Why was the pancake arrested?

Un-waffle activity

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
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What causes people to have anxiety?

An over-active nervous system.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BiggerNutthole
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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They said that my house is haunted

Doors opened by itself, Shower turned on by itself and many other unexplained activities.

i come to the conclusion that it was John Cena

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slymood
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
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Kids are so ambitious!

My son wants to be a doctor AND a police officer.

He said he wants to help cut down on ill eagle activity.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BSMike82
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
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How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?

Why does it have to be a group activity

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
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In the future...

In 1,000 years, snails will evolve into being an advanced civilization. They will develop their own advanced technologies. In an effort to increase their mobility, they will equip their shells to be modular vehicles called Snail Cars, S-Car for short. Since snails do not have upper extremities, controlling the cars will be voice activated. The initiation command would be, "S-Car, GO!" πŸ˜‚πŸ€£

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dan_the_Man0904
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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r/dadjokes is recruiting moderators, join us!

Update: Thanks for all your applications! Give /u/parin89 and I a few days to take a look and confer!
(if you haven't put your application in yet, you've still got time)

-

Greetings /r/dadjokes subscribers,

Years have passed since this sub started up, and there are now literally millions of you. Whoa.

Two million people is just two many two handle for two moderators. Especially these days, when both /u/parin89 and I have two many other responsibilities and a whole lot less time. I'm 200% sure most of you would agree that more mods are needed.

So we're looking for 5 more moderators to get involved. If you're keen to apply, read the rest of this post and answer the three questions in your comment response.

Answer these 3 questions in your reply:

  1. How would you describe a dad joke?
  2. Do you currently moderate any other subreddits? If yes, which ones.
  3. You see a post that is not breaking the rules or reddit's posting guidelines, but is generally disliked by the community. What do you do?

Only apply if:

  • You're a reasonable, fair-minded and patient human
  • You're in it to keep this community a happy, friendly and safe place for other humans
  • You've got previous mod experience from a decent sized community (let's say... 5k+)
  • You're cool with the first few months being a trial run
  • You understand that while we could use more active moderation, and would benefit from a few more rules, one of the things that makes this community great is that it's pretty open (after all, dad jokes repeat a lot and not every "repost" is necessarily an opportunistic attempt to game karma)

We'd benefit from a few practical things as well, it would be great if:

  • You live in a timezone that covers off either the USA, the UK, Australia (we'd like a spread)
  • You've got some automod experience
  • You've got some sub-customisation experience

Don't apply if:

  • You're ready to come out swinging with a power tripping ban hammer
  • You're more concerned about Internet points than real people

We'll leave this stickied for a week and then come back to message a few people and make some selections.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tali3sin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
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I have a friend who plays in a band...

He is saxually active.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ObungaObama
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
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A scientist created a miniature bomb

When it was done, he didnt know how to activate it, so he put it under a microscope

Blew up in his face

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZombiesAtHome
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
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A short essay on the benefits of beating the shit out of each other β€” A satirical essay based on a single, overplayed pun

In my opinion we should beat the shit out of constipated people because:

  1. Laxatives are an unhealthy way of dealing with feces. On the other hand, beating the shit out of someone is a good way to practice sports activities like, running, grip strength, punching techniques etc.

  2. Other methods of dealing with feces take alot of money. Laxatives aren't cheap in our flawed healthcare system! On the other hand, there are people that are willing to pay you to beat the shit out of you. By using this method you can become richer and deal with your shitty problems.

  3. Constipation requires being in the bathroom for a long time. This can be very lonely for the people involved. However, beating the shit out of others can be done in any place. Your home, the local park, or even the shady street corner! Not only that it's a very social activity, requiring a minimum of at least 2 people, but usually done in groups of 2-5 people.

Although some people might say, that beating the shit out of each other is violent, most of them have never been to a public toilet and hence are unable to realize how much more painful and violent the alternative is.

In summery, beating the shit out of people is a good, legitimate, and affordable alternative to laxatives and is a better, more progressive way, to deal with constipation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/a5paperblank
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
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If you got all the kids born between 2001 and 2010 together...

If you got all the kids born between 2001 and 2010 together and had them do a group activity, you could have a quarantine, quaranteen, quaranteam!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stingrea51
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
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So my Microwave broke

Right now we've got a standard whirlpool. One basic box, with a rotating center tray. No frills.

