Recently totalled my Truck into a Kia. Someone asked how bad was it?

It was a soul crushing accident.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/observer2017
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2018
🚨︎ report
I have a friend and every time I make a play on words he always makes a better one

Total pun-upper

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yourmomophobe
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I made a Venn Diagram to explain my pun usage...

So storytime... My wife and I were talking about my overuse of puns, and food/cheese puns in particularly (that's goud-a but this one's feta, etc.) I ended up drawing a Venn diagram.

The largest circle was my total puns, inside it was a second circle representing food puns, with a third showing cheese puns. I was trying to show that a majority of all of my puns are food related, and many of those are cheese related.

Something like this: http://i.imgur.com/nPdi07H.jpg

My wife immediately told me I did it wrong, that some of the cheese circle was outside of the food puns.

I told her that those are rare, but are often the cheesiest.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xahhfink6
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2017
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend totally changed when she became a vegan

It's like I never knew herbivore.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pattersonjeffa
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
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While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said β€œShe obviously has COVID!” β€œWhy would you think that?” I asked.

β€œBecause she has no taste.”

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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My lumberjack friend told me that he'd cut down a total of 13,207 trees.

When I asked how he managed to keep count,

He replied, "I keep a log"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DementedOak
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
If you change word "Love" to "Lunch", you can totally change the meaning of a lot of songs.

All You Need Is Lunch

Do You Believe In Life After Lunch

Lunch In An Elevator

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SplashbackDeuce
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
I mean... ;)
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/parth_shresth
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Couldn't understand why my dog was totally motionless....

Then I realised, it was on paws.

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I totaled my Toyota the other day, and it burst into flames...

It was a gorgeous shade of red before; now it’s just a burnt Sienna.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sully1227
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I was part of a class and i total , we were 100 students. I walked up to the front of the class , and wrote :"balloons" on the white board. So...

The other 99 read balloons.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bloodoolf
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife came back from the store complaining about how the lady at the register was a total bitch.

I asked her if she was at self check out. Looks like I'm sleeping on the couch.

πŸ‘︎ 84
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaddyRecon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I think whoever made this book is a total quack
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSonsofAtreus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of car does the moon drive?

An Eclipse.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JaykDoe
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero.

But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get involved.

πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a new clock. Total waste of money.

It’s spends all day doing tik toks.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigpapastu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Four Seasons Total Lawn Care created some good ones after the bizarre press conference Saturday such as "Lawn and Order" and "Make America Rake Again" - I don't see them using this one on their promotional materials though:
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danarchist
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Breaking News. Total caos and panic as Germans are flooding supermarkets to buy sausages and cheese

That’s a wurst kase scenario

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fabio2598
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
After all this home schooling, my kid finally lost control
πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PrettyPeeved
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
I went totally bald overnight

You know what they say, hair today gone tomorrow

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yoru
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
totally not his fault, can understand
πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Banoooooooo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Yep, totally

-Why do you want a Ford?

-Because its af-Ford-able!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KermitxKermit
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
What should you do if you see a space man?

Park in it, man.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bishslap
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
From Berlin to Warsaw in one tank
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RuskiWafl
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
A Totally Not Boaring Fact About Pigs
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChumpsLand
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I've offered my elderly neighbour $20 to try out her stair lift.

I think she's going to take me up on it.

πŸ‘︎ 85
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Like a good Grandpa I share with my 12 yr old Grandson the amazement of r/dadjokes regularly. He thinks you all are totally cool. I told him there is much power here. How? He asked. Let me demonstrate... With the diahrrea song.. I'll start.

Some people think it's gross but it's really good on toast. Diahrrea...

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tekprojekt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Just what is it about all the Psychics that I visit, they're either totally depressed or too excitable..

..it's really hard to find the happy Medium.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Poor dude must be spaced out.
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BitchyOlive
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Totally not sponsored...
πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Geert-Jan333
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What language does an unhappy toddler speak?

Whine-ese.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GovernorZipper
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Noah it All
πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RogueDisciple
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Pre- means before. Post- means after. To use both prefixes together,

...would be preposterous

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amar610
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
such build-up, totally worth it.
πŸ‘︎ 246
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πŸ‘€︎ u/12jd
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
🚨︎ report
More than 1 000 pieces of music by Johann Sebastian Bach have been preserved,

along with nearly 900 by Carl Philipp Emanuel Bach, nearly 400 by Johann Christian Bach, more than 300 by Johann Christoph Friedrich Bach, and nearly 200 by Wilhelm Friedemann Bach.

Together with as many as 200 more surviving compositions by other members of the Bach dynasty, scholars estimate that about 3 000 works are preserved in total, a collection that we today know as the Baroque Bach mountain.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MetaEd
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
🚨︎ report
2020 can’t end

Because we’d be admitting 2021.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/T_fiki
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My 5yo blew us away with this original that he came up with all on his own. What do you call two ice dragons?

Twice dragons.

Update: honestly thank you everyone, you guys are totally making this kids day! Distance learning in kindergarten has been rough and he misses seeing his friends pretty hard, so when I told him about this (I was able to use β€œWreck-It Ralph : Ralph breaks the Internet” and buzz tube with likes/hearts as a reference) he’s been smiling from ear to ear nonstop since! A million thankyouβ€˜s for the kind words and awards.

πŸ‘︎ 300
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jruff84
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
🚨︎ report
The cashier chuckled when he rang up my total.

I really wish he would stop laughing at me expense.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Duck_in_a_Toaster
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Crypto-currency has become so popular in Iceland that bit-mining has now overtaken the country’s music industry in total bandwidth usage.

This comes as little surprise however, as Iceland’s BjΓΆrk has always been worse than their byte.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ReviveTheCronut
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What should you do if life gives you melons?

Get your eyes checked.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report
I promised my classmate I’d stay totally still whilst he did his maths homework against my back.

β€œGood” he said, β€œbecause I’m counting on you”.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KikkoAndMoonman
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Totally toasted
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vylexx
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
🚨︎ report
A total dad joke I made up last night- What do you call an avocado that's giving you the silent treatment?

An Incommunicado

Eh?!

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mdooles11
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why were people so interested in plumbing during the 80s?

Because it was totally tubular

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/patoreddit
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
🚨︎ report
There's just no reason for women to behave the way they do when they're on their period....

Total ovary action.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
I was driving absentmindedly and my wife suddenly said, β€œHey, you missed a right!”

I said, β€œThanks babe. You Mrs. Right!”

πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to be addicted to soap

I’m totally clean now, though!

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smolprincess928
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Totally white.
πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Account_Priv
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you know why divers fall backwards into the water

If they fall forwards they will fall into the boat

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_dont_know55
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report

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