I’m at my school talent show and this guy said...

β€œbefore I start, I would like to check if my mic is working..” β€œif your name is Michael, please stand up”

then a couple of guys stand up and he goes

β€œthat concludes my mike check”

(I saw this tweet and just had to share it!) Click here for credit

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
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The Earthquake portion of the museum had to close early today, scientists concluded that the exhibit was faulty.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/freshescobar
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
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I just concluded research mapping chimp feces ...

... the locations are marked on a scatter plot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/8bagels
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
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TIL A recent study concluded that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I don't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jcc10
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2018
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In the 1970s farmers attempted giving weed to cows in order to improve milk production. However, they concluded the steaks were too high.
πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RndmRanger
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2018
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It took scientists 15 tries to create the perfect sleep aid. Attempts A-N had no effect..

But they concluded a Pill-O helped everyone sleep better

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dothemagic
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
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I like to keep a photo of the Sun on my phone. When people ask me if I have any kids, I start telling 'em about my son and how bright he is. I then pull out the phone to show them the photo. "He's my star," I conclude with a smile.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NerdyRomantic
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2015
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And to conclude the interview tell me, what are your preferred hobbies?

Bilbo, Frodo and Samsagaz

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yubimarcano
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2018
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Dead crows

The Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) found over 200 dead crows on U.S. Highway 281 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.

A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).

The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars.

TxDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorcycle kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Semujin
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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"There's a 60% chance the killer shot the victim from this spot right here and a 40% chance he shot from over there", said the detective.

"This concludes my probaballistic report."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/earthlybird
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
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A man walks up to a microphone stand.

Man: would all the Mike's stand up please?

a few men stand up

Man: thank you, this concludes the Mike check

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2020
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A recent study in America asked people their preferred butter

48% of Americans chose real butter, whilst the other 51% opted for a substitute.

The study concluded that imitations are only margarineally butter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/a_wild_redditer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
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"Ladies and Gents"

That concludes our tour of the toilets

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
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How to Fall down the Stairs: A Simple How-To

Step 1

Step 2

Step 3

Step 6

Step 12

Step 20

And that concludes my simple how-to.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/creightongw
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
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"Anything these days," I told my son.

He frowned a little.

"What's that?" he asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

"Huh?" he asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

"I don't understand. Explain?" he asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

He sighed loudly.

"Are you crazy, dad?" he asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

"Dad, snap out of it. What's going on?" he asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

"Dad! Dad! Come on. Tell me what you mean?" he asked.

There was a pause.

"Anything these days," I continued.

At this point he was enraged and yelled, "Jesus Christ, I've had enough of this nonsense. What on Earth are you doing? Have you lost your mind? Jees. You're driving me insane!"

There was a silence.

"This is the world we live in," I concluded. "You can't say anything these days without offending someone."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2019
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There was man named Demitri who lived in Russia....

Throughout his whole life he was just fascinated with trains. Specifically passenger cars. He would enjoy going on trips with his family.

Demitri grew up and decided to make it his career. Unfortunately the difficult life he had from bullies pushed him towards the bottle and turned him to an alcoholic.

One late night in his shift he wrecked the train killing 10 people. When the courts found out he was drunk while operating they charged him with murder and sentenced him to the electric chair. For his last meal he only requested a simple ripe banana. When his time came the executioner strapped him to chair and asked for any last words. He simply said, "No." The pulled the lever and to everyone's amazement he was unharmed. The government saw this as an act of God and released him.

Couple of years later Dimitri got another job operating locomotives again. Unfortunately bad habits are not easy to quit and he was still an alcoholic. These trains were his only happiness. Unfortunately it happened again. He was drunk and crashed the train this time killing 8 people. He was again sentenced to death by the electric chair. He once again requested a banana. This time executioner really soaked the sponge to not risk a repeat. When the lever was pulled Dimitri was again left unharmed. Once again it was concluded to be another act of God and he was given his freedom.

Dimitri turned to the bottle even more especially having 18 lives gone because of him. He somehow managed to get another job doing what he loved most. It happened again though. This time, 23 people. The courts angry sentenced him one more time to death by electric chair.

When the time for his final meal came he requested another banana. The guards being very visibly upset over the situation denied his request and he was left no last meal. As the time approached and he was strapped to the chair. The executioner had a large grin ready to take this murderous man off Earth. When he pulled the lever however he was still left unharmed.

