How often do pirate attacks occur?
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︎ Feb 02 2021
I was attacked by a group of mimes
They did unspeakable things!
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︎ Feb 01 2021
Doctor said Iβm at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
π︎ 68
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︎ Jan 15 2021
I said to my dad "the bread is attacking me"
And my dad said "assult with a breadly weapon!"
π︎ 16
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︎ Feb 05 2021
My roomba went out my front door and a pack of bears attacked it, an eagle carried it away to the ocean, and a shark finished it off.
π︎ 41
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︎ Jan 25 2021
My Roomba accidentally went out the front door, and the neighborhood animals immediately started attacking it.
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︎ Feb 03 2021
I accidentally played 'dad' instead of 'dead' when the bear attacked..
Now, it can ride a bike without stabilisers.
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︎ Nov 25 2020
Have you heard about Ozzy Osbourneβs new concept album about Donald Trumpβs attack of gastric flu?
Itβs called Diarrhoea of a Madman
I dun made dat un up mah-self
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︎ Jan 23 2021
What's the most common form of Owl on Owl attack?
π︎ 5
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︎ Jan 06 2021
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called SWAT team.
π︎ 9k
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︎ Aug 02 2020
My friend attacked someone using sodium chloride.
He was charged with a salt.
π︎ 8
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︎ Jan 01 2021
My Grandfather survived Pepper spray and Mustard gas attacks in two wars...
... And came home to us a seasoned Veteran.
Edit : To use a war pun.. " Wow, this really blew up " ...Thanks to all for contributing to this bit of fun. I feel like Granddad now with all the medals.
π︎ 19k
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︎ Jun 29 2020
I would like to see a heart attack
π︎ 38
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︎ Nov 27 2020
The other day I was attacked by a bunch of children...
but it's okay since I only took minor damage.
π︎ 15
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︎ Dec 22 2020
A man attacked an employee at a Starbucks
The crime was considered a coffee mug.
π︎ 24
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︎ Nov 21 2020
My brother went to jail. He didn't take it well. Started insulting and attacking everyone and threw his own feces on the walls.
I don't think we'll play Monopoly with him again.
π︎ 806
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︎ Sep 08 2020
There's a giant fly attacking the police station
Don't worry, I've called in the SWAT team
π︎ 44
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︎ Nov 17 2020
My dad attacked me with the vacuum yesterday
He was running around the house yelling "Dyson!"
π︎ 16
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︎ Nov 26 2020
To avoid bear attacks, carry little bells and pepper spray.
Itβs also helpful to know the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung. Black bear dung has plants and fruit material in it. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper spray.
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︎ Dec 10 2020
A man was just attacked by someone holding a compass
He didn't know where to turn, before things went south.
π︎ 46
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︎ Nov 05 2020
THE XBOX IS BEING ATTACKED!
THE XBOX IS BEING ATTACKED! Here Comes The Ambulance Wii U Wii U Wii U
π︎ 11
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︎ Nov 21 2020
My evil clone is trying to attack me.
But I probably shouldnβt beat myself up over it.
π︎ 19
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︎ Nov 26 2020
I don't think the author even realized what they did! Context: the article is about killer whales attacking boats.
π︎ 11
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︎ Oct 12 2020
A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him is that a Fret!
π︎ 10
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︎ Oct 13 2020
I was attacked by 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me.
π︎ 7k
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︎ Apr 12 2020
Dad has a heart attack
Dad:has a heart attack
Dad:Call me an ambulance...
Son: uhhh... You're an ambulance....
Dad:....
Dad: That's my boy...dead
π︎ 158
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︎ Aug 18 2020
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keeps attacking him.
I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
π︎ 7k
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︎ Apr 15 2020
The police were under heavy attack of the flies
They had to call the SWAT team!
π︎ 4
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︎ Nov 02 2020
The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
Edit: Wow! My first Silver and my first Gold! I am honored. What an amazing community. It's a great place to visit after a challenging day.
π︎ 14k
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︎ Dec 07 2019
Attacked by Wendy again.
π︎ 30
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︎ Jul 09 2020
I was told I can't use eBay anymore.
I don't know why exactly, they just said it was for biddin'
π︎ 9
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︎ Jan 08 2021
A local man was arrested for attacking his neighbor with a taser that didn't work.
He was charged with assault without battery.
π︎ 10
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︎ Sep 07 2020
Played a game with friends...was not disappointed!
π︎ 8
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︎ Jan 12 2021
Some Campy Humor
Three men go camping in the wilderness; a German, an Italian and a Czechoslovakian. While asleep, their campsite is attacked by a couple of bears and all 3 men are presumed killed. Forest Rangers get deployed to find the missing campers. After inspecting the campsite, the Rangers discover the bear tracks and follow them to the den. Inside are the 2 bears, a male and a female, which the Rangers quickly kill. First, they opened the stomach of the female and inside were the remains of the German and Italian men.
"Looks like our work here is done," the lead Ranger says to his partner.
"But we only found 2 bodies!" The partner cries back.
The Ranger removes his sunglasses and looks vacantly into the distance before finally telling his partner:
"Clearly the Czech is in the male."
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︎ Jan 23 2021
I was attacked by a flock of sheep and was sent to the hospital...
Luckily, I was only grazed.
π︎ 5
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︎ Sep 08 2020
Double attack?
π︎ 54
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︎ Jun 26 2020
Our neighbor was attacked by mimes yesterday
They did unspeakable things
π︎ 24
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︎ Feb 02 2021
I accidentally played 'Dad' instead of 'Dead', when the bear attacked.
Now it can ride a bike without stabilisers.
π︎ 7
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︎ Jan 13 2021
I was attacked by a mime
He did unspeakable things to me.
π︎ 64
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︎ Nov 14 2020
My dad attacked me with a vacuum cleaner today, yelling.....
π︎ 11
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︎ Nov 13 2020
My Roomba accidentally went outside our front door, and the neighbourhood animals immediately started attacking it.
π︎ 28
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︎ Nov 06 2020
Some guy just said he was going to attack me with the neck of a guitar.
I said, βIs that a fret?β
π︎ 44
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︎ Sep 19 2020
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..
Guess that's what I get for having a pure bread dog.
π︎ 104
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︎ Jul 10 2020
The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked
now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
π︎ 41
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︎ Aug 07 2020
I cant take My dog to the pond anymore cuz the geese keep attacking him.
I guess thats whats I deserve for having a Pure bread dog
π︎ 2k
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︎ Feb 15 2020
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