Budweiser harvest(?)
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
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What can you attach to a ball, a harp, or a cart to make something completely different?

β€œoon”.

πŸ‘︎ 189
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MGreenMN
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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I was playing Mario Cart today, looked at Toad and thought...

Ya know what, he looks like a really fun guy.

fun guy
fungi

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/peepeeperson111
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
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A true story: My boyfriend and I were in the dairy aisle of the grocery store. He tosses a pack of sliced cheese into the cart it ricochets and falls to the floor. β€œKobe!” I shout. β€œNo.” He says in a disappointed tone...

...Colby

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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I was checking out at the grocery store today and the bagger was holding my stuff over the shopping cart and asked: β€œsir, would you like to go out with the cart?”. To which I replied β€œoh, no thanks I’m actually married”. My poor son looked mortified. Dad joke status ACHIEVED.
πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaFunkJunkie
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
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What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog cart vendor?

The monk said "make me one with everything."

Monk handed him a $20 bill. Vendor handed him his hot dog.

The monk asked for his change.

The vendor replied "change must come from within."

πŸ‘︎ 113
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tallmon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
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A child picks up a piece of chocolate and puts it in the shopping cart. The mother takes the chocolate, as it is unhealthy, and puts it down next to the eggs.

For its unhealthy being, it was in eggs-aisle.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HunainT
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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I saw a man pushing around a cart of saltpeter, he immediately stopped when he saw someone doing something nefarious.

Or you could say the peter parker, spied a man.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Accendil
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
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A Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German went downtown to see a juggling act...

The performer saw the men arrive and that the crowd was large so he stood on his cart and yelled "can you see me now!?" to which the men replied Oui! Si! Ja!

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πŸ“…︎ May 11 2021
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Where does the best average golfer put his golf cart?

The par-king space.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can Kylo Ren be seen driving Gold Carts around Hoover Dam

Because he’s Adam Driver

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyDogYawns
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Walmart caught me stealing a shopping cart full of merchandise.

They told me to rollback the savings.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
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An old guy and a young guy were pushing their carts at Home Depot when they collided. The old guy says to the young guy, β€œSorry about that. I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.”

The young guy says, β€œThat’s okay. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a bit anxious.”

The old guy says, β€œWell maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, β€œShe is 28 years-old, tall, with brown hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs and she’s wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?”

The old guy says, β€œDoesn't matter, let’s look for yours.”

πŸ‘︎ 115
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
🚨︎ report
I knocked over an Israeli food cart...

and now I falafel

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cakesinyoface
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2018
🚨︎ report
I feel sorry for shopping carts!

They're always getting pushed around!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/B-man44
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
🚨︎ report
A guy offered me a empty shopping cart and said β€œleft some gas in it for you.”
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/guccitrapqueen
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I don't mind foreign dishes, for example we ate some halal food last week

I think they called it Allah carte

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ledgerdemaine
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My first official dad joke!!!

So my 1st Born came into this world on Monday night and we were discharged on Thursday. Upon leaving our room, we were given a metal cart to place our belongings on including our son (in his car seat). As we made our way to the garage, I noticed that when the cart was rolling his car seat would rock a bit. I took this opportunity to exclaim β€œhey (son’s name) you’re really rockin’ β€˜n’ rollin’ now.” My wife then truly realized what is in store for her.

πŸ‘︎ 535
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πŸ‘€︎ u/do_it-to_it
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Now stop horsing around.
πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elarandra
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2019
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I’m walking into a grocery store, and I see a random dad leaving as I enter. He hands me his empty cart and says to me,

β€œLeft some gas in it for you”

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MildBanana
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Dog Turd Shopping Spree

Kids were out in the yard cleaning up their dogs landmines with a scooper and putting it in a wheelbarrow.

Middle daughter (Pushing wheelbarrow) : Mom, it's like a cart for poops.

Wife : It's a shopping cart for doggie poops.

Me (Looks wife like shes lost her mind) : Jesus woman, HOW MUCH SHIT DID YOU BUY ?

