17 at the time and going to my gfβs sisters house for dinner with her family. We brought some things to help with dinner. As weβre walking up to the house carrying the cookware, her dad looks back and says, βhey, now that youβre walking the wok, can you talk the talk?β. Not sure why but Iβll never forget that. Still makes me chuckle to this day. Whatβs yours?
π︎ 11
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︎ May 26 2020
A dad joke is like coronavirus
Sometimes they just have to spread to a few thousand people before you get it...
...and some people get 'em right off the bat!
π︎ 7
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︎ Jun 16 2020
βDad, what is a joke I can post on Reddit to get a lot of upvotes?β
βHm, thatβs a good question, son. I think I have an idea.β
βOkay, dad. What is it?β
βYou should post a story about an old man tying balloons to his house to fly away and a Boy Scout joining him as they float down to South America.β
βWhy would I post that, dad?β
βBecause then when people like it, youβll get a lot of Up votes.β
π︎ 85
π
︎ May 09 2020
Coming up with dad jokes is all about Vice Presidential timing.
There is an Al Gore rhythm.
π︎ 4
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︎ Jun 07 2020
My family is tired of me telling dad jokes during quarantine.
I replied βwhatβs wrong? you donβt like inside jokes?β
π︎ 135
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︎ Apr 21 2020
What is the average lenght of a dad joke?
π︎ 6
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︎ Jun 14 2020
My dad was complaining how hot it is. I told him to get a couple of fans
He said he just isn't popular enough
π︎ 9
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︎ Jun 08 2020
My son is almost 3, and frantically calls me into his room when he should be sleeping. Dad! Dad! Put your finger in my ear... so I do...
"Get outta h-ear!", he says to me.
Made me so proud. Unprompted dad jokes from our little apprentices are just so great.
π︎ 28
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︎ May 19 2020
My toddler is a dad in the making
After we got him his breakfast, I went into the kitchen to grab my breakfast. He called for me to come back and I just him I'd be back in one second. He waited a moment and said "Oooone second!"
I'm so proud.
π︎ 2
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︎ Jun 17 2020
This year my dad is celebrating his birthday for half a minute. Why you may ask?
Itβs his 32nd birthday.
π︎ 48
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︎ Apr 21 2020
Son: Dad, why is it called Right and Left?
Dad: Well son, back when I was a boy your Right hand was the right one to use, and if you didn't then your Left hand was the only one left.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 06 2020
"Watch out dad, that sprinkler is going to hit the sidewalk near you!"
"Don't worry buddy, it just mist me."
π︎ 23
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︎ May 28 2020
My Dad has always been a Fabrication head at a lift company and my mum is a retired nurse..
According to him, their first date was "A Casual tea"..
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 13 2020
"Dad, is the morgue really filled with a bunch of bodies?"
π︎ 12
π
︎ May 20 2020
Son: Dad, is that a steering wheel in your pants?
Dad: Sure is son.. it's driving me nuts!
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 12 2020
I know a dad whose last name is Storm
He has three daughters:
Summer, April, and Haley.
π︎ 2
π
︎ May 29 2020
Mum: (yells at dad) - Why is there a bloody tennis racquet on the kitchen table??
Dad: Relax love it's serving lunch.
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 31 2020
Child: Dad, I don't think this dish is entirely edible
Dad: You can do it. Bay Leaf in yourself.
π︎ 3
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︎ May 31 2020
Prehistoric Dad: Son, your older brother is training to be a Hunter. Do you understand what that means?
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 19 2020
My dad was doing a crossword the other day, he shouted across the room, 'Help me with 11 down the clue is: Over worked Postman'. 'How may letters?' I asked.
π︎ 19
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︎ May 17 2020
My dad is so stupid,
He thought an arms dealer sold prosthetic limbs...
π︎ 6
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︎ May 01 2020
You can always tell how good a dad is, by how many baby wipes they use
3 wipes: rookie dad, hasn't figured it out yet
2 wipes: getting there, but still a noob
1 wipe: master dad
0 wipes: not a very good dad.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 05 2020
This isnβt a dad joke but it kinda is
Everyday when I used to get off from school on a Friday my dad always says youβve been good you donβt have to go to school tomorrow unless you want to and I hate it.
π︎ 10
π
︎ May 09 2020
When dad is an artist.
π︎ 405
π
︎ Jan 14 2020
My dad is a social distancing champ !
I haven't seen him since 2005
π︎ 27
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︎ Apr 04 2020
My dadβs answer to everything is alcohol.
He doesnβt drink, heβs just terrible at crosswords.
π︎ 27
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︎ May 02 2020
My dad sent me this today: "All they're talking about on the news is the coronavirus. Nobody said anything about the damn coronapox!"
http://imgur.com/gallery/XgScS7E
π︎ 43
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︎ Mar 14 2020
My dad was repairing something, I couldn't see what it is. So i asked: "what is that?"
π︎ 227
π
︎ Feb 24 2020
Whats is the problem with strict dads?
You're in trouble the moment you cross the dadline
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 10 2020
βDad, is the Fibonacci sequence difficult to understand?β
Dad: No, itβs as easy as 1,1,2,3....
π︎ 35
π
︎ Apr 13 2020
Raising chickens at home, just asked my Dad "how do I tell if a baby chick is male or female?"
Dad: "look for the pecker"
π︎ 14
π
︎ Mar 30 2020
Daughter: Ewww. Dad, someone at this cookout has deodorant that is not working.
Dad: It's not me - I'm not wearing any deodorant!
