My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, βDo you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?β In my best bear voice, I replied...
βNo thanks, Iβm stuffed!"
π︎ 78
π
︎ Dec 26 2020
Strained my voice
The other day i yelled into a colander and i strained my voice.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 26 2020
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnβt happy at all. βHow much have you had to drink?β she asked sternly, staring at me. βNothingβ I slurred. βLook at me!β she shouted. βItβs either me or the pub, which one is it?β
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, βItβs you. I can tell by the voice.β
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Dec 27 2020
What's the drug that changes your voice?
π︎ 4
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︎ Dec 03 2020
(*in a late night TV voice*)
Have you been wearing glasses during the pandemic?!? Have you been wearing your mask?!? You may be entitled to condensation.
π︎ 4
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︎ Dec 05 2020
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
Her: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Dec 01 2020
I just changed the audio of my GPS to a man's voice...
Now it just says, "It's around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while. "
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 09 2020
All i hear is Bawwy Kwepki's voice
π︎ 44
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︎ Sep 19 2020
What happens when someone with a tiny voice gets angry?
^α΅Κ°α΅ΚΈ ^ΚΈα΅Λ‘Λ‘ ^Κ³α΅α΅Λ‘Λ‘ΚΈ ^Λ‘α΅α΅α΅α΅
π︎ 9
π
︎ Oct 20 2020
If a pig loses it's voice...
Is it disgruntled?
I'll leave now...
π︎ 8
π
︎ Oct 11 2020
If you're having voice problems I feel bad for you son,
I've got 99 problems but a pitch ain't one
π︎ 34
π
︎ Jul 12 2020
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you donβt.β And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town canβt be buried here.β I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz theyβre still alive!"
π︎ 83
π
︎ Jul 26 2020
So they are making this movie where Michael J. Fox voice acts for a time traveling chicken.
They call it Bawk to the Future.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 01 2020
Which brand of computer has the best singing voice?
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jul 16 2020
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 02 2020
Pirates of yore would get a treasure chest off a looted vessel and often hear voices coming from the chest saying "yoo hoo!"
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jun 30 2020
If a judge loves the sound of his own voice,
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jun 15 2020
An owl lost its voice.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jul 29 2020
When Dad talks to you in his STERN VOICE is he just speaking...
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 07 2020
It's so punny
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Aug 14 2020
In the Disney animated picture, Ratatouille, Remy controls Linguini actions by pulling his hair, giving him a perfect palette. The little chefβs squeak is the only other voice Linguini ever really hears at home.
I guess you could say Remy is Linguiniβs voice of season
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jul 11 2020
The moment I realise I lost my voice __________
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 14 2020
A man sits down at a bar. After a moment, he hears a voice behind him say "Hey, that shirt looks great on you!" He turns around, and nobody is there. Confused, he asks the bartender, "Where did that voice come from?" The bartender says...
"Oh, it's the peanuts.
They're complimentary."
π︎ 15
π
︎ May 16 2020
50 cent
π︎ 548
π
︎ Aug 15 2020
ME: *coughing* I'm sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
π︎ 8
π
︎ May 15 2020
My friend walked up quietly and said, "hi Thomas." Then I heard a whiny voice say "hiii Thommasss." "Did you just make fun of yourself saying hi?" I asked my friend.
"Oh no," he replied. "That's my shoes... I'm wearing mockasins."
π︎ 5
π
︎ Apr 13 2020
I remember when I made a joke about a kid dying. My dad sat me down on the couch and told me in a serious voice "jokes about kids dying young...
π︎ 2
π
︎ May 23 2020
Laughing gas should be Helium instead of Nitrous Oxide.
Not only does it make your voice sound funny, but a bunch of it together goes He He He.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Nov 28 2020
I asked my wife if she wanted me to use my βsexy Russian voiceβ during sexy time.
I told her she could call meβVladimir Putitinβ.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 29 2020
Did you hear about the guy who couldnβt stop making pony noises?
His voice is a little horse now.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Nov 27 2020
Painting a Church
A painter is desperate and bids low for a contract to paint the outside of a church. He figures he could still make a profit by adding water to the paint. He wins the contract.
He goes out one sunny day and after a long day's work, he finishes. Thunder cracks and the rain washes away the paint. A voice from the sky booms, "Repaint and thin no more!"
π︎ 10
π
︎ Nov 04 2020
Why is there no Jedi Navy?
Sailing is a path to the dockside
π︎ 52
π
︎ Sep 10 2020
If girls with big boobs work at The Hooters, where do the girls with only one leg work?
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Feb 20 2020
What kind of a voice has a washwoman?
a soaprano
A dad joke from an 1886 joke book.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jan 29 2020
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, βDo you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?β In my best bear voice, I replied...
βNo thanks, Iβm stuffed!"
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Apr 20 2020
I yelled at the kids through the colander today,
π︎ 114
π
︎ Dec 28 2020
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you donβt.β And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town canβt be buried here.β I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz theyβre still alive!"
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Jul 28 2019
Which computer has the best voice?
π︎ 21
π
︎ Jun 21 2020
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnβt happy at all. βHow much have you had to drink?β she asked sternly, staring at me. βNothingβ I slurred. βLook at me!β she shouted. βItβs either me or the pub, which one is it?β
I paused for a second while I thought and said, βItβs you. I can tell by the voice.β
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Jun 10 2020
My voice is pony
π︎ 4
π
︎ Feb 29 2020
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