Vaulted Puns

I said: ''I thought you were coming dressed as an apology?'' He said: 'Well, I thought I'd better be safe than sorry''.

Its a poulterheist

... I’ve been playing too much phasmophobia

This was before I learned the true meaning of “safe sex.”

Needless to say, my plans were foiled

He raised the bar.

When he arrives he sees the security guard at his desk, sobbing

“I c-can’t believe the boss forgot my b-b-birthday”

Seeing this opportunity, the thief sneaks round to the back steals the security codes and goes to access the vault.

Unfortunately for the thief, the head of the bank was busy giving a tour to some possible investors and is at the vault.

Upon seeing the thief (who is stupidly dressed in horizontal black and white stripes) he exclaims, “HOW DID YOU GET PAST MY SECURITY!!?!”

To which the thief replies, “You let your guard down”

They just arrived. Safe and sound

Found this on a text message from someone's actual dad

The buyers loved that it was fully fernished with a vaulted ceiling

I felt rubbish.

But I lost interest.

That’s my own dam vault.

Dr. Prepper

Me: Dad, do you need these?

Dad (with a shit-eating grin): YES! In fact, I was going to put them in the bank. Then it would be a pole vault!

Bonus rebuttal! My husband (not a dad): Look, do you want us to help you or not?

Sorry, it's my vault.

a re-vault

This is from an actual IM chat I had with someone a while back. This was all on impulse. Nothing was planned.

ME: The main reason you want a strong lock is not because they're unbreakable, but because your neighbor should be the easier target.

HIM: Ayup. Although if you want an impenetrable lock, might I recommend Benson's Black Hole Vaults?

ME: I'd want to be able to get my stuff out, again, too.

HIM: Wait long enough. It'll evaporate out.

ME: ... in the same state in which I deposited it in the vault.

HIM: Don't want much, do you?

ME: I could try to sell the stuff in its evaporated state ... But I don't like hawking radiation.

HIM: boo HISS

My girlfriend works at the bank. "Why is the vault so cold?" "Well because if the money gets warm it gets soft." "Really?" "Yeah. People want cold, hard cash."