I was going to smoke a cigar on International Women’s Day

I had a cigarette instead

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bhackert
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
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Close, but no cigar
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cdawg2112
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2019
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What do you call it when 2 cigars live together?

Cohiba-tation

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flylink63
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2020
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If boys are cigars

Then that means

girls are cigarettes

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drupadvb
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
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How do you light a cigar if you don't have any matches?

Just cut a bit off the end, it will become a little lighter.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
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Close but no cigar
πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cdawg2112
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2018
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When does a fish like a cigar...

When it’s smoked.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LucianoMercuri__
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
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What do you call a female cigar?

Cigarette

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/biphoenix
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2018
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Needed a cigar

Walked into a shop and asked the manager if they had any cigars. The guy said no, but we have cigar holders. Damn; close, but no cigar.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kushala-dankora
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2018
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Cuban Cigars (x-post from r/cubers)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/arturomunhoz
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2015
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While on a vacation last summer, my brother-in-law was telling me that he just got a deal on some really nice empty wooden Cuban cigar boxes as souvenirs for only $4 each - I replied...

"So, it was a good deal, but no cigar"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/obedienthoreau
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2016
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Doctor to patient do you smoke?

Patient: yes.

Doctor: marijuana, cigarettes, cigars, Vapes?

Patient: mostly brisket, and pork.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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I once finished runner-up in a Fidel Castro look-a-like contest.

Close, but no cigar.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TehIrishSoap
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
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I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.

Clothes, but no cigar.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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My wife and I just found out she's pregnant with our first child.

To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.

"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."

"Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."

"Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."

"Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."

"Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/m_bowker-brown
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
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What do people call a person with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZeusAlmighty1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
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One day a guy dies...

...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Diet Coke. We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

Devil: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it.

Devil: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay -- you're already dead.

Guy: Golly!

Devil: I bet you like to gamble, too.

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. You like to do drugs?

Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...?

Devil: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of the Titanic. You can do all the drugs you want, and you'll never die -- you're already dead.

Guy: Neat! I never realized hell was such a happenin' place!

Devil: You gay?

Guy: No.

Devil: Oh, you're gonna hate Fridays

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DylanTheG999
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
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I came second in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition

Close, but no cigar

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
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I asked for some Cubans for my birthday, but got a Che Guevara T-shirt instead.

Clothes, but no cigar.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
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I asked my dad for β€œsomething Cuban” for Christmas and he got me a Che Guevara shirt...

Clothes, but no cigar...

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2017
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Like a demonic possession, this joke took a hold of me this morning and would not let go. I'm sorry.

The CIA had changed its recruiting practices, what with all the recent leaks and other problems. So Mr. Johnson was more than a little surprised to see a pine tree, which was dressed in a rather nice suit, waiting outside his office when he arrived at 9 am. He asked his secretary, "Gladys, who is this?"

"Mr. Johnson, this is Mr. Cone, our newest hire. He wanted to talk with you about the Honduras assignment."

Mr. Johnson spoke to Mr. Cone in his office. His new pine tree colleague was very knowledgeable and well-spoken, but there was something about him that threw Mr. Johnson off. He tried to dismiss his concerns as imaginary, but it gnawed at him all through the morning. He barely touched his lunch, as some of the things Mr. Cone had said were still swirling around and around in his mind. He was sure something was wrong, so he went in to see the head of their office branch, Mr. Smith.

"Johnson! Come right in, come right in," said Mr. Smith, puffing on a cigar. Mr. Johnson poured himself a tumbler of whiskey and sipped at it nervously.

"You're being rather quiet today, Johnson. Tell me, what's troubling you?"

"It's just this new guy, Mr. Cone," Mr. Johnson said carefully, staring at the bottom of his whiskey glass. "Are we sure we know him as well as we think we do?"

Mr. Smith took only a small puff from his cigar before letting his hand rest back on his desk. "Now really, Johnson," he sighed, "you're a good agent. Your caution has served you well in the past, but paranoia doesn't look so good on you. Mr. Cone has the most impressive resumΓ© I've seen come across my desk in the last fifteen years. I've personally had him vetted by the best men in the business. He's going to be an asset to this office."

That was the response Mr. Johnson had been afraid of getting, but he continued to press his cause. "I understand that, sir. It's just that I'm getting the strangest feeling from this Cone fellow. Don't you think he's a little too perfect? A little too well-qualified?"

Mr. Smith stopped smoking his cigar altogether. A distant look came into his eyes as he mulled over the possibilities. "You don't suppose--"

"Yes," said Mr. Johnson, "I think he's a plant."

Note: I'm a mom, not a dad, but I'm pretty sure I only thought of this because my father-in-law tortures me with these kinds of stories almost constantly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Larny-Arny
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2014
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Unintentionally Dadjoked my sister

I was driving my sister home earlier today and there was this guy on the highway driving an off road jeep and smoking a cigar. She went to take a picture.

Her: I almost got it, but he turned too soon

Me: It was close?

Her: yeah, you can't see that he's smoking

Me: so no cigar?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kallisti50253
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2014
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Q: What's the past tense of "break"?

A: Broke

Q: What do people do with cigars and cigarettes?

A: Smoke

Q: What do you call a funny story that's supposed to make someone laugh?

A: Joke

Q: What's the most popular brand of cola in the world?

A: Coke

Q: What do you call the white of an egg?

A: Yolk.

No, it's the albumen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eldormilon
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2013
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The more I thought about it, the funnier it got.

Went outside to the patio where my dad was smoking a cigar.

"Dad, did you get a haircut?" "No. I got all of them cut."

ba da bum .. tiss

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πŸ‘€︎ u/simply_existingg
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2013
🚨︎ report
Doctor to Patient do you smoke?

Patient: yes

Doctor: marijuana, cigarettes, cigars, Vapes?

Patient: mostly brisket, and pork.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
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I went to a smoke shop to discover that it has been replaced by an apparel store.

Clothes, but no cigar.

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
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I went to a smoke shop to discover that it has been replaced by an apparel store.

Clothes, but no cigar.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scooby_dyver
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
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I went to my local tobacconist to discover that it has been replaced by a clothing store...

Clothes, but no cigar.

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
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