Judge: I've decided to give your ex $3,000 in child support.

Me: Thank you, your honor. I'll also try to give her something myself.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I told my wife she could have my child support. She replied

β€œA greed”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ModMakerXbox
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
🚨︎ report
What's it called when plants pay child support?

aloe-veramony

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dagit
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a vegetable that refuses to pay child support?

A deadbeet

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2017
🚨︎ report
Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Believe it.....

My wife and I just had our first child! (Well, she had him and I stood there all supportive like) Gibson is 10 weeks old now and ready for meme glory. https://imgur.com/gallery/NOL14WO

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/great69m
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
The girlfriend got me with this one this morning

Her: "You know what's odd?" Me: "What?" Her: "Numbers not divisible by two!"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hugsandbacon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2016
🚨︎ report
The Book

My Dad was the worst. And by that, I mean the best. He had a Dad Joke for everything.

I accidently left my wallet in my pants and they went through the wash?

"Don't you know it's illegal to launder money?" He would crack.

We would drive by the cemetery and he would always remark.

"That place is so popular, people are dying to get in"

Many groans were had.

I would ask him, "Dad, where do you get all these awful jokes?" and he looked square in the eye and said.

"Son, on the day you were born - your Grandfather - my father gave me a book. '1001 Dad Jokes' and that where I get them from"

And life continued. Any opportunity to crack wise he would take it. Even when I moved out and got my own place it didn't stop. I had my Dad over to help me repaint the walls from cream to white.

"Boy" He whistled. "This wall sure pales in comparison to that one"

My eyes rolled and he just shrugged. "It's the book!"

He couldn't even help himself at my wedding and broke out a Dad Joke during the toast.

"If this is the toast, where are the eggs?"

"Sorry son, it's the book!" He said with a devilish grin.

So months pass and my wife is in labor at the hospital with our first child. I'm sitting in the waiting room with my dad for support. Suddenly, a nurse comes out beaming with glee.

"Congratulations, sir! It's a girl!"

Me and my dad jump up and whoop for joy, hugging. I can't wait to go in and see my wife and child.

"Wait son" My dad says and pulls a little book out of his jacket pocket. "This is for you"

I look at the little book and sure enough, it's "1001 Dad Jokes"

I tear up instantly.

"I...I.." I stammer.."I'm touched.."

My dad gets the world's biggest shit-eating grin on his face.

"Hi touched...." He pauses for effect.

"I'm Dad"

πŸ‘︎ 184
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/extraflux
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2015
🚨︎ report
Got my dad at dinner last night

My dad was talking about a client of his with the last name of Lyon. She is divorced and gets paid a lot monthly for child support. I replied "so she just gets paid for Lyon around?"

I've never heard him groan so loud.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/moonpie_warlock
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2016
🚨︎ report
Classic dad joke.

Today my mom was talking about someone she knows who isn't making enough money to support her autistic child, so she's getting a second job.

Dad chimes in without missing a beat and says "Jesus, how many art supplies does the kid need?!"

πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Robobble
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2014
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.