For all those who promised their SO they would be with them 24/7

It's tomorrow!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Elik101
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
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I saw a sign outside the gym that said "OPEN 24/7"

I thought, "How useless is that? July is ages away."

πŸ‘︎ 380
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
🚨︎ report
Why does the keyboard work 24/7?

Because it has 2 shifts

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_sh3fas
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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I looked at my wife and proclaimed, "I promise to love you 24/7!!"

She looked lovingly at me, eyes welling with tears as I continued, "And today is the day!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
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My new boss told me that he expects me to be on call 24/7...

but I don't really mind as the 24th of July is ages away

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomt94
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2015
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I’m gonna open a pho restaurant and keep it open 24/7 and name it β€œtwenty-pho seven”
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cheyennne_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2018
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My wife is always complaining she has been waiting for the day that i will love her 24/7

I just told her that day has finally come.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/g0dfarter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a cancer doctor who works 24/7?

An on-call ogist

πŸ‘︎ 420
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rjr49
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2017
🚨︎ report
If you have promised your partner or children that you will love them and cherish them 24/7...

Remind them that today is

24/7

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/g0dfarter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2018
🚨︎ report
My birthday is on July 24th, shame I was born in america. If I was born anywhere else....

my birthday would be 24/7

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aglaz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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I’m ready to share my Grandma’s special Gold soup recipe: first you boil the water,

... then add 24 carrots

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PileOfThoughts
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2021
🚨︎ report
How many letters are in the English alphabet?

Because E.T. went home.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/infinit9
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Here's a step-by-step guide on how to fall down stairs!

Step 28

Step 27

Step 24

Step 21

Step 16

Step 12

Step 7

Step 3

Step 1

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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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Coming up with names for periods of time is really tiring.

The people who originally did it tried to figure out a word for a 24 hour period until sunset. Then they just gave up and called it a day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrFillywonk
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
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Today, Friday, February 19th, is National Prevent Plagiarism Day

As a tribute, Reddit r/Jokes will be quarantined for 24 hours.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
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Why was the Native American bartender fired?

He kept charging $24 for a Manhattan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hutimuti
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
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How much time is in one communist day?

24 ours

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chesthairdude
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Why will people be sedated this new year’s eve?

Because it will be 2020 24 hours to go.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cbt711
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Sleep experts reckon that in order to stay optimally healthy, you need "6-8 hours a day".

That's me buggered then, my day has 24 hours.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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At midnight it will officially be Ramones time.

2020, 24 hours to go...

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
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Wanted to get fit by starting running. Bought a book called How to Jog.

Imagine my disappointment when I realised it was Volume 9 of a 24-Volume encyclopaedia.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slobberchops_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
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Today you should work as much as you can.

In future you can tell everyone that in the year when the pandemic came, you worked on 24/7.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pur__0_0__
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
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The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Donald, Duck" anymore when the president is about to be attacked

But their grandchildren still listen, in spite of rule 4, because hearing dear old grand-da be excited about his stories is just so sweet, whether he remembers tellin them or not

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+ 24 others

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The__Odor
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s the favorite Bruno Mars song of bunnies?

24 carrot magic

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DutchBlob
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Some of the gem's of Steven Wright

The work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

1 Β  - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2Β Β  - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3Β Β  - Half the people you know are below average.

4Β Β  - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6 Β  - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7Β Β  - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 Β  - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 Β  - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ksbalaji
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
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In the beginning, God created time...

He created it 1 hour at a time. But after he had created 24, he called it a day.

πŸ‘︎ 109
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dwrk92
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Biggest Number Contest

20 Was in the lead "24 the win!" The crowd shouted. Sadly 30 challenged him and 31. But they realized it was a tie! Because 0, 1, 2! And they all 8 together, The end.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlayCC
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the jeweler make soup

He used 24 carats

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/marcuccione
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad's been busy

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

  1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

  2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

  3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

  4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

  5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

  6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

  7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

  8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

  9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

  10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

  11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

  12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

  13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

  14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

  1. Took a bo
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I started a boat-building business in my attic ...

Now sails are going through the roof

Source: New York Times Crossword Puzzle, Tuesday Sept 24, 2019, 6 Down

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πŸ‘€︎ u/some_lerker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I hear prisoners in jail get drunk a lot

They hang around bars 24/7.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2017
🚨︎ report
I got Dad joked for Father’s Day.

