I looked down at my shirt and said, "but I like my polo".
I had to explain it, but once she got it she thought it was hilarious. I'm very proud of this joke.
Clerk, attempting to add me to their email list: “Do you have a good email?”
Me: “It’s pretty good but I don’t know that I would brag about it. Thank you for asking.”
Clerk, as everyone around begins to laugh: “I love dad jokes. I need to call my dad”
My daughter tried to fain embarrassment but still tells that story at family gatherings.
“Cardamom”
Because people got confused when they ask you to swipe your cardigan.
I am now a counter-terrorism officer.
They always have the cutest cashiers.
I guess you could say she Scandinavian.
I needed to run to Home Depot just a little while ago, and my eight year old son has been driving my wife insane, so he was sent with me. He asked a hundred questions about what tool does what and why I needed this or that. Despite my distracted supervision, he surely mixed up several loose nuts and bolts.
At the exit of the self checkout line, there's a massive gumball machine that holds massive gumballs. I rarely carry change, so he's out of luck.
Sonny Boy: Dad, can I have a quarter?
Me (checking out): Nope. Don't have one.
Sonny Boy: You don't have any cents?
Me: If I had any cents, I'd have left you at home tonight.
No, he didn't get it, and I'm shocked he set it up so well by saying cents. But, the dude in the line next to me let out a solid guffaw. We made the satisfying, knowing eye contact of two dad joke aficionados. I'm glad someone else heard it.
and every time the cashier puts it back!
I am a cashier at Publix and had a guy and his wife come through my line. Upon ringing up his milk I asked "do you want your milk in a bag?"
Dad: "No thanks, I find it easier to take it home in the jug it came in!"
Dad's wife: "Dammit Phil, you say that every time we get milk."
Apparently, even after saying it every time, it still makes him chuckle.
Her> Would you like me to pack?
Me> We've only just met. I didn't know you were leaving already.
Store clerk: Can I get an email address?
Me: Sure! Go to gmail.com and click “register.” You can make up pretty much anything you want.
I set my items on the counter, and the cashier starts ringing them up one after another while I wait patiently. I notice the guy in line behind me a few people still acting a little weird, antsy is how I would describe it.
Anyways, the cashier snaps me out of my thoughts by telling me my total and as I go to reach for my wallet, I see the guy dashing out the door.... as in transfixed on his fleeing image, my hand reaches my pocket and I realize he's stolen my wallet!
I make a mad dash for him, chasing him down in the middle of the parking lot. He reaches his vehicle at the other end and as he hops in, I catch up to him and I'm able to grab his leg. I start pulling his leg and pulling his leg harder and harder trying to get him out.
I keep pulling his leg very similarly to how I've been pulling your leg for the last minute.
Apparently, it's a series of bark codes.
While our groceries are being scanned, the clerk asks, "Have you checked your eggs?"
I responded, "No; I haven't."
The clerk opens the egg carton and my boyfriend says, "Yep! Those are eggs alright!"
It's like a captive audience. Dad laid this one down while shopping for Christmas dinner.
Would you prefer paper or plastic, sir?
Either is fine, I'm bisacksual
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
Guess he made a missed steak.
Dad walks up to the Lowe's cashier attending to the self-checkout machines:
"Excuse me, where's the mirror?"
Cashier goes, "Uh," clearly flummoxed.
Dad, "I just wanted to check myself out."
Checkout person (male or female - no one is spared): do you want help with your packing?
Dad: well yes, if you don't mind. I'm going away on holiday tomorrow!
and the checkout girl asks if I want a bag for them. I say "No thanks, I'll wear them out." She actually smiled. Yes, I'm a dad.
Older gent in front of me pipes up.
"You're certainly light on your feet!"
He looked so pleased with himself.
A dad's in front of me with his teenage daughter buying school supplies. Goes to tap to pay and notices a sign "VISA does not tap."
Dad, loudly: "So, VISA does not tap, eh? VISA will salsa but it refuses to tap!"
Girl, obviously used to this: "Dad!"
Can still hear the dad as they leave, "Do you think VISA would do the merengue?"
Asked to take a photo of the sign and saw a knowing look on the teen clerk's face. I think he knew where this was going...
Machine pumps out 3 brand new one dollar bills
Brother: "Man, those are crisp!"
Me: sniffs bills "...Minty"
A dad and his young daughter behind me in line:
- Daughter: Is it hard to get past security here?
- Dad: No, it's very easy.
- Daughter: How?
- Dad: You pay.
Cashier: "Would you like your drink in a bag or out?"
Dad: "No thanks, we'll drink and drive." (Huge shiteating grin)
But the lady behind the till keeps putting it back
…the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back.