π︎ 21
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︎ Apr 08 2020
This is definitely something my dad would say
π︎ 5k
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︎ Nov 02 2019
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you donβt.β And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town canβt be buried here.β I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz theyβre still alive!"
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Jul 28 2019
I just made a list of my top 10 favourite Dad jokes. The first 9 are great but the last one is an absolute cracker
-
great
-
great
-
great
-
great
-
great
-
great
-
great
-
great
-
great
-
An absolute cracker
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Oct 30 2019
My Dad is really excited that I play the same musical instrument he does. I'm not sure if it's worth it,
since he calls me "Tuba Good In Junior"
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 17 2020
Son: Why is my sister named Julianna? Dad: We couldn't decide between Julie and Anna
Son: Thanks dad
Dad: No problem Tedward
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 07 2020
Dad, is this your milk?
No sweety. It's cows milk.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 02 2020
I told my son I was named after Thomas Jeffersonβ¦ He said, βBut dad, your name is Brian.β I said, βI know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.β
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Oct 17 2019
My dad is obsessed with Wonder Woman, Catwoman and the Black Widow.
I think he's a heroine addict.
π︎ 46
π
︎ Feb 03 2020
Homer Simpson is an alcoholic because he is following his dad's only piece of advise
π︎ 3
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︎ Feb 27 2020
My dad is an Iraqi that worked for Glad.
π︎ 10
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︎ Mar 13 2020
Here is a song dedicated to all them dads such inside resisting their wild side.
π︎ 2
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︎ Mar 30 2020
Letβs say youβre driving and you see a little kid and a old person. What do you hit? (Donβt know if this is a dad joke but funny anyway.)
π︎ 15
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︎ Feb 03 2020
My dad is always embarrassed about cutting himself while getting rid of his beard, so he locks himself in the bathroom...
I guess heβs just trying to shave faceβ¦
π︎ 6
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︎ Mar 12 2020
4yo son: Dad, My tummy is full. I have no more space, to eat anything, left.
Me: Okay. Just eat everything that is right.
Wife: sighs and rolls eyes
π︎ 23
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︎ Jan 13 2020
Dad is buying supper from the chippy.
"Would you like anything on your chips?"
"Does it cost extra?"
"Ten pence."
"All right, I'll have four sausages and a steak pie."
π︎ 8
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︎ Jan 31 2020
Long time dad first time poster in need of some help from my fellow dad's in here. What is Snoop Dogg fishing for?
Fishizzle!
Here is what i need help with. I seen a some fishing gear with the name "fishizzle" and lighting struck! Has anyone heard this one before? Did I just make a OC dad joke? If so Is it "dad joke" worthy? I really hope so becuase I just sent this to my daughter.
Thanks in advance.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 11 2020
My dad is a principal.
Today someone smeared shit all over the bathroom. His response: we will find the poop-ertraitor.
π︎ 15
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︎ Jan 31 2020
Is it wierd that I say more dad jokes than my dad? And Iβm 16?
Literally just now heβs making chili and he pours in some frozen corn (beginning of the chili making process) and he tries a spoonful
Me looking from the other room: howβs it taste?
Him: cold
Me out of breath from running in at the speed of light: so itβs a little CHILI?
Him: get out
π︎ 40
π
︎ Jan 15 2020
I don't know if this is a Dad joke or just plain appalling...
I was in the kitchen with John Lennon about to do the dishes and I turned to him and said:
"Right John, I've got my washing up basin, sponges, hot water, the dishes themselves of course...is that it am I ready to go? Do I need anything else?"
And John turned to me and said-
>!"All you need is glove!<
>!All you need is glove,!<
>!All you need is glove,glove!<
>!Glove is all you need"!<
π︎ 8
π
︎ Feb 03 2020
Dad is taking a flight today so asked my mom if he got off without a hitch
βYes. The hitch was too heavy to bring along.β
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 24 2020
I'm not a dad, but I pulled this on my sister and achieved a groan. So here it is!
*Me entering my sister's room and see her studying.
Me: "What's up? Wanna play Halo?"
Sis: "I want to but I can't. My exams are coming."
Me: "Then don't open the door!"
Sis: *groans
π︎ 21
π
︎ Jan 08 2020
Dad is doggone hilarious
π︎ 162
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︎ Sep 18 2019
My earliest childhood memory is when my dad took me to the store to get prescription glasses.
Life before that is a blur.
π︎ 24
π
︎ Jan 05 2020
My dad: You know what they say... A Mayan is a terrible thing to waste. Me: Who says that?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 08 2020
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
π︎ 7k
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︎ Apr 09 2020
When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent
π︎ 134
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︎ May 15 2020
"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Mar 22 2020
Dad, why is that book so thick?
π︎ 40
π
︎ Apr 24 2020
Son: dad, why is this book so thick?
Dad: itβs a long story.
π︎ 20
π
︎ May 16 2020
I told my dad, βDonβt forget tomorrow is Motherβs Day!β
Dad : Donβt forget itβs son day too.
π︎ 13
π
︎ May 10 2020
Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is like?
π︎ 252
π
︎ Jan 14 2020
Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is like?
π︎ 41
π
︎ Jan 15 2020
When is a Dad joke not a Dad joke.
When it's told by a Catholic Priest.
Then it's a Father joke.
π︎ 40
π
︎ Jan 06 2020
I want to dedicate this Dad joke to my father, who is a roofer.
So Dad, if you are up there...
π︎ 81
π
︎ Dec 11 2019
"Dad can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Sep 03 2019
Son: dad can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?
π︎ 536
π
︎ Sep 25 2019
"Dad, I don't really get it.. Can you tell me what is a Solar Eclipse?"
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 10 2020
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