I'll hire this guy for a contract
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📅︎ Dec 11 2020
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What the best way to make a muscle contract?

Make them sign on the dotted line.

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📅︎ Dec 18 2020
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The World Health Organization announced dogs cannot contract COVID-19 and indicated they should no longer be quarantined.

WHO let the dogs out.

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📅︎ Sep 28 2020
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My barber wanted we to sign a contract before cutting my hair, but I refused...

I wouldn't accept his perms and conditions.

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📅︎ May 20 2020
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My brother was stressing that someone in our house could contract the coronavirus by going out for supplies.

My dad responded: "We could all be getting viruses from our computers right now."

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📅︎ Mar 19 2020
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In my company, you have to agree to not shaving beard in the contract

It's called the Santa Clause

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📅︎ Feb 27 2020
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Why did the orchestra loose its tv contract?

Too much violins on tv.

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👤︎ u/slvrdiver
📅︎ Aug 02 2019
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Even in places where grocery workers are allowed to unionize people who do bagging work have no say on what goes into each new contract.

Baggers can't be choosers after all.

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📅︎ Dec 01 2019
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I was reading about the guy who invented contract hits?

He made a killing.

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📅︎ Aug 10 2019
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I'm a successful salesman for mobile internet contracts

But every time I visit the countryside I get soft and lose my edge

👍︎ 3
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👤︎ u/D0tBlue
📅︎ Aug 07 2019
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I took my daughter to adopt a cat at the shelter. I was surprised we had to sign an itemized legal contract with expected costs. When I told the clerk I thought rescuing a cat would be free...

She told me ”Dad, If you want a cat, you should expect a fee line.” I’m so proud!

👍︎ 15
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👤︎ u/Tarynxm
📅︎ May 21 2019
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What does a Tyrannosaurus Rex get when he contracts an STD?

Dino-sores.

👍︎ 44
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👤︎ u/andyraf
📅︎ Sep 08 2018
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As a lawyer, I don't mind if my clients write up their own contracts

But I NEVER let them put anything at the bottom of the page.

That's where I draw the line.

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👤︎ u/lanspread
📅︎ Sep 07 2017
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What is the sexiest part of a contract?

The fine print.

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📅︎ Aug 30 2017
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Artie the Contract Killer (long)

A man was very unhappily married and tired of being in debt. So he figured out a way to resolve both of his problems with ease. He started by taking out a life insurance policy on his wife, naming himself as the sole beneficiary. Then, he spoke to a friend, who had a friend, who knew a guy who made people "disappear". He met with the gentleman, Artie, and they set up the plot to murder his wife. Artie said it would only be $5,000, but he wanted it upfront. The man, not having much money, opened his wallet and showed Artie the lone one dollar bill. Reluctantly, Artie took the dollar as a down payment. A few days later, Artie followed the wife into a grocery store, and back to the deli section. There was no one else around, so Artie took the opportunity to strangle her to death. Just as he was laying her body down, the manager walked out to witness this scene. Not wanting to leave any witnesses, Artie murdered the manager as well. Unbeknownst to Artie, the store's security witnessed all of this unfold from the hidden cameras around the store. By the time the manager was dead, the police had arrived and arrested Artie. The following day, the front page of the local newspaper read, "Artie Chokes Two For One Dollar at Your Hometown Grocery Store!"

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📅︎ Oct 23 2016
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The World Health Organization has determined that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. All dogs being held in quarantine will be released.

To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

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📅︎ Jun 26 2020
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The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released.

To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

👍︎ 41
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📅︎ Mar 13 2020
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Dogs can not contract coronavirus and do not have to quarantined anymore according to the world health organization

To clarify, WHO let the dogs out

👍︎ 6
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📅︎ Apr 19 2020
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