I'm looking at a newer model. It's split in the center, and there's a second rotating tray. Also, it's voice activated.

What do you think?

Should I stick with what I've got or should I get Two Turn Tables and a Microphone?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DairyCanary5
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
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A donut walks into a church, approaches the priest and explains "Excuse me, Father, I don't mean to trouble you, but I'm very interested in joining the clergy."

"I was hoping that you could give me some pointers."

The priest, after taking a moment to accept the fact that he's speaking with a pastry, offers a warm smile in response.

"That is truly a noble calling." he says. "Most frequently, individuals who wish to become priests begin by growing active in their parish, then entering a seminary. While in attendance there, would-be clergy members work to excel in every regard, reaffirming their beliefs and devoting themselves to the path of righteousness. When the time comes, a given initiate will be ordained as a deacon, which will allow them passage to priesthood."

"That sounds like a very involved process." the donut confesses. "I'm not sure I have the time."

"If you don't mind me asking…" replies the priest. "What made you think you wanted to join the clergy if you're not willing to make a commitment to the process? Why do you want to be a priest at all?"

"Well…" the donut answers. "See, it's because I'm holey."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
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I’m sorry

What’s a black hole’s favorite bedtime activity? . . . Eating mass

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jewbear101
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
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My dad is in the hospital and king of dad jokes.. I'd love to make him a little book

Hi! My dad had a heart attack last week, then went home, less than 12 hours later was back in with a one in a million fluke chance that he'd have complication. He's been in for a week now and was told he is nothing short of a miracle. I'm pregnant and can't really go see him often in ICU because of the very very sick people, but I wanted to do something special and thought i'd ask here. He is pretty down about the whole thing, usually pretty active guy keeping himself busy but I would love to create a little book for him to cheer him up. Nothing crazy but maybe some great jokes to keep him on the cheery side I might include a little art for him too with the joke. Thanks everyone.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vulgarwanderer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2019
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Got my son on this one yesterday. He was listening to imagine dragons.

Me: Do they ever play this band on the radio? son: of course its imagine dragons. me: so they are active on the radio? son: looks at me for a second, oh jeez me: so they are radio-active!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubeykeebler
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
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The award for the best dadjokes 2018 goes to...

… u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes

[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]

Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:

January:

  1. Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes

  2. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes

  3. An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes

February:

  1. Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes

  2. My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes

  3. When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes

March:

  1. I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes

  2. Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.

  3. [When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skormes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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Is the majority of this sub finally done recycling material?

There have only been a few "Is this sub still active? There haven't been any new posts all year" posts all year.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fzh
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
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Got my wife with a few in a row while my daughter was at her dance class..

So, my wife was telling about how disappointed she was at our kindergartener's "Spring Fling" party this year. She described this one "activity" Where the kids throw a roll of toilet paper and try to ring a toilet.

I remarked "Wow.. that -is- pretty shitty!" And she scolded me for using foul language. "Yea.. sorry for the potty mouth... I'll water it down next time.."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2014
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What happened to this sub?

There hasn't been any activity ALL YEAR!

Happy new year from Australia!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WallyForPM
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
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I just discovered this subreddit after searching for an old joke to see if it had been posted...

And the joke has been posted in this subreddit literally every two days for the past week.

And I think it is hilarious because that is exactly how dad jokes are in real life. Dads always repeating the same joke you’ve heard over and over. I even checked the rules to see if reposting was actively encouraged because I thought it was too great to be a coincidence.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/glorifiedpenguin
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2019
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Why does it take all afternoon to eat all of the herbs in the pantry?

Because it’s a thyme consuming activity.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aurrutia214
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2018
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Overheard on a bus... What do you call a social hermit crab?

Just a crab.

Background: this young girl just bought a hermit crab and had a tank. This guy with his wife and kids told her it was the most active hermit crab he's ever seen, then laid this line on her. His wife rolled her eyes, but he seemed super proud.

I was the only one to laugh at this joke. My wife also rolled her eyes.

Dads unite.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2018
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A voice on the radio: Hello, anybody who can hear me please respond.

Me: Copy that, who is this?

Voice: Spider, working out.

Me: Spider who?

Voice: Radio active spider.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dudecancode
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2018
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Remember...

