My wife asked for a divorce today, saying I was too un-American.
I saw it coming from a kilometer away.
π︎ 15k
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︎ Nov 14 2020
What is the opposite of a croissant?
π︎ 9k
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︎ Nov 22 2020
What do you call a native Alaskan eye doctor??
An Optical Aleutian
Iβll see myself out...
π︎ 10k
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︎ Dec 01 2020
A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"
"For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
π︎ 14k
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︎ Dec 08 2020
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN
π︎ 14k
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︎ Oct 23 2020
Why is βbeefstewβ an unsafe password to use?
Because itβs not Stroganoff.
π︎ 13k
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︎ Nov 07 2020
A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb.
He just can't part with it.
π︎ 11k
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︎ Nov 19 2020
The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week
Well itβs not a law itβs a mandate
π︎ 14k
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︎ Nov 20 2020
What do you call a fear of giants?
Feefiphobia
Edit: wow! I never expected this to reach such great heights..... Thank you for the awards, kind redditors.
π︎ 12k
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︎ Oct 06 2020
eBay is so useless
I tried to look up lighters and all they had were 13,570 matches
π︎ 14k
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︎ Sep 30 2020
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"
The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by RenΓ© Descartes.
But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
π︎ 11k
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︎ Sep 05 2020
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
π︎ 17k
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︎ Aug 22 2020
A man went to the doctorβs and told him, βI feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.β
He said, βWow, thatβs the worst case of parking sonβs disease Iβve ever seen.β
π︎ 11k
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︎ Sep 17 2020
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?
The centaur of attention..... ill see myself out
π︎ 8k
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︎ Oct 13 2020
I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough.
I've just handed in my too weak notice.
π︎ 8k
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︎ Oct 22 2020
Did you know the film βSpeedβ had no director?
If it had direction, it would be called βVelocityβ.
π︎ 2k
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︎ Dec 14 2020
If thereβs a line of gay people, itβs not a straight line...
π︎ 1k
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︎ Dec 14 2020
How does Jesus make his Coffee?
π︎ 590
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︎ Nov 07 2020
After a heated argument, my kid shouted βJim Morrison was overratedβ
Me: What did I say about slamming The Doors?
π︎ 2k
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︎ Aug 30 2020
Freddie Mercury, Bruno Mars, and Venus Williams all walk into the same bar.
But they didnβt planet.
π︎ 575
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︎ Sep 24 2020
My daughter thinks I don't give her enough privacy.
Atleast that's what she said in her diary.
π︎ 1k
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︎ Sep 13 2020
What do snowmen call their offspring?
π︎ 191
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︎ Dec 14 2020
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.. COMPLETE WASTE OF MONEY!
He just stands there applauding and saying βOoh, I love how smooth it isβ
π︎ 473
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︎ Sep 03 2020
What is the angriest nut?
π︎ 145
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︎ Sep 24 2020
Man walks into a bar and orders a Corona and 2 huricanes...
Bartender says, βThat will be $20.20.β
π︎ 300
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︎ Aug 27 2020
I had a priest perform an exorcism for my house, but I never paid the bill....
π︎ 238
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︎ Oct 06 2020
My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.
I donβt understand how she can feel that way.
π︎ 134
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︎ Oct 13 2020
I normally knock on the fridge door before I open it...
Just in case there's a salad dressing
π︎ 208
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︎ Sep 19 2020
I was told that my dad was pronounced dead
I canβt believe Iβve been saying it wrong my whole life
π︎ 198
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︎ Sep 18 2020
British people be like I'm bri ish
It's because they drank the t
π︎ 149
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︎ Oct 31 2020
What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?
There were repercussions.
π︎ 191
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︎ Sep 18 2020
It wasnβt much fun when I broke my neck in an accident a few months ago.
But now I can look back and laugh.
π︎ 213
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︎ Aug 24 2020
What do you call paper you canβt trust?
π︎ 123
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︎ Sep 03 2020
How do you make a snooker table laugh?
Put your hand in its pocket and tickle its balls.
π︎ 62
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︎ Oct 06 2020
How many hands am I holding up?
If you ever accidentally smack your kid in the face and they say ow my eyes is blurry, or if they bump their face etc
Say βah buddy u ok? Can u see? How many hands am I holding up?
Then proceed to hold up one hand with four fingers.
The kid will most often say 4. Then you make the dad face.
β4 hands!?!? Yah we might have a problem!β
π︎ 41
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︎ Oct 13 2020
What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?
π︎ 105
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︎ Oct 30 2020
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
π︎ 76
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︎ Sep 30 2020
I considered converting my wardrobe to house my board game collection, but was worried about losing clothing space.
π︎ 22
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︎ Sep 18 2020
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