Furious the executioner cried, "How are you still alive?! You did not eat the banana!"

Dimitri shook his head and simply said, "Oh no officer the banana is not why I'm still alive. It's because I'm a terrible conductor."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jms199456
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
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I asked a friend for a small favour.

So I asked a friend to bid a little bit on stuff I have on ebay. He didn't have much time and asked me for a favour instead, so I did that for him with the concluding words: "And now you do my bidding."

I patted myself on the shoulder after that.

Edit: Grammar.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MeisterEder
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2014
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My dad just texted me this so I think it counts.

Sorry about being a little out of touch the past couple of months. My business partner bailed on me in January and I'm in the process of forming a new corporation with a couple of investors, hiring a new bookkeeper (my expartner's wife used to do that), arranging a storage facility, moving offices and re-organizing staff. It has been hectic.

Part of my business model is consulting. I recently had an experience that proves the value of consulting & demonstrates how consultants can make a difference in an organization. I was very impressed. I think this is a segment that I can develop with financial help.

Last week, I went out with some friends to a new restaurant (Steve's Bistro & Provisional Ales). I noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked about the spoon.

He told me that restaurant's owner had hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. Everyone started to carry a spoon & since the staff is better prepared now they reduced the number of trips back to the kitchen and are saving 15 man-hours per shift.

A few minutes later I dropped my spoon and & my waiter replaced it with his spare. (I think that he thought I was texting him). He said that he would get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right then. Pretty smart efficiency. These are the types of little changes I plan to make as we move forward.

As we finished dessert I noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. Before my waiter walked off, I asked the him, about the string. He lowered his voice & told me that not everyone is that observant. The consulting firm he had told me about also learned that the restaurant can save time on bathroom breaks. By tying the string to the tip of the penis, the male staff can pull the penis out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash their hands. This small change shortens the ti

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GHOSTWRlTlNG
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2018
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Dad joke in ER

Last night, my girlfriend's grandma was admitted to a nearby hospital for a heart rhythm abnormality. The admitting physician was a great guy, and concluded his admission assessment with a spontaneous, and entirely unrelated, dad joke.

"Did you hear about the two burglars who stole a calendar? They each got six months."

He promptly dropped his stethoscope and left. Boom.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2014
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A couple is trying to decide what kind of mixed drink to make.

The husband suggests a type of juice and coconut rum. "Do you think that would be good?" she asked. "I do", he replied. "It's worth a shot!", she concluded.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/davbrowdid
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2016
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Did you hear about the new Hispanic Catholic locksmith?

"Llave Maria"

(p.s., "llave" is a key. But "aqui" is here. Thus we conclude that Mary is here.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lindleyw
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2013
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Dad joke from my law professor today

We were discussing Wong Sun v. U.s., and the defendants in that case included memorable names such as Johnny Yee, Hom Way, and Wong Son. After an inspired lecture, the professor concluded with

Professor: So let this be a lesson to you all, if you're in engaged in crime... you'll be putting yourself in Hom's Way

*commence class wide groan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_Pizza_Puncher
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2014
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I’d first like to make sure this thing is working. If your name is Michael, please stand up.

That concludes the mike check

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SZT2
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œLadies and Gentlemen.”

That concludes our tour of the toilets.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2018
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My dad just sent me this one...

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lilaregenbogen
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2013
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Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows in the Greater Boston area recently.

There was concern that they might have died from Avian Flu. An avian pathologist examined the remains of the crows, and to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely not avian flu. The cause of death was vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the birds beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that nearly 96% of the crows had been struck by trucks, while only 4% were car impacts.

The MTA then hired an Ornithological Behavourist to determine the reason for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills vs car kills. He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat roadkill, they have a look-out crow nearby to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the look-out crows could shout "Cah!", none could shout "Truck!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thisissami
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2017
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Dad just sent me this. I buried my face in my hands.

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slidewriter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2014
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Dad just emailed me this article about a crow problem in Boston

CROW KILLS

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck." Absolutely amazing!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dysenterygary69
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2015
🚨︎ report
Ladies, and Gents.

That concludes our tour of the toilets.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/junkersuk
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2015
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Just got this in an email from my dad.

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

Amazing!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mathliability
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2013
🚨︎ report

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