Twenty Three Puns

He hiked several miles to a farmhouse, and asked the farmer if there was a place he could stay overnight.

“Sure,” said the farmer, “my wife died several years ago, and my two daughters are twenty-one and twenty-three, but they’re off to college, and I’m all by myself, so I have lots of room to put you up.”

Hearing this, the salesman turned around and started walking back toward the highway.

The farmer called after him,“Didn’t you hear what I said? I have lots of room.”

“I heard you,” said the salesman, “but I think I’m in the wrong joke.”

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

Just saw this on facebook...

A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a ‘funeral director.’ After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a funeral director. The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse carriers. With a smile on her face she explained, ‘I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.’

Important to know: Three of my grandparents grew up in Indiana, the other in Ohio. People from Ohio get made fun of a lot in Indiana. They're nicknamed Buckeyes.

My dad asked where I've been applying to jobs, when I told him I'm looking to move to Cincinnati, Ohio. Then he says, "Ohio? You're gonna be a full blood Buckeye yet! No wait, a one and a quarter! A dollar twenty-five!" Then he laughed so hard that he had to pass the phone to my mother. The last time I heard him laugh that hard, he was watching the Three Stooges.