To start, I’m a pretty big dude and sweat easily. At home, I have a big tower fan aimed at me 24/7. My wife hates the fan and it’s often a topic of β€œdiscussion”.

This morning, my wife gave me the heads up that my 7 yo son’s card was all his idea.

The card he made had a very detailed drawing of my tower fan on the front. I looked at it confusedly and opened it up to read:

β€œDad, you are FANtastic!”

Best Father’s Day ever.

πŸ‘︎ 261
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarthRusty
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2018
🚨︎ report
Got a co-worker with this one as he was heading home after a 24hr shift.

I work in the investigations section of a military police department, and aside from our normal office hours, we have 24hr shifts that cycle through the office, so that there's an investigator present and on-duty 24/7/365.

My co-worker was wrapping up some paperwork this morning, and coming off of his 24 hr shift, and almost dead to the world. At the time, a pair of other investigators in my office were discussing some case that had happened a day or two prior that involved an emancipated juvenile.

I was just logging into my workstation to check my e-mail and I turned to my co-worker and asked, "Hey, so when a juvenile gets emancipated, and he announces it - proclaims it, if you will - what would they call that?"

He stares at me with a blank, uncomprehending expression and I continue, "An emancipation...proclamation? Maybe?"

The annoyed groans of someone who's been up for 24 hours are so satisfying.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Droidball
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2015
🚨︎ report
Two astronauts went to space and just sat in their shuttle watching the beautiful earth rotate.

After 24 hours, they finally had enough and decided to call it day.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NegativePrimitive
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2018
🚨︎ report
Scientists got so bored of watching the Earth spin

After 24 hours, they called it a day

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AFGClips
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Puns for Educated Minds
  1. The fattest knight at King Arthurs round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

  2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

  3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

  4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

  5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

  6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

  7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

  8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

  9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

  10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

  11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

  12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here; I'll go on a head.

  13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

  14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.

  15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

  16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

  17. A backward poet writes inverse.

  18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

  19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

  20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

  21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

  22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says Dam!

  23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

  24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I’ve lost my electron. The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.

  25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

  26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FreshFocusPhoto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2015
🚨︎ report
Why isn't the 24th of July a holiday?

Are we really expected to work 24/7?

πŸ‘︎ 157
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notakat
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you make golden soup?

You add 24 carrots

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pat1122
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you turn soup into gold?

Add 24 carrots

πŸ‘︎ 104
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotMetheThree
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report
What's Bruno Mars favorite vegetable trick?

24 carrot magic

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocks_D_Ririck
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you turn stew into gold?

Just add 24 carrots.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iM00S3
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
🚨︎ report
How many letters are in the alphabet?

24, because ET went home.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/December_Soul
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2019
🚨︎ report
The alphabet is M T

when you remove the other 24 letters

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/toddyk
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you make soup gold?

you add 24 carrots

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lil_cracker__
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Every time...

