Some of my friends make The Offspring puns, some of them violently hate them

I guess I gotta keep em separated

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EgonVector
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2022
🚨︎ report
He was violently frustrated to find that his sailboat had drifted a great many miles off course overnight

He needed to work on his anchor management

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Possum
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2018
🚨︎ report
A squirrel is sitting on a branch in a pine tree when suddenly he feels the whole tree begin to shake violently.

He looks down and sees that a full-grown elephant is slowly clambering up the tree. When the elephant finally reaches the branch the squirrel asks, "Why on earth did you climb up into this pine tree?!"

The elephant then says, "I came up here to eat some pears, of course."

The squirrel, completely shocked at the elephant's ignorance, exclaims, "You elephants don't know the first thing about trees! This is a PINE tree, there are no pears here."

The elephant then explains, "Oh, I know, I brought my own."

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RhapsodicRaven
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2018
🚨︎ report
A vampire very violently vomits, looks down, and dies...

Because acid reflects.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2018
🚨︎ report
The boxer toy was violently beating down the other toys

He was charged with battery

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Erikjb12
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I recently gave a lecture instructing people how to give directions by violently thrusting their arm towards the intended destination.

It was a PowerPoint presentation.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/procrastiprov
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a Mr Potato Head who rules a country with a violent autocracy?

A Dick-Tater.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RickySan65
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2022
🚨︎ report
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

It happened 250 million years ago

πŸ‘︎ 466
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Top_Natural_2682
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2022
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me to plan a cruise for our vacation. When I did she said that I picked the wrong ocean.

She should have been pacific in her instructions.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Riverrat423
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2022
🚨︎ report
What's a fork lift?

Food, if used correctly.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/angstlicheameise
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2022
🚨︎ report
How would you describe a pacifist from India?

Naan violent

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jodadda
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2022
🚨︎ report
Why do bouncers throw violent drunks out the back door?

Because they belong behind bars.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Shu-di
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US

Then he will be rolling in his grave.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/siddharthverse
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2022
🚨︎ report
Violence is never the answer

Unless the question is, β€œWhat is never the answer?”

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mommyof4Kings
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2022
🚨︎ report
What is the most dangerous type of light

Ultra violent

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IceSad1109
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2022
🚨︎ report
Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year...

...so that’s just being hippocritical.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/808gecko808
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2022
🚨︎ report
I have a pHd in zoology with a specialty in marsupials. Most people don't know that there are two things that make wombats special.
  1. They poop cubes. Seriously, look it up! It's wild. And 2. Just like otters, when they sleep, they hold hands. It's not as cute as you'd expect, it's honestly pretty violent. It's essentially hand-to-hand wombat.
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ericmbailey
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2022
🚨︎ report
I am an abusive and violent guy.

I beat my eggs daily.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/supreme__shrek
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Whats worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Being violently beaten to death with an axe.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2022
🚨︎ report
Teacher, you wouldn't punish me for something I didn't do, right?

That's great, because I didn't do my homework!!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sammin4932
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2022
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FancyAlligator
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2022
🚨︎ report
Violent crime has increased with the rate of people made joyous by the central part of an apple.

But then again, core elation is not causation.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/incredibleinkpen
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the cab driver get bludgeoned to death by the IRS?

Because they commited taxi-vasion.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/puddle_unhinged
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2022
🚨︎ report
I’m reading a horror story in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bruggemb
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2022
🚨︎ report
Takes aggressively violent bow
πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jrum7000
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
That cycle is violent.
πŸ‘︎ 63
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRedBlade
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
🚨︎ report
"Not violent"Did you hear about the kidnapping in school?

The teacher had to wake him up

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Pandas are very violent creatures when they're brought in for visits

Everyone knows a panda eats shoots and leaves.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xwhy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I was going to tell a joke about sodium and oxygen

But I'm afraid I'd get a violent reaction

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/graphicc_yt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Where I grew up, we had back-to-back violent attempts to overthrow the government.

It was coup coup

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/asiers
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Violent Veggies
πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/switzerswift
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Excuse me, doctor - my husband was rushed in with violent spasms in his buttocks. Where is he please?

ICU baby, shaking that ass

πŸ‘︎ 50
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CPike90
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did an angry, violent, antisocial student bring a drug syringe to class?

He wanted to shoot up the school.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2018
🚨︎ report
Why does Hollywood always portray Werewolves as evil and violent?

It's just a lazy lycan-trope.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dogmanistrator
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2018
🚨︎ report
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.

He said it was the most violent book he's ever read

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/udisclosed5476
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2022
🚨︎ report
I'm vacationing in a part of Puerto Rico know for violent crime, so I borrowed some of my friend's xanax.

He told me it's great at preventing Hispanic attacks.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I had a marriage counselling session with my wife and we were prescribed Marital Arts classes, after which our relation became more violent...

I'm starting to think the therapist didn't make a spelling mistake.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend always gets angry and violent when he's in a dinghy race...

He has rowed rage.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report
β€œDoc, my wife was just admitted to the hospital with violent butt spasms. Do you know where she is?”

Doctor: ICU baby, shaking that ass.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
🚨︎ report
My 8yr old daughter got me with "I can breathe under water"

She filled a cup of water placed it on her head and began to violently and rapidly breathe in and out. The force is strong with her.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/theevildave
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year...

...so that’s just being hippocritical...

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house

They snuck from their beds in the middle of the night and met in the gloomy darkness in front of the house, shivering in the cold.

The first boy said in a loud whisper, "You guys bring anything?" He slid a gun out of his pocket. The second boy nodded and revealed a knife. The third boy pulled out a flashlight.

"You didn't bring a weapon?" the first boy asked. He shrugged and replied, "Sorry". And as if to prove it, he turned his pockets out to show nothing but stray lint and a pack of cough drops.

They crept in. The door shut behind them. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. The flash light clicked on. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door on the other side, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a dead body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They found a fully set, ornate dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal goblets, pitchers and silverware adorned the table. Spiders crept over ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hel

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 96
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2021
🚨︎ report

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