I love almond milk.

It’s unlike any udder milk.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
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Almond milk
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yamaismymama445
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
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Have you ever seen how they milk an almond?

It’s nuts

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Souplorde
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
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Crying over spilt almond milk

Dad: Don’t cry over spilt almond milk son Son: Why? (Sobbing) Dad: Because that’s just nuts!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hellopowrichard
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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It was annoying when our local shop stopped stocking my favourite almond milk. It was even more frustrating when the tofu was removed as well.

If it carries on like this, I’m really going to start losing my Tempeh

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hairyfacedhooman
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2018
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Almond milk

So my girlfriend and I are visiting her parents this weekend.

At breakfast her dad asks if we'd like almond milk with our coffee and we say yes.

He comes back and plops a gallon of 2% in front of us with this huge grin on his face, makes the sign of the cross in the air and goes "ah-mend"

There is so much this man can teach me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/freeflyrooster
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
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I bet they called it almond milk because

nobody can say "nut juice" with a straight face

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dufosho
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2018
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My wife told me her new diet meant she could only eat foods made from almonds. Almond meal, almond milk, almond... everything.

When I heard this, I said, "but that's just nuts".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
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The latest Hollywood health craze is to regularly drink a mixture of almond milk and milk of magnesia.

It's called a Blue Diamond Phillips.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GRWeston
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2017
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Pro tip: If you are looking for a cheap way to work out at home, consider using milk jugs as weights.

But be sure to use almond or soy milk, I’ve heard they’re the healthier alternatives.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jimothy05
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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A Literal Dad Joke

So me and my dad were eating waffles and he pointed at a box of his almond crackers and said "with these crackers and the almond milk in my coffee I am turning into a nut". After humoring him with a small laugh, I said time to put this on r/dadjokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shadowbird375
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
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more dad jokes

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"

5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"

What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.

What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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My boss asked me to skim through a document

So today at work, my boss asked us to skim through a document regarding a new/old procedure. When she finished I ask if I could almond milk it since I don't drink dairy.

They actually laughed.

I don't know if I should feel proud or embarrassed for them that they thought it was actually funny.

Maybe a bit of a and b.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Prockles
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2017
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Different types of milk.

Me: "Wow, now there's cashew milk and there's almond milk." Dad: "That's nuts."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/facadesintheday
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2015
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My father at dinner.

"Is there milk in that casserole?"

"Only almond milk."

"Wow, how do they milk the almonds?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tinydinosaurs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2013
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There were groans all around.

At a father's day breakfast with my father in law and family.

Father in law : "Have you guys tried almond milk? It's so delicious but I've always wondered how they milk those little almonds."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gscskater4
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2014
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Why do the call it almond milk?

Nobody can say "nut juice" with a straight face

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πŸ‘€︎ u/karly_fries
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2017
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