I have the worlds worst thesaurus. Not only is it terrible…

…it’s terrible.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/satansayssurfsup
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2022
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I bought the world's worst thesaurus the other day

Not only is it terrible, it's also terrible

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jonnydrama2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2022
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Simultaneously world's worst and best pun
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Morsecode_01
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2021
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The world's worst...

...limbo dancer walked into a bar.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Turbo-R
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2021
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Jewel thief with worlds worst stutter was jailed for 10 years yesterday...

A police spokesperson says it may take him up to 11 years to finish his sentence.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FuckinWimp87
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
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I just read the world's worst thesaurus. It wasn't just awful...

...it was awful.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrOrgasm
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
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I bought the world’s worst thesaurus today.

It’s not only bad, it’s also… bad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckdodger1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2022
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Who is the worst counter in the world?

Bill Gates. 1, 3.1, 95, 98, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10, 11.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mess-Leading
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2022
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The world’s worst impressionist walks into a bar.

The bartender says, β€œWhy the wrong face?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2021
🚨︎ report
A list of over 350 Dad Jokes!

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. β€œI’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. β€œSorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. β€œYou’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. β€œWe don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. β€œWhy not?” one yogurt asks. β€œWe’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, β€œWhat are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, β€œIt’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, β€œWhat’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, β€œArrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, β€œI don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbersβ€”some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bugasum
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2022
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I own the world worst theasaurous. Not only is it awful...

But it's awful

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πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
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I put my worst joke on youtube for the world to enjoy! (Apologies for clickbaity title) youtu.be/_xu_nAniZ74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DepotAdventures
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
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Found out I'm the worst plumber/electrician in the world when I rewired the toilet.

It was a massive shock to the cistern.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kimenon001
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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What is the worst-smelling insect in the world?

De-odor-ant

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Resident_Skroob
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2018
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Everybody keeps telling me I’m the world’s worst mailman.

Shit... I was planning to post this somewhere else.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2018
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Blind Man: "Please help me, everyone keeps making nasty jokes about how my disability means I'm somehow inferior to them. I'm constantly hearing thoughtless, heartless reminders about how I'm different from other people, and lacking a sense they have."

World's Worst Therapist: "I see."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ExtraSure
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2021
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I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
A family of balloons

Here's a joke my dad told me. Sorry if you've heard it, but I found it hilarious, and I think you might enjoy it.

In a small town in the suburbs, there was a small family of balloons. There was a mummy balloon, a daddy balloon, and a small child balloon. Every night the boy would sleep between his parents, but his father had had enough.

"son, I know you love sleeping between us, but you're getting a bit too old for it., " the father said. "You're nearly 8, you're a big boy, and your mother and I think you should sleep in your own bed from now on. You can stay tonight but starting tomorrow we want you in your own bed. Do you understand?"

"Yeah dad, I understand..." the boy said with a maudlin tinge to his voice.

"okay son, I love you."

"love you too dad"

The next night the boy tried sleeping in his own bed, but there was a storm outside. It was a dark, ominous storm - the kind of storm that sounds like a cataclysm for the end of the world.

The boy was scared, so he went to sleep in his parents room. However when he tried to squeeze between them, he found he didn't fit. He felt defeated. He felt scared. He felt alone.

But then an idea struck him. He decided he'd just let a little bit of air out of his father. He tried to squeeze in again, but had no such luck. So he let a little bit of air out of his mother. He tried again. Still no luck. Finally, he decided to let some air out of himself. Success! He squeezed in tightly and drifted off to sleep.

The next morning his parents were furious. His father was feeling particularly angry, and screamed at his son.

"son, I told you not to sleep in our room. I told you to sleep in your own bed! Didn't I say that Hun?"

"yes dear," the mother said, feeling slightly deflated.

"so son, what do you have to say for yourself?" the father asked in anger.

"it was dark and stormy and..." the boy tried to spit out.

"I don't care son!" the father interrupted. "you can't keep doing this! I'm very disappointed. You've let me down, you've let me down, but worst of all..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aesyr_raps
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2018
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I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible,

...it's also terrible.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tcjaeger
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2022
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I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday

Not only was it terrible, it was terrible.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gravel_Bandit
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2021
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I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday.

Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyphr0st
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
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I own the world’s worst thesaurus

Not only is it awful, it’s awful.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cowboy_Rick
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
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I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.

Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Merulius
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
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I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s also terrible.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AltruisticBeggar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
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The world’s worst impressionist walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, β€œWhy the wrong face?”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
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The world’s worst impressionist walks into a bar.

The bartender says, β€œWhy the wrong face?”

πŸ‘︎ 86
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
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The world’s worst impressionist walks into a bar.

The bartender says, β€œWhy the wrong face?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the architect who invented the worst staircase in the world?

It didn’t go down well

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheJawsDog
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Want to hear the worst joke in the world?

I just threw two drums and a cymbal off a cliff. . . . . Ba Dum Tsss!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NCmountainReddit
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2017
🚨︎ report
The Book

My Dad was the worst. And by that, I mean the best. He had a Dad Joke for everything.

I accidently left my wallet in my pants and they went through the wash?

"Don't you know it's illegal to launder money?" He would crack.

We would drive by the cemetery and he would always remark.

"That place is so popular, people are dying to get in"

Many groans were had.

I would ask him, "Dad, where do you get all these awful jokes?" and he looked square in the eye and said.

"Son, on the day you were born - your Grandfather - my father gave me a book. '1001 Dad Jokes' and that where I get them from"

And life continued. Any opportunity to crack wise he would take it. Even when I moved out and got my own place it didn't stop. I had my Dad over to help me repaint the walls from cream to white.

"Boy" He whistled. "This wall sure pales in comparison to that one"

My eyes rolled and he just shrugged. "It's the book!"

He couldn't even help himself at my wedding and broke out a Dad Joke during the toast.

"If this is the toast, where are the eggs?"

"Sorry son, it's the book!" He said with a devilish grin.

So months pass and my wife is in labor at the hospital with our first child. I'm sitting in the waiting room with my dad for support. Suddenly, a nurse comes out beaming with glee.

"Congratulations, sir! It's a girl!"

Me and my dad jump up and whoop for joy, hugging. I can't wait to go in and see my wife and child.

"Wait son" My dad says and pulls a little book out of his jacket pocket. "This is for you"

I look at the little book and sure enough, it's "1001 Dad Jokes"

I tear up instantly.

"I...I.." I stammer.."I'm touched.."

My dad gets the world's biggest shit-eating grin on his face.

"Hi touched...." He pauses for effect.

"I'm Dad"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/extraflux
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2015
🚨︎ report
After two weeks of trying, my wife just told me she was pregnant.

She has the world worst stutter.

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2019
🚨︎ report
I woke up this morning with a tap on my door.

I hired the world’s worst plumber.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2018
🚨︎ report

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