Its a poulterheist
... I’ve been playing too much phasmophobia
This was before I learned the true meaning of “safe sex.”
Needless to say, my plans were foiled
He raised the bar.
They just arrived. Safe and sound
Found this on a text message from someone's actual dad
I felt rubbish.
The buyers loved that it was fully fernished with a vaulted ceiling
That’s my own dam vault.
Dr. Prepper
Sorry, it's my vault.
Me: Dad, do you need these?
Dad (with a shit-eating grin): YES! In fact, I was going to put them in the bank. Then it would be a pole vault!
Bonus rebuttal! My husband (not a dad): Look, do you want us to help you or not?
a re-vault
This is from an actual IM chat I had with someone a while back. This was all on impulse. Nothing was planned.
ME: The main reason you want a strong lock is not because they're unbreakable, but because your neighbor should be the easier target.
HIM: Ayup. Although if you want an impenetrable lock, might I recommend Benson's Black Hole Vaults?
ME: I'd want to be able to get my stuff out, again, too.
HIM: Wait long enough. It'll evaporate out.
ME: ... in the same state in which I deposited it in the vault.
HIM: Don't want much, do you?
ME: I could try to sell the stuff in its evaporated state ... But I don't like hawking radiation.
HIM: boo HISS
My girlfriend works at the bank. "Why is the vault so cold?" "Well because if the money gets warm it gets soft." "Really?" "Yeah. People want cold, hard cash."