0:00 0:01 0:02 0:03 0:04 0:05 0:06 0:07 0:08 0:09 0:10 0:11 0:12 0:13 0:14 0:15 0:16 0:17 0:18 0:19 0:20 0:21 0:22 0:23 0:24 0:25 0:26 0:27 0:28 0:29 0:30 0:31 0:32 0:33 0:34 0:35 0:36 0:37 0:38 0:39 0:40 0:41 0:42 0:43 0:44 0:45 0:46 0:47 0:48 0:49 0:50 0:51 0:52 0:53 0:54 0:55 0:56 0:57 0:58 0:59 1:00 1:01 1:02 1:03 1:04 1:05 1:06 1:07 1:08 1:09 1:10 1:11 1:12 1:13 1:14 1:15 1:16 1:17 1:18 1:19 1:20 1:21 1:22 1:23 1:24 1:25 1:26 1:27 1:28 1:29 1:30 1:31 1:32 1:33 1:34 1:35 1:36 1:37 1:38 1:39 1:40 1:41 1:42 1:43 1:44 1:45 1:46 1:47 1:48 1:49 1:50 1:51 1:52 1:53 1:54 1:55 1:56 1:57 1:58 1:59 2:00 2:01 2:02 2:03 2:04 2:05 2:06 2:07 2:08 2:09 2:10 2:11 2:12 2:13 2:14 2:15 2:16 2:17 2:18 2:19 2:20 2:21 2:22 2:23 2:24 2:25 2:26 2:27 2:28 2:29 2:30 2:31 2:32 2:33 2:34 2:35 2:36 2:37 2:38 2:39 2:40 2:41 2:42 2:43 2:44 2:45 2:46 2:47 2:48 2:49 2:50 2:51 2:52 2:53 2:54 2:55 2:56 2:57 2:58 2:59 3:00 3:01 3:02 3:03 3:04 3:05 3:06 3:07 3:08 3:09 3:10 3:11 3:12 3:13 3:14 3:15 3:16 3:17 3:18 3:19 3:20 3:21 3:22 3:23 3:24 3:25 3:26 3:27 3:28 3:29 3:30 3:31 3:32 3:33 3:34 3:35 3:36 3:37 3:38 3:39 3:40 3:41 3:42 3:43 3:44 3:45 3:46 3:47 3:48 3:49 3:50 3:51 3:52 3:53 3:54 3:55 3:56 3:57 3:58 3:59 4:00 4:01 4:02 4:03 4:04 4:05 4:06 4:07 4:08 4:09 4:10 4:11 4:12 4:13 4:14 4:15 4:16 4:17 4:18 4:19 4:20 4:21 4:22 4:23 4:24 4:25 4:26 4:27 4:28 4:29 4:30 4:31 4:32 4:33 4:34 4:35 4:36 4:37 4:38 4:39 4:40 4:41 4:42 4:43 4:44 4:45 4:46 4:47 4:48 4:49 4:50 4:51 4:52 4:53 4:54 4:55 4:56 4:57 4:58 4:59 5:00 5:01 5:02 5:03 5:04 5:05 5:06 5:07 5:08 5:09 5:10 5:11 5:12 5:13 5:14 5:15 5:16 5:17 5:18 5:19 5:20 5:21 5:22 5:23 5:24 5:25 5:26 5:27 5:28 5:29 5:30 5:31 5:32 5:33 5:34 5:35 5:36 5:37 5:38 5:39 5:40 5:41 5:42 5:43 5:44 5:45 5:46 5:47 5:48 5:49 5:50 5:51 5:52 5:53 5:54 5:55 5:56 5:57 5:58 5:59 6:00 6:01 6:02 6:03 6:04 6:05 6:06 6:07 6:08 6:09 6:10 6:11 6:12 6:13 6:14 6:15 6:16 6:17 6:18 6:19 6:20 6:21 6:22 6:23 6:24 6:25 6:26 6:27 6:28 6:29 6:30 6:31 6:32 6:33 6:34 6:35 6:36 6:37 6:38 6:39 6:40 6:41 6:42 6:43 6:44 6:45 6:46 6:47 6:48 6:49 6:50 6:51 6:52 6:53 6:54 6:55 6:56 6:57 6:58 6:59 7:00 7:01 7:02 7:03 7:04 7:05 7:06 7:07 7:08 7:09 7:10 7:11 7:12 7:13 7:14 7:15 7:16 7:17 7:18 7:19 7:20 7:21 7:22 7:23 7:24 7:25 7:26 7:27 7:28 7:29 7:30 7:31 7:32 7:33 7:34 7:35 7:36 7:37 7:38 7:39 7:40 7:41 7:42 7:43 7:44 7:45 7:46 7:47 7:48 7:49 7:50 7:51 7:52 7:53 7:54 7:55 7:56 7:57 7:58 7:59 8:00 8:01 8:02 8:03 8:04 8:05 8:06 8:07 8:08 8:09 8:10 8:11 8:12 8:13 8:14 8:15 8:16 8:17 8:18 8:19

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 864
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scott_MacGregor
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2015
🚨︎ report
Scientists got tired of watching the Earth turn

So after 24 hours, they called it a day

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoseIsOK
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
🚨︎ report

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