Clerks Puns

I told him I was planning on keeping it

The clerk replies “It’s a freebie”

Now police are looking for a man with a price on his head.

I told him "baguette"

so I asked if that was a free bee. He replied, "No, that's called a baker's dozen. If you spent less time reading reposts on Reddit, you would know that."

Me, every single time without fail: Sure, but not right now. I’ve got stuff to do today.

I simple told him "It's no Gouda!"

The lab clerk says “I thought you wanted a beakers dozen!”

I said, “Well? 2B or not 2B?”

It was in tenths.

Dad: Then we'll just have the second one !

They saw them through their teller-scopes.

He took a leek in the produce section!

"I am too, but it's ok, I've been fat my whole life"

I guess he went ham on that Swiss.

I told him he could just leave it in the carton.

Because the clerk sold him shampoo.

The guy looked at me in shock and sputtered, "It's just regular porn, you sick perv!"

Worker: "Hard back?"

Me: "Yeah, with little heads."

“More bang for your buck.”

She told me ”Dad, If you want a cat, you should expect a fee line.” I’m so proud!

“I think I’m going to sleep on it.”

Clerk responds, "No problem, sir. This room is called 'The Lobby'"

Don't rob me I can give you a clean getaway

Dad: I haven’t lost anything yet thanks.

It was a hostel work environment.

I was checking out at the dollar with a Sprite, some chocolate Bunnie candies and cream eggs yesterday. As I approach the counter, the dude asks me if I found everything alright.

I pause for a moment, think about it, and say to him.

"So, I see you guys have the Easter candy out. Any idea on when you'll have in the Wester candy?"

The dude thought about it seriously for a second, then he got it. He looks dead at me as I'm sure I had the dumbest smile on my face, groans and starts laughing too.

"Namaste."

"I just can't palate another pallet of palettes."

He loved Filing.

I said "Lettuce see the selection, please"

“where the grapes used to be.”

There was no cents to that.

I told her I was just looking. :)

There is a CVS about a 5 minute walk from my house that I like to get my convenience shopping done at with these auto-checkout kiosks that always lock up. I scanned my drinks and like clockwork the machine started beeping that somebody would be available to assist me shortly; the machine had locked up. A young girl scans her ID to bring it back to functionality and asks if I needed any further assistance.

I pointed to my reflection in the window and said "No thanks, I'm going to finish checking myself out and be on my way" and flexed a bit

It took her a second, but once the guy in the photo department started cracking up she got it. I laughed all the way home.

I put my goods on the counter and he rings them up. He proceeds to tell me that the total is seven eleven ($7.11). I look at him sternly and reply, "no, this is Chevron". He wasn't nearly as amused as I was.

Me: Can I put 10 bucks on 2. Clerk: Stapler or Duct tape Me:huh? Clerk: I personally think the stapler helps keep the bills on the machine better.

(They are both older guys the clerk was talking about his hair going away)
The judge said "Your hair is looking a little wavy... one side is waving goodbye to the other"

So this morning on my way to work I stopped at a Walgreens to grab some snacks and drinks. (For those unknowing, it's a pharmacy/grocery) I recently quit smoking and found the snacking helps on cravings.

Anyhow, the clerk rings me up and says my total: "$7.11." Without even thinking it I blurt out "It's not a seven-eleven. It's a Walgreens."

Suddenly terrified that I am apparently a dad, I grabbed my stuff and left, the haunting echoes of laughter behind me.

#1 deli clerk asked #2 deli clerk if the gelato my wife was eating was on the receipt, I looked at her and said " I don't think it was a gelato, it was just a gelittle"

He gives them a crazy-eyed look and says, "No, I'm beyond help."

I went into AutoZone today and told them I needed a new running light. The clerk asked me: "How fast would you like it to run?"

I was buying cake and candles for my wife's 29th birthday yesterday. The clerk scanned the cake and the "2" and "9" candles and said, "Oh, someone's having a birthday, huh?"

"Yup, it's my wife's birthday today," I replied. "It's amazing, really. She's already 92, yet she doesn't look a day over 90."

I told her "no, in the carton is fine".