My wife asked for a divorce today, saying I was too un-American.

I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the opposite of a croissant?

A happy uncle.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kgangadhar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
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What do you call a native Alaskan eye doctor??

An Optical Aleutian

I’ll see myself out...

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"

"For drinking." replies the cop.

"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN

You get them VERY ANGRY

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sisrael81
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is β€œbeefstew” an unsafe password to use?

Because it’s not Stroganoff.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/peytonmi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb.

He just can't part with it.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeltaOne211
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week

Well it’s not a law it’s a mandate

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justin_true_10
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a fear of giants?

Feefiphobia

Edit: wow! I never expected this to reach such great heights..... Thank you for the awards, kind redditors.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/denandbil
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
eBay is so useless

I tried to look up lighters and all they had were 13,570 matches

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/puranjay1432
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"

The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by RenΓ© Descartes.

But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearfeedmitch
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...

So I called her Bluff...

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A man went to the doctor’s and told him, β€œI feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”

He said, β€œWow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyclopropagative
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?

The centaur of attention..... ill see myself out

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gambitK9
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough.

I've just handed in my too weak notice.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hobo4lifee
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know the film β€œSpeed” had no director?

If it had direction, it would be called β€œVelocity”.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Divine_ICBM
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
If there’s a line of gay people, it’s not a straight line...

It’s an LGBT Queue

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Evanthekid16
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
How does Jesus make his Coffee?

Hebrews it.

πŸ‘︎ 582
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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
After a heated argument, my kid shouted β€œJim Morrison was overrated”

Me: What did I say about slamming The Doors?

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/catmom81519
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Freddie Mercury, Bruno Mars, and Venus Williams all walk into the same bar.

But they didn’t planet.

πŸ‘︎ 570
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter thinks I don't give her enough privacy.

Atleast that's what she said in her diary.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/__teju
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
What do snowmen call their offspring?

Chill-dren

πŸ‘︎ 187
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πŸ‘€︎ u/90eight
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.. COMPLETE WASTE OF MONEY!

He just stands there applauding and saying β€œOoh, I love how smooth it is”

πŸ‘︎ 469
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlintTheDad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the angriest nut?

Pissed-aschios.

πŸ‘︎ 149
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Heywood_Jablwme
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Man walks into a bar and orders a Corona and 2 huricanes...

Bartender says, β€œThat will be $20.20.”

πŸ‘︎ 302
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Parkwad
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I had a priest perform an exorcism for my house, but I never paid the bill....

It’s been repossessed

πŸ‘︎ 235
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.

I don’t understand how she can feel that way.

πŸ‘︎ 134
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rafwaf123
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I normally knock on the fridge door before I open it...

Just in case there's a salad dressing

πŸ‘︎ 208
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πŸ‘€︎ u/laserspewpew_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I was told that my dad was pronounced dead

I can’t believe I’ve been saying it wrong my whole life

πŸ‘︎ 197
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlabamaMayan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
British people be like I'm bri ish

It's because they drank the t

πŸ‘︎ 152
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sss69sss
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?

There were repercussions.

πŸ‘︎ 190
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrayingMantis
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
It wasn’t much fun when I broke my neck in an accident a few months ago.

But now I can look back and laugh.

πŸ‘︎ 212
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call paper you can’t trust?

A sketch pad

πŸ‘︎ 126
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you make a snooker table laugh?

Put your hand in its pocket and tickle its balls.

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
How many hands am I holding up?

If you ever accidentally smack your kid in the face and they say ow my eyes is blurry, or if they bump their face etc

Say β€œah buddy u ok? Can u see? How many hands am I holding up?

Then proceed to hold up one hand with four fingers.

The kid will most often say 4. Then you make the dad face.

β€œ4 hands!?!? Yah we might have a problem!”

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MuskIsAlien
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?

Count Draculas.

πŸ‘︎ 103
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

Pumpkin pi

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flippantteacup
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I considered converting my wardrobe to house my board game collection, but was worried about losing clothing space.

It was trivial per suit.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PythagorasJones
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report

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