Once a man assaulted me with milk, cheese and butter
If a baker assaults somebody with a baguette...
...can he be charged with assault with a breadly weapon?
I was assaulted with a bag of soil
But I can't go to the cops cause they got dirt on me.
I was assaulted with a can of soda
I'm lucky it was just a soft drink
Why did the judge set the bail so low for the ostrich charged with assault?
I was jogging and got sprayed by a salting truck
I called the police station and said I was assaulted.
Your honor is it illegal to throw sodium chloride in someone's eyes?
Judge: it's assault
I know it's a salt, is it a crime though?
Don't do it
What happened when Pepper made Salt angry?
- Pepper was charged with aggravated assault. XD
Did you hear about the solider that got hit with mustard gas and pepper spray?
He’s now a seasoned veteran
What do you call it when you hit a rude teenager with a pack of cracker?
Assaulting a salty teen with saltines
My dad just told me this one- hope you guys liked it 💖
Be careful: if you keep making these terrible puns...
...you could get be charged with 'assault with a dad-ly weapon'.
An iPhone assaulted and robbed an Android for nurishment.
It was charged with battery.
I was once assaulted by a group of mimes.
I never heard them coming
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried
Today a man tried to assault me with a knife
Damn, that was a sharp moment.
I named my nunchucks "bad joke"
That way if I ever have to use them, it would be considered assault with a dadly weapun
At the casino a woman accused me of assault
And I say "But I'm the blackjack dealer, it's my job to hit people."
I tried to date a rabbi but when people found out I got physically assaulted.
Be careful what Jewish for, you just might get hit
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
4 prisoners are telling each other what they were convicted for
The First man says: I committed 2nd degree murder
The Second says: I committed: 1st degree assault
The Third says: I committed 1st degree possession of drugs
The Fourth man simply says: Arson
The Second man asks him: What degree was it?
The Fourth man responds: I'm not sure, it was pretty hot though. About 525 Celsius-ish
A man asks a police officer if it’s a crime to throw sodium chloride in someone’s eyes
Officer: “Yes, that’s assault!”
Man: “I know it’s a salt, but is it a crime?”
Most people know some peanuts are assaulted, but do you know which vegetable did it?
What did Thumper get charged with when he stole a slurp of Bambi's ice-cream cone?
What do you call someone who regularly assaults people?
If you attack someone with a jalapeño... is it assault
Did you hear that the Air Force just bought a bunch of copies of The Little Mermaid on DVD?
They must be preparing for an Ariel assault.
Why did seven assault nine?
Apparently there was an almond charged with aggravated assault.
I get the police do a lot of good, but I don’t know how I feel about them busting a nut in public.
Lawyer - Is it crime to throw salt in someone's eyes?
Judge - Yes, that's assault!
Lawyer - I know it's a salt but is it a crime?
My grandad was assaulted in the war with pepper spray and mustard gas.
I threw a fuzzy peach at his head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar"
My coworkers and I enjoy creating visual puns
What’s the opposite of assault?
How does a cop season their food?
With assault and pepper spray!
What happened to the phone that assaulted a human?
It got "charged" with "battery".
On my way to work today, a man assaulted me by throwing a block of cheese and a bar of butter at me.
A local man was arrested for attacking his neighbor with a taser that didn't work.
He was charged with assault without battery.
What’s it called when you get assaulted on pavement?
A man assaulted me with milk, cream and butter !
Once a man assaulted me with milk, butter, and cheese.
Is it a crime to throw NaCl on someone's eyes?
It's assault
I know it's a salt but is it a crime?
It’s actually a crime to throw sodium chloride at someone.
Once upon a time a man assaulted me with milk, butter, and cheese.
Me: Is it a crime to throw sodium chloride in your enemy's eyes?
Person: Yes, that's assault.
Me: Yes I know it's a salt, but is it a crime?
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream, and butter.
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