They were all in mint condition
Gneiss
It was a slick performance.
That idiot doesn't have a Clue.
He had a lot of time on his hands
The results were exactly what I expected.
How dare he? They have centimental value.
The prose outweighs the cons.
But she had too many issues.
It didn’t last because there were too many dates at their house.
Manufacturers must say some pretty offensive things to ruffle all those feathers.
..but I never could find the 4-0-4.
Help wanted from r/puns!
I am planning to make my girlfriend a picture calendar for 2015 of some dog/ cat based puns of famous dictators. I'm running short of ideas, and so am turning to Reddit, given their penchant for all things pets and puns.
My ideas so far:
Adolf Kitler
Chairman miaow
Kitty Amin
Ho chi(huahua) Min
Robert Pugabi
Colonel Catdafi
Saddam Hussaint Bernard
Benito Pussolini
Fidel Catstro
I'm looking to Reddit's collective pun power to generate some more ideas. Help me punslingers!
Mark my words!
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar
Prime propeties
But I am never gonna give you Up
It requires a lot of monet.
I tell them it is for the shear fun of it
It was a cents-less crime.
It's like she doesn't understand the sedimental value!
One is a groundskeeper while the other is a grounds keeper
I was raking it in.
Because he’s never gonna give you “Up.”
It was called the Plump Gump Sump Pump Dump.
A Lot
Except for the movie Up. He's never gonna give you Up.
I think they're a bit shellf conchess
Remember, only come here for cringe, Because this is the ultimate Pun Collection.
- What does McDonalds say to the tray when it betrays them? "You traytor!"
- Does Spider Man live in an egg? Because i heard he lives in New Yolk.
- These puns aren't very eggciting.
- lettuce taco bout it?
- I will asalt you with puns!
- What if your problem involves telling a phone? JUST TELEPHONE ALREADY!
- What if Jake stands close to Johnny when talking? He Here's Johnny!
- Stop asalting my hard with your judging pursesonality!
- I'll play the Yandere Simulater later.
- You herd about that show? It's called Spongebob Swearpants.
- Why did you diss stew me? (kinda hard to get, but just say it out loud.)
- What does someone say sarcastically in the middle of an intense war that was caused by someone? TANKS TO YOU!
- What type of plane that loves bounce? Boeing!
- How many money did we owe? It said it on the letter right? I don't know, you should've reddit!
I'm sorry for the cringe...
It’s because an asteroid might hit us next month. ..... and ... paper always beats rock
She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”
It was quite a Marvel.
I'm rial-ly developing a respectable collection, lemme tell ya!
Chickens... All of them have at least one buck.
the one of the president of the united states is definitely my trump card
They take a poll...
Everyone kept telling him he needed to "pare it down"
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?"
The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"
"No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all those 'dumb blonde' jokes."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
My wife insists I need to find a hobby that’s not soda pressing
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
A meme away. A meme away.
How to get away with murder.
I'm pretty good at time-keeping
He had a vice vise vice.
It helped him put the squeeze on suspects.
But that'd just be a huge boar-fest.
They just take the money and run.
I mean, he has no common cents.
Then I stopped collecting them
I'm an ex tractor fan
He sold his sole for rock'n'roll.
Now I’m their landlord and I collect rent from my tenants.
It was just collecting dust anyway.
I responded, "It's none of your bee's knees."
A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.
As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.
Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.
Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.
We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."
He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.
Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....
Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.
Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"
Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.
He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."
He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"
Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."
... because it was a Bee movie.
What a milestone!
It's a web-cite.
When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans
They just take the money and run.
Two out of three ain't Bad
because he's Morgoth
Rome-antique person.
She says it lacks common cents
He started dancing and said, "Never gonna give you 'Up'."
They stole the sticker and left the car.
I handed her the dictionary.
It's just collecting dust
I said, “Usually to avoid answering questions like these.”
They were all in mint condition
It was exactly what I expected.
The results were exactly what I expected.
Last I knew, they were all in mint condition
The results were exactly what I expected.
He’s never gonna give you Up.
She keeps denying it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
The judge asks her, "First offender?” She says, “No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"
He's never gonna give you Up
’ She says, ‘No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!’
but he’s never gonna give you Up.
Everyone denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns...
The judge asks, “First offender?” The wife replies, “No, first a Gibson, then a Fender.”
’ She says, ‘No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!’
’ She says, ‘No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!’
She says it's not true, but I'm sticking to my guns!
’ She says, ‘No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!’
He’s never gonna give you Up
’ She says, ‘No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!’
