We were utterly defeated by 2020

Because next year is 2020 won.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
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Did you hear about the 80s singer who was utterly unyielding in attitude or opinion in spite of all appeals?

He was AdamAnt.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/anarchyinyourhead
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
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I just lost my job at the calendar factory... I am utterly confused.

All I did was take a day off...

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DevonWhiteTurnUp
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
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These cows are really milking the shade. Utterly ridiculous.
πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MackAttack815
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2017
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Cows are utterly nourishing.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kennedystyle
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2019
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I was food shopping with my wife when I came across something that was utterly shocking…

"Look at this!" I said. "It contains 95% fat!"

She replied, "You're just pointing at me in a mirror."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2017
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The sleeper agent dad

My family and I were out for brunch at a somewhat fancy hotel restaurant. It was a buffet and they had set up the desserts in the wine cellar/room.

My dad, nearing the end of his meal, asks "Where's the dessert?"

I point and say, "In the wine cellar" but in between the cellar and me is my mom and it looks like I'm pointing to her.

Dad responds with, "Sell her? I still need her though."

I sat there a little awestruck since he's never really been one to utter puns. I crack them all the time but I guess every dad has dad jokes in them; they're just waiting for the right time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tunzor
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2014
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I live in an area where cows are fairly common

Dad: Oh my God. Look at that! (starts pointing frantically)

Me: What? What! What is it! What am I looking at?

Dad: The cows! Don't you see them?

Me: Yea, i see them a lot, nothing special...

Dad: Nothing special?!?!? Why, they are UTTERLY fantastic!!

And then proceeds to make other utter puns until he cries of joy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dudeofdar
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2013
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Who can order someone to impale their homie's grandmother by simply uttering their name?

Pierce Bro'sNan

Aight, imma head out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AbstruseAnon
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2021
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What do you call a cow that cannot produce milk?

A milk dud or an utter failure?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2021
🚨︎ report
A man was driving down the road when his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before.

The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night; he tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk.” The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks." In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive; his life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/QualityProof
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2021
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Never trust a jellyfish with anything important

They're utterly spineless

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xtilexx
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2021
🚨︎ report
I once slept with a girl I met during a festival, but we didn’t utter a word to each other before, during or after.

And I must say, it made it rather in-tents.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/archiewalton09
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
The Utter Balm
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πŸ‘€︎ u/diamondchewtoy
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Without coins, the US currency would be utter non-cents
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mahlerguy2000
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
🚨︎ report
I miss my mother-in-law every single day

My aim is total and utter garbage. Maybe I should kick my alcohol addiction first.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cabebil
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Player: β€œThis is Utter Balderdash” DM: β€œWell, Actually...”
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thickhourglass
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I yelled β€œCOW” at a woman on a bike.

She flipped me off then hit the cow.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordCinko
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do Cows wear the bells

Because their horns don't work. Β―_(ツ)_/Β―

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JNaik14
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to be afraid of cows.

I mooved past it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotmama1230
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the cow that tried to jump a barbed wire fence?

Utter disaster.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Super4rank
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Why don't cows wear shoes ?

They lactose. ( lack toes ? ) . I'll see my self out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Boshman420
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.

I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.

Edit: corrected an udder failure.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
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Keep cows well hydrated

Otherwise, they turn into real jerkies.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wyllyam1111
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/roke619
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My five year old daughter, wearing a Sleeping Beauty dress, casually playing with Legos: "ROAR ROAR ROARRRR!"

Me: "Are you roaring at me or is that a Lego monster?"

Her: "Its me."

Me: "Why are you roaring at me?"

Her: "Because I'm Aurora!"

My five year old daughter, everyone. She came up with that on her own. I've never felt more proud!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/someredditorguy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you ever wonder if a cow thinks her calf who won't nurse.....

Is an utter disappointment?

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
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I Guess the Steaks are High When You Drive Down This Road
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
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Settle a pun debate

I asked two friends for the best pun Bond would utter if he'd just shoved a bad guy into a huge industrial deep-fat fryer. Their responses were:

Friend #1: "Play with fryer, get burnt.
(Isn't there an old saying of don't play with fire unless you want to get burnt?)"

Friend #2: "Why is my instinct to say cool off there?
Let's assume it's christmas. 'Thats a real Crisped Kringle' is what I'd say
Or do I know the guy's dad? Let's say I do. 'Youre a chip of the old block'"

I know, I need new friends. Do me a favour redditors and please tell me whose pun is least awful? And if you have any better ones, I'm all ears! (Mine was "Thank God it's fry day", I'm sure you can all do better).

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πŸ‘€︎ u/creaky_thumbs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
BREAKING: The Supreme Court ruled in favor of Dad Jokes.

They deemed it cool and amusable pun-ishment

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πŸ‘€︎ u/clifwith1f
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a male milk maid?

An utter gentleman.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/keyrover
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I hate my cow...

Hasn’t even been making milk! It’s an utter failure.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/magmaraptor
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does milking stool only have three legs?

Because the cow has the utter

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πŸ‘€︎ u/11CaptainRex
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad pulled the best (and only) dad joke I've ever heard him utter while we were assembling ginger bread houses.

Some family friends of ours needed our help mass producing some ginger bread houses for an event they do every year. They make an insane amount of pieces, so they need help cutting out the doors, windows, and over all assembly. The family friend, my dad, and myself were all cutting out windows and doors when this happened:

Me: Aw man, one of these pieces just broke.

Family Friend: It's alright, we have extra. But every time I see one fall apart I see 30 minutes of my life go away.

Dad: Well I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Me: loses it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SteveTheViking
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2014
🚨︎ report
I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up…

Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, 'Dad'.

With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad.

She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.

She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.

I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.

Call when it is safe for me to come home!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2017
🚨︎ report
I’m like a cow in tall grass,

I’m utterly tickled to be here.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kentfanatic
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I always hated my step-dad growing up. Now that I'm a dad myself, I can totally one-up him with DAD JOKES!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KyronX
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
🚨︎ report
What kind of bee makes milk?

A Boobie!! Ahahah

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrazyRacey
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Cows can't keep secrets.

You tell one, pretty soon they all herd.

It's a bunch of bull, really.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Upon receiving his meal at a restaurant,

The practitioner uttered through a smile, β€œjust what the doctor ordered”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Replicatar
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Indian bread is very unique.

There's naan like it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a cow that can't moo?

A milk dud

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brady01234
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
What happens when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence?

Utter destruction.

πŸ‘︎ 392
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sasha678910
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What happened when the cow jumped over the barbed wire fence

Utter destruction

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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