I bought a package of trail mix and it only had cashews, almonds, and pistachios.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
Why did the almond close the blinds?
Because her neighbour was always pecan.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 01 2020
I thought about going on an all almond diet
But that would be just nuts
π︎ 6
π
︎ Aug 21 2020
Mashed up dates, chocolate chips, peanut butter, granola, almonds....delicious homemade granola bars
π︎ 50
π
︎ Jun 12 2020
My uncle drink dialed me the other night and told me he was going on an exclusively almond diet.
I said, "That's just nuts."
π︎ 10
π
︎ Aug 06 2020
I love almond milk.
Itβs unlike any udder milk.
π︎ 9
π
︎ May 11 2020
Semi drivers who haul almonds
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 05 2020
If almonds are $1, peanuts $.50, and pistachios $1.50, how much are deer nuts?
π︎ 19
π
︎ Feb 15 2020
Why did the almonds cross the busy road?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 21 2019
Almond milk
π︎ 18
π
︎ Jun 02 2019
Apparently there was an almond charged with aggravated assault.
I get the police do a lot of good, but I donβt know how I feel about them busting a nut in public.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Aug 24 2019
Have you ever seen how they milk an almond?
π︎ 47
π
︎ Jan 29 2019
Crying over spilt almond milk
Dad: Donβt cry over spilt almond milk son
Son: Why? (Sobbing)
Dad: Because thatβs just nuts!
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 30 2019
It was annoying when our local shop stopped stocking my favourite almond milk. It was even more frustrating when the tofu was removed as well.
If it carries on like this, Iβm really going to start losing my Tempeh
π︎ 29
π
︎ Oct 27 2018
Did you hear about the visual artist who works with almonds?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 15 2018
Almond milk
So my girlfriend and I are visiting her parents this weekend.
At breakfast her dad asks if we'd like almond milk with our coffee and we say yes.
He comes back and plops a gallon of 2% in front of us with this huge grin on his face, makes the sign of the cross in the air and goes "ah-mend"
There is so much this man can teach me.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Mar 02 2019
I bet they called it almond milk because
nobody can say "nut juice" with a straight face
π︎ 55
π
︎ Apr 21 2018
My wife told me her new diet meant she could only eat foods made from almonds. Almond meal, almond milk, almond... everything.
When I heard this, I said, "but that's just nuts".
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 04 2019
What happens when you eat a lot of almonds?
You will run out of almonds
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 07 2019
When I asked my dad if he thought it was a good idea to switch my diet to one consisting mainly of almonds, cashews and macadamias...
He just shrugged and said, itβs ok, go nuts
π︎ 14
π
︎ Oct 29 2018
I remember my first girlfriend. She was an almond delivery girl. Sadly, it didn't work out.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 11 2019
My favorite brand of almonds is offering a free tank of gasoline with every purchase
Blue Diamond Fill-Ups have been a big hit
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 22 2019
A friend of mine confessed that he is sexually attracted to almond trees.
I said, βAre you f*cking nuts?β
π︎ 84
π
︎ Jan 14 2018
An almond doesnβt lactate: The FDA hasnβt been enforcing its own policy or putting the squeeze on product makersβand that itβs time to get abreast of the labeling language.
arstechnica.com/tech-poliβ¦
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jul 18 2018
For Halloween, we dressed up as almonds. Everyone thought we were nuts.
π︎ 22
π
︎ Oct 31 2017
A pile of almonds is an almound...
until it's all of them, then it's the Allmond.
π︎ 2
π
︎ May 03 2018
I returned the ground almonds I bought.
They tasted nothing like dirt.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 27 2018
My Dad wants him and I to start an Allman Brothers tribute band called the Almond Brothers.
"We'll be like the Allman Brothers, but we're nuts!"
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 28 2018
Did you hear the conspiracy about almonds secretly controlling the world?
They're called the illuminutty.
π︎ 14
π
︎ May 04 2013
Making a salad with toasted almonds
Mom: "We'd better toast the almonds now."
Dad: *raises imaginary glass* "Here's to the almonds!"
π︎ 57
π
︎ Dec 20 2015
Have you ever thought about substituting almonds for deernuts?
They are much cheaper. Always under a buck.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Aug 29 2017
The latest Hollywood health craze is to regularly drink a mixture of almond milk and milk of magnesia.
It's called a Blue Diamond Phillips.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Apr 30 2017
What did Yankee Doodle have to say about the Italian almond cake he tried?
He called it "macaroon-y"
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 30 2017
I thought about going on an all-almond diet
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 15 2020
I was about to go on an all-almond diet
π︎ 11
π
︎ May 24 2019
I thought about going on an all-almond dietβ¦.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Apr 13 2019
I thought about going on an all Almond diet
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 06 2019
I went nuts when someone asked me what cashews and almonds were.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Aug 28 2018
I was thinking of going on an all almond diet.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Nov 11 2017
Why do the call it almond milk?
Nobody can say "nut juice" with a straight face
π︎ 23
π
︎ May 01 2017
My niece can eat all nuts but almonds.
She can only eat mostmonds.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 26 2016
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