So my daughter is in a group that lets one kid take home a stuffed owl for a week, and write in a book about what activities they did with the owl, and return it for the next kid to take home.

This past week was her turn, and it’s due to go back tomorrow evening. So tonight while getting ready for bed I casually remind my wife that tomorrow was the deadline and to remember to write in the journal.

I say β€œI wrote it on the white board so that we all have a chance to remember”

She replies β€œYou may have to text me from work β€œremember the owl””

So I go to the next room and text right then and there: β€œRemember the Owl-amo!”

I could hear an audible groan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vanillaacid
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
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I'm ready for this

Scene: Wife and I have just come from her 12 week ultrasound where the baby was moving and rolling all over the place. Passed by our local cafe to grab a 1kg (2.2lb) bag of coffee beans.

Walking down the street cradling my coffee like a baby. Say to my wife "check out my baby." She replies "yeah but mine is so much more active." I say " no, mine's full of beans."

We laughed our way back to the car.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SheepShaggerNZ
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2018
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Help! I need puns about puzzles!

Context: There is an upcoming 250 piece puzzle-making competition at work where teams compete to be the fastest puzzle-solvers. It is a corporate activity. I'm writing the invitation to be distributed and I want to get people participating. Help!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shilreddit
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2017
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[Long] a brush with death

Credit to u/echonight . This is a cross post from r/askreddit

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.

About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off.

The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.

The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins".

"What do you mean?" asks the dentist.

"Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now."

The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life."

The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?"

The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free."

The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?"

The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minute of brushing each, then we decide."

"Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.

Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper gr

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spartan-44
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2017
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My dad's crowning moment

driving down I-75 when we passed fire trucks outside of an urban active gym

Mom: Look at all of those fire trucks!

Dad: wow, they must really be burning those calories!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/r2deetard
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2013
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I seem to be addicted to making clothes for nuns

It's quite a habit forming activity

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lukeurmyson
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2018
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The newest Dodge line of cars should be called the "Resposibility"

The new 2016 Dodge Responsibility.

Options include: Anti-Radar stealth paint, and an voice activated license plate shield.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Amaroq208
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2015
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A Family Friend

As family friend of ours has not been able to make it to various activities because he is a mortician and keeps getting called into work, when discussing this my very nonchalantly says: "we shouldn't feel too bad for him. Besides, people are dying to see him..."

Edit: spelling

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jarbleecookie13
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2017
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Pregnant partner got me with this one

We were watching and feeling the baby kick. She seems particularly active today. Wife turns to me and says, "Looks like she's playing PokΓ©-MOM!"

We're going to embarrass the snot out of this kid.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VeggieQuiche
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2016
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Out-dad joked my dad about car names the other day

My parents were visiting me, and my mom's been looking at a new vehicle, specifically a Toyota Rav4. As she's not the most tech-savvy, she got one of the paper brochures from the dealership about the features available.

Being marketing literature for a small SUV, there were plenty of pictures of people running, hiking, and being active. My dad looks at it and goes: "so is this the Toyota for runners?" I immediately said "No, that's probably the Toyota 4runner".

My mom cracked up. My dad just groaned.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tullyswimmer
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2016
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My Dad went out of the way for this one

One of my favorite activities is hiking, and my Dad absolutely detests hiking, so I thought it was a little odd when he asked me if I wanted to go hiking. I said yes, and we did. Then a few days later he asked me to go hiking again. It took about six trips in total for me to answer with "Count me in!" Then, with the biggest smirk in the world plastered on his face he proudly said "One."

He went hiking with my six times in the hopes that eventually I would say count me in, and he could use that joke. Bravo, Dad. Bravo.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nocchi575
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2013
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I bought a new uranium-based alarm clock last week but it's really quiet...

I thought this stuff was supposed to be radio-active!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WillSmithsBoobs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2016
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My daughter the dancer

My daughter is a few months old and is very active with her legs. She kicks a lot so if I hold her a bit off the ground it looks like she's dancing.

On a visit to my parents, I went to show them this while I was sitting on the couch. I held her up and told her to "dance on daddy's belly".

My dad: Oh - she's a belly dancer!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sane123
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2016
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Saw a marching band today and wondered...

Do marching band performers describe rehearsal as a normal, hum"drum" activity?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CronoZero15
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2015
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