My son kept chewing on all the electrical chords we had set up for the holidays, so I grounded him...
He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly...
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︎ Jan 15 2021
Mom told son to clean his room. But instead, he set it on fire...
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︎ Dec 24 2020
The lift is from a company named Schindler...so itโs Schindlerโs Lift...is this set up as pun on the classic film Schindlerโs List? My head is spinning
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︎ Oct 11 2020
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis (edited, thanks kind friends for the correction!)
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︎ Jun 22 2020
A sage once set himself on fire to cleanse the monastery of evil smells. [OC]
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︎ Aug 23 2020
Google is set to come out with a new browser that manages search results based solely on your DNA
Set to be called the Google Chromosome.
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︎ Oct 13 2020
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︎ Aug 11 2020
A friend set me up on a blind date. He said "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby"
I felt like a right idiot sitting in a bar wearing nothing but a diaper.
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︎ Aug 13 2020
My friend's bakery got set on fire the other day
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︎ Jun 09 2020
I love to set things on fire. So does my wife. So does our kid.
The first time he set a building on fire, I turned to my wife and said, "yep, that's arson."
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︎ Dec 14 2019
TIL that during the making of Monty Python's Holy Grail, a crazed gunman got on set.
John Cleese and Graham Chapman were terrified for their lives, but it turned out the guy was just making Idle threats
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︎ Jul 13 2020
I just set an elevator on fire
It just went up in flames
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︎ Apr 03 2020
A police officer says to a couple: "I'm sorry to tell you this, but your son set the school on fire".
They ask "Was it arson?", and the officer answers "Yes, your son".
Edit: holy shrimp! I got silver! Thanks for the reception!
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︎ Feb 02 2019
My wife is teaching my little ones (3/1) about bugs so they wrote โAntโ in honey on a piece of paper to attract them and set it out on the deck. She was sad When we went out to check later that day, only one was there.
You should have pluralized it and more would have shown up!
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︎ Jun 27 2020
I want to drink my coffee, smoke my cigarette, browse reddit on my phone all at the same time but I only have 2 hands. I wish I had another set of hands for this.
I think that would be pretty handy.
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︎ Feb 13 2020
A king sat on his throne in his beautiful kingdom. Before him were three glasses set on a table. The first two are filled with water, but the third one is empty. What is the name of the king?
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︎ Jan 10 2020
What do you call a pirate that sets a house on fire
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︎ Mar 02 2020
So if I set up touch ID on my phone for the same finger on both hands
Does it make it ambitextrous?
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︎ Jan 20 2020
Back in the 90s, i spent time on the set of Baywatch messing with a character named Mitch Buchannon. I got pulled off the set and arrested the same night.
Turns out it's illegal to Hasslehoff.
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︎ Dec 20 2019
I set my jacket on fire
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︎ Sep 06 2019
My buddy set me up on a blind date
He told me, "Heads up, she's expecting a baby". Well let me tell you, I felt stupid sitting there in the bar wearing just a diaper.
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︎ Sep 02 2019
My friend used to have a job of working on the set of a 1990 horror miniseries...
He was an IT professional.
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︎ Nov 24 2019
What do you call it when boss man on a movie-set farts loud and long?
Extended release, director's cut.
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︎ Aug 13 2019
Did you hear about the movie star who broke his wrist whilst on set?
Don't worry, he's still in the cast
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︎ Jul 24 2019
I went out on a hike with my friend and right when we set up we saw the heaviest downpour we had ever seen.
It was intense, just like how we were camping.
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︎ Jul 07 2018
I am a do it yourselfer. I WAS working on a homemade sunscreen project but set it aside...
I put it on the back burner.
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︎ Jul 13 2019
In really cold weather climates, it's always a good idea to have an extra set of gloves on hand
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︎ May 28 2019
My wife gave me the perfect set-up on early AM flight.
We were both pretty tired since we woke up at 3AM. When we get to our seats, I pulled out my e-reader. My wife looks at me and says "How can you read?"
"Well, I guess I would have to thank my parents for teaching me when I was a kid..."
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︎ Jul 06 2015
I threw a huge party and accidentally set the roof on fire.
So I hid in the basement and waited until the cops and firefighters came and told them that we had a blast.
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︎ Apr 07 2019
I put the dumbbells on the rack after finishing a set of squats.
It was a big weight off my shoulders.
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︎ Apr 12 2019
Most people set their morning alarms on the hour (ie. 6am, 7am, 8am), but mine goes off half-clocked
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︎ Aug 13 2018
I watched a video of Bradley Cooper forgetting his lines on set
I guess you could call him Bradley Blooper
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︎ Feb 11 2019
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Edit: I do now realize I misspelled Gandhi. I cannot edit the title, just know that I see it and am sorry.
๐︎ 12k
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︎ Jul 08 2019
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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︎ Apr 17 2020
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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︎ Mar 23 2020
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him. A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
๐︎ 2
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︎ Aug 16 2020
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Edit: Wow! Didn't expect this big reaction!
Thanks for the silver!
Edit 2: And gold!? Thanks again! :)
๐︎ 10k
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︎ Feb 06 2019
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Edit: I do now realize I misspelled Gandhi. I cannot edit the title, just know that I see it and am sorry.
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︎ Jan 07 2020
My mate set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."
I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a nappy...
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︎ Sep 08 2018
Principal: Sorry to call you in, but your son set the school on fire.
Parents: Arson?
Principal: Yes, your son.
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︎ Mar 02 2019
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a...
Super calloused fragile mystic with extra halitosis.
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︎ Feb 17 2018
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