Benedict Cumberbatch got tired of all the jokes on his name and changed it to Benedict Batch

He is now unencumbered.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vote4Hitler
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
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Anybody heard about that bad batch of breakfast cereal?

It was a Total Recall.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jakiray6
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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I was brewing my first batch of beer with a friend and he told me to add the seed cones that are used primarily as a bittering, flavoring, and stability agents.

I hopped to it!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
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My Indian friend was making flatbread kebabs in an iron skillet and ruined a whole batch

Should have used the naan-stick pan instead

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JCokeDaKilla
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
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As I was preparing breakfast for my sons, they both said they wanted pancakes. As the first batch was almost finished, they began to argue over who would get the first pancake…

I said, β€œIf Jesus were sitting here, he would say, β€˜Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.’”

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, β€œRyan, you be Jesus!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
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You guys hear about the latest batch of Jim Beam? I've been told it's pretty lit.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cbt711
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
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Did you know the first batch of French fries weren’t cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece πŸ₯

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JamesDanko98
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
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The baker cut too many corners and ruined the whole batch

He went to a lot of kneadless trouble

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Possum
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2017
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Cucumber Batch
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πŸ‘€︎ u/355over113
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2016
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Complaing to my wife about the quality of our current batch of oolong tea:

She responds with "oh, I know why it's not as good! We bought oo-short tea!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crepusculi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2016
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Batman: β€œAlfred, please fill up the bathtub”

Alfred: β€œSir? What’s a htub ”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MasterPrize
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
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Curious

A guy sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

The owner replies, "'Cause he's fucking liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spazpekker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.

"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"

The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.

"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs.

Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help.

A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!"

The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup.

Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl.

He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey...I'm...Tom."

She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mind me asking..." she laughs, looking over his shoulder, "what was that all about?"

He glances back at the bar. "Yeah...sorry," he pants. "I wanted...to impress you, but...it turned out to be...a pretty cheesy...pig-cup line."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
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A chef found that the second, third, fifth, seventh, 11th, etc. batches of broth he made would turn into simple organic molecules

Turns out it was prime ordinal soup!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Orlen86
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2018
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Ovaries batches A through D were cooked scrambled...

But the next one was ovaries E

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_ze_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2016
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My dad just got me good.

My husband has been making a lot of pizza lately. He ferments the dough and I have been naming each batch with a pun. The current batch is Yeast Lightning. I texted my dad and asked him to help me think of some new names. He texted back "Just rise to the occasion."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/warmfuzzy22
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
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Bus Driver

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'. 'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?' The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
🚨︎ report
There's a Crayola colour called Benedict Cumberblue

They should make a batch of those.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pumpkimstew
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
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Santa accidentally cut himself while chopping up potatoes.

He was making a batch of chips.

Cringle cut.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alliedcola
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
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World famous coleslaw

My daughter told me this joke, which I assume she made up on the spot: β€œThere’s this grandma who has a world famous coleslaw recipe. At her family reunion she makes a huge batch. But her grandson, who hates coleslaw, refuses to have any. The grandma gets angry so her grandson gives in, and she heaps a large amount onto his plate. He stares at it sadly and says β€œI fought the slaw and the slaw won.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/moffitar
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
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Dr. Strange once served me a dish of eggs on several English muffins with a side of cucumber.

He called it a Benedict 'Cumber Batch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lykanthrocide
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
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What do you call the male offspring of a number of baked goods?

Sons of batches

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joshandthewolf
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2018
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Benedict Cumberbatch should name his child "Queue"

Cucumber Batch.

πŸ‘︎ 149
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iDontDoThisMuch
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2015
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Ex-wife died eating home-made jam.

I'd say she got what she preserved.

πŸ‘︎ 98
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πŸ‘€︎ u/codenamegary
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2014
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Meatballs

Made a large batch of meatballs a couple of weeks ago and put the extras in the freezer. Last night was spaghetti night, so I pulled out a bag. Opened up the bag and held one up. Then said to my wife, in my best Italian accent...

"Now that's an icy meat-ah-ball."

She was not nearly as amused as I.

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bydawee
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2014
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The 10 year old boy I nanny got me with a great dad joke today

I just got a batch of letters from the kids I student taught and was in the middle of writing them back.

Me: I only have 8 more letters to write and then I'm done!

Boy: That won't take long! You just have to write ABCDEFGH and be done!

I've taught him well.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2017
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I visited a sheep farm yesterday and got to watch the collies working-

As the collies brought in a small batch, the farmer turned to me and said "All ten of em, safe and sound, good dogs!"
They sheep were standing in two groups, 4 + 4, and I was like
"But there's only eight of them..."
"Yeah but they got rounded up."

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2016
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Making buffalo chicken wings at work.

Me and a coworker were making a batch of buffalo chicken wings at work. He noticed that one of the wings still had a feather on it and pulled it off. I said, "I'm glad you noticed that, otherwise that bite would have been fowl." Cue eyeroll.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Talrax
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2016
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Got dad on Father's Day

My Dad and I were making a batch of herb roasted nuts for my grandfather which requires meticulously picking apart fresh thyme and rosemary for chopping.

My Dad: the best part is our hands will smell great for the rest of the day!

Me: yeah, we've got too much thyme on our hands!

Dad: Hey! That's my job!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TunaBoots
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2016
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Pirates are in the playoffs!

Got some awesome home-made pesto from my parents. They'd been at it for a few hours before I got there from work, just in time help pluck the last batch of basil and get some to eat. Tell my sister she should charge my mom $1 an hour for her help in making the pesto.

Dad pipes in with "Good thing it wasn't corn, or you'd owe her a buck-an-ear".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dr_Acula_PhD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2013
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Dadjoked my dad when making waffles

So we were running out of waffle batter and so we got a very thin waffles on the last batch this morning, almost like this.

Dad: You want this last waffle? We didn't quite enough batter.

Me: Nah you can take it. But that's not a waffle. That's an affle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ollien
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2014
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Where was the first batch of french fries cooked?

In Greece.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oseriki9
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2019
🚨︎ report

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