I’ve started turning puns into homemade action figures.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
How do you turn six into nine?
The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...
"...40 second birthday".
I was so proud.
I just went the doctors, turns out I’m colourblind
The results came completely out of the purple!
I heard that by law you need to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden
How the hell am I supposed to know when it’s raining in Sweden?
Which way do dildos turn?
How do you turn a fox into a cow?
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow
This pun is a Cut above the rest
A big light switch is a major turn-on
I just downloaded the new app which will evaluate you bank account and tell you which Apple product you can afford. Turns out I can afford,
One sloth turned and said to the other, "I used to dislike moss...
...but now I think it's growing on me."
My partner turned 40 today so I gave him some red, red wine and told him
Most people consider the Battle of Gettysburg the turning point of the American Civil War
For the Confederacy, it all went South from there
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
Son: Dad, can you see if my turn signals are working?
Dad: YES... no...YES...no...YES...no...
A husband and wife were at a marriage counselor. The wife complained, "he only talks about Star Wars! I've had it. I'm leaving him!" The counselor turned to the husband: "well?"
The husband looked at his wife and said, "divorce is strong with this one."
The day my daughter turns 18, I’m going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:
“Well, I guess now you really are… independent"
Got a new tattoo
My wife was complaining about how i'm not spontanious or creative, unless it involves terrible jokes, so i went out and got a tattoo (my first one). But since im not very creative i had them tattoo a pic of my thermos from work. I went home all excited and showed her my new tattoo! She was really confused about it. She looked at it for awhile and when she went to touch it i yelled at her not to touch the thermos tat. I think she's leaving me now :(
Turn your sofa into a sofa bed immediately....
....by forgetting your wife's birthday.
What sticks up when you turn it on?
My Tinder date turned out to be shorter than his bio said.
I guess he was telling some tall tales.
One melon turns to the other and asks, "Will you marry me?"
The other responds, "Yes, but we cantaloupe."
Why does the owl turn off it's phone at night?
So it doesn't get any hooty calls.
Why is it illegal to do reverse cowgirl in Alabama?
Because you don’t turn your back on family.
I accidentally turned a wrong valve in the factory which disabled the central cooling system and increased the temperature abruptly. I wasn't able to do anything, so I fled the scene immediately.
The police are now charging me for a 'Heat and Run' incident.
What's it called when a buffalo turns two hundred years old?
Two burglars are robbing a liquor store. One turns to the other and asks "Is this whiskey" ?
The other replies, "Yeah, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank"
A fog rolled in and turned my car into gold!
Must have been an alche-mist.
A thief broke into a guy's house, stole his stuff, killed the man, and turned him into a large cup…
What do you call it when Vanna White turns a letter other than a consonant?
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn’t see himself doing it.
How do you turn a T into P?
What do you after an Apple turns bad?
Haven't got laid in so long I'm getting turned on by Dwayne Johnson's buttocks
I think I'm hitting ROCK BOTTOM
My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied back: “Sure, my door is always open.”
How do you turn a friar into a high priest?
Funny how in the past everyone owned horses and only the rich owned cars, and now everyone has cars and only the rich have horses...
My how the stables have turned.
Edit: Wow guys, thanks for all the love!
Bent hoses turn me on...
I'm just kinky like that.
My wife spilled tea on herself, and without a moments hesitation, turned to me and said...
“I’ve tea’d myself!”
Proud hubby here!
I asked my local locksmith why he's still open during these crazy times. Turns out he's a key worker.
So is the piano shop owner next door.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
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