All my years of adding zeroes have amounted to nothing.
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedditingDino
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
🚨︎ report
My doctor thanked me for submitting the minimum amount of feces for my stool sample

I told him it was the least I could doo

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/unclerudy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Tirelessly
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sapio-Textual
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you estimate the amounts of dogs in the world precisely?

You can't. You have to do it ruffly.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ligmapolls
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do military bases have such little amounts of insects?

Because they are strict no-fly zones.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/minecraftepic420
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Nice amount of tape
πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stont753
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2020
🚨︎ report
An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first asks for a pint of beer. The second asks for 1/2 of a pint of beer. The third asks for 1/4 of a pint of beer, etc.

The bartender fills 2 pints of beer, and walks away.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Good_Creeper
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s the max amount of toilet paper you can have?

A butt load.

From my pops. He’s very proud.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kentuckywisdom
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the cops that found large amounts of weed hidden in a bra?

Apparently, it was their biggest bust

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zsm1994
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I rememeber when my teacher said I'll never amount to anything in life

He was right. I am now unemployed making jokes on Reddit

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Energetically17
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the Grinch know to average all of the presents he stole, so that each Who in Whoville got the same amount returned to them?

He’s a mean one, Mr. Grinch.

πŸ‘︎ 93
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Saetric
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Lately my wife has become increasingly frustrated with the amount of geriatric patients she’s been seeing...

It’s getting old

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tico46
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you know why the amount of traffic accidents is so high in Washington?

Because the people there can't Seattle.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TinzaX
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
🚨︎ report
More name woes...
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slipstreme
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Quick aside. If admiral ackbar contracted a minnow-scule amount of salmon-ella poisson-ing while tuna-ing his guitar on his carp-et, would he instead need to use his bass tonight?
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joker-here
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do people never admit to being just the right amount of whelmed?
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I dad jokes my dentist while she was actively working on me.

Scene- Me, at dentist, having teeth removed. She was having a bit of trouble with some of them and this was while she had instruments in my mouth. There's some pain after maximum amount of anesthetic she can give me. Asks me how I'm doing.

Me- There is some pain in the teeth after numbing but it isn't anything I can handle.

Dentist- Last time you were here we didn't have a problem but this time your teeth are being a major pain in the butt.

Me- My teeth are a pain in the butt? No wonder people say I talk out of my ass way too much.

She had to stop for a bit to finish laughing.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nodnarb232001
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
The amount of fun I had while reading this is astronomical
πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nerooooooo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Having gay parents must be horrible

You either get twice the amount of dad jokes or you get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom."

Edit: On another Sub someone called me a homophobe. I want to say I'm not a homophobe it was simply a light hearted joke. I'm gay myself and wouldn't want to create hate or controversy. So sorry if I offended anyone.

Edit 2: Thanks for giving me my first award.

Edit 3: if you have heard it else where then fine Like this one guy in the comments said "I’ve seen it a few times but no doubt many people haven’t. No reason a good joke can’t be posted bc someone’s posted it in the past."

Edit 4: making too many edits but thanks for the gold kind stranger (And all of them means alot)

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SergeantSolar
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
🚨︎ report
In a village, far far away, two farmers often had a competition within themselves to see who harvests the most every 6 months.

After failing to win for about 9 times in a row, Jaime, hired a spy who will go and check Jack's harvest the night before the contest so he can harvest more. As the spy came back the night before, he informed the farmer Jaime about the amount that he saw inside Jack's yard but he was not able to tell the amount in exact. Jaime took the spy to his paddy field, gave him some extra money than what they initially agreed upon and said...

"You reap what you saw".

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MShafiSatthar
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
🚨︎ report
The amount of wind in Chicago really...

Blows me away.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ClickedRandomly
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
🚨︎ report
The amount of cabbage is directly proportional to the square root of the carrots divided by the volume of the Mayo.

That’s Cole’s Law.

πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
🚨︎ report
$52.95 is an oddly specific amount of money...

But $52.94 is an evenly specific amount of money

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThoseMovieGuys
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Why was the short mother only paid the smallest amount legally allowed?

Cause she was on mini-mum wage

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/M0NTEA
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
My family said I'd never amount to anything, but then I discovered the secret to invisibility.

If only they could see me now.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
🚨︎ report
The amount of work put into this must have been TIREing
πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yashT19
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2018
🚨︎ report
My friend asked me how many clowns I saw at the carnival today and I said

A fair amount.

πŸ‘︎ 113
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theonlyMOONMAN
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What do Canadians say when they see a large amount of coffee?

That’s a lot, eh

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RyanRebalkin
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2018
🚨︎ report
All Chemistry exam questions contain trace amounts of the element of surprise.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ablufia
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Tater tots that you put aside for a small amount of time become later tots

But if you forget about them too long, they become tater rots...

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrewsTravelers365
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2018
🚨︎ report
A young man wants to become a lumberjack, so he goes to the forest and starts chopping.

After a few days of doing this, he realizes he is simply not fit for this type of job. On his final day of trying to chop down trees, he notices an old scrawny man chopping down trees as if he was a woodpecker, the amount of hits he made grew more and more each swing. The first swing was one hit, the next, ten hits, the next one, a hundred hits, and the next one after that, a thousand. He kept swinging until the tree he was swinging at was chopped down. Amazed, the young man walks over to the old man and asks, "Sir, what is your secret, how do you chop them down so quickly?"

The old man turns and says, "It's all about the rhythm." Puzzled by the old man's answer, the young man returned home pondering what he said.

The next morning, he was motivated to keep trying to be a lumberjack. "If an old scrawny man can do it, so can I!" he thought.

So he went back to the forest, and tried to use his advice. Trying to time each swing, he realizes this simply doesn't work. Later in the day, he sees the old man again, comes up to him, and asks, "I tried to time my swings, but it does no more than just chopping normally. How do you do it?"

"You can't just make up any old rhythm and follow it, you have to find a very specific one," he says, "you have to find the Logger-rhythm."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaximusMatrix
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
🚨︎ report
To the guy that invented zero:

Thanks for nothing.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lilsnop
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2017
🚨︎ report
I'm bald and im going to get a head tattoo of multiple rabbits

So from a distance it looks like hares

πŸ‘︎ 494
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BiscuitaBoyo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I'll just leave this here
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Unsterbbar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
🚨︎ report
How does a democrat apply lotion?

By applying a liberal amount.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLonelyKerbal
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Full of constant puns, tomfoolery and an extreme amount of cross-contamination; this video has it all. You may even learn to cook too! Wok With Yan youtube.com/watch?v=PTjwT…
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SilkKringle
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I lent a girl my umbrella yesterday

now the amount of girls I made wet this year is -1. :(

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Amossycar
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend died by consuming excess amounts of Calcium Carbonate.

He chalked himself to death.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
🚨︎ report
No amount of sleep can cure insomnia.
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Today has been absolutely amazing. The amount of joy I've experienced is uncountable!

Happy Ο€