Right over the kids' heads.

E* Spelling.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MentalMaybe
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Princess Amidala just carted away my land speeder!

It was a Natalie Portman-tow

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tehrealmccoy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2018
🚨︎ report
I truly kneaded this today.
πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Liar_of_partinel
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Earlier today my coworker pointed out a lady with two shopping carts

She would push the first one about 50 feet, then return to get the second, and push it to the first.

"She is just getting her cartio" I replied

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/7upnpoprocks
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2018
🚨︎ report
They really put the cart before the horse...

... when they made the dictionary

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lactose_Tolerance
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2017
🚨︎ report
What was the name of the wooden cart that couldn't have a baby?

Miss Carriage.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Durien9
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2014
🚨︎ report
'Fried Egg, I'm In Love' - best pun name for a food cart? friedegglove.com
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jetglo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2013
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The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?' he said...

'No, just up to your neck'

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fullmiz
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2018
🚨︎ report
I am opening a soap box derby themed restaurant

Everything in the menu is *a la carte

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jvanzandd
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
See my wife left me for a pusher

Yeah, he pushes the carts back into the grocery store! I get no respect!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
American people are greedy at the grocery store...

well, I finally lost it... I was just in a store and saw a man whose cart was FULL to the brim with hand sanitizers, toilet paper, soaps... You know everything that people desperately need right now!!! I called him a greedy bastard, and told him he should be freaking ashamed of himself! He said " are you done? Cuz I really need to get back to stocking the shells now"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2020
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The Costco employee said "I'm sorry Sir, we're rationing.

[Looking over cart full of TP]

Me: "Nice to meet you Rationing, I'm Hoarding"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/robinson217
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad's been busy

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

  1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

  2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

  3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

  4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

  5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

  6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

  7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

  8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

  9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

  10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

  11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

  12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

  13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

  14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

  1. Took a bo
... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Just made up my 1st dad joke, that I can think of after being a father for 3 and a half years.

I'm pushing my shopping cart to the cart corral after this loading my car with groceries. This lady is walking to the store and asks "Is that a good one" I says "yeah, I just had her tuned up" and then " it runs pretty smooth". All I got was a smile from her but I couldn't stop laughing on the inside myself.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rnembrane
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I got both of my sons at the grocery store recently

While choosing a frozen vegetable to eat with dinner I handed my oldest a bag of peas to place in the cart. He looked at them reluctantly. I asked if they wanted to pick something different. After neither boy answered me I said, "speak now or forever hold your peas."

Both sons AND a nearby stranger gave eye rolls!

EDIT: I've never been to the front page before. Thanks for all the love fellow dad jokers!

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pigman2728
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2015
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Wanted to measure my height with a tape measure but couldn't do it alone. "Dad, can I borrow you for a minute?"

"Sure, as long as you give me back"

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinie_Snipah
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2014
🚨︎ report
Witnessed a dad joke in the wild today

Just witnessed the greatest dad joke of all time. This woman was about to leave the grocery store with a full cart. All of a sudden this older man runs over and says β€œlet me open the door for you”. He walks in front of the automatic door, waves his hand to open it and proudly walks away as it opens automatically. He is my role model in life.

πŸ‘︎ 172
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mlerzo1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2018
🚨︎ report
Rick tells Carl a joke
πŸ‘︎ 344
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JacsonP
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2013
🚨︎ report
Question about broccoli in divorce

If you got divorced because of a broccoli argument (long story) and a month after the divorce you notice your ex in the supermarket, and she has a produce bag full of broccoli crowns in her shopping cart, and you sneak up while she's not looking and swap the bag of crowns for a bag of stalks, can you be charged with stalking?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aiaor
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the shopping cart quit its job?

It was tired of getting pushed around.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/--Ribbit--
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2018
🚨︎ report
If Apple made a car...

...would it have windows?

My daughter saw this joke on YouTube and I thought y’all would appreciate it.

πŸ‘︎ 101
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SheriffPanic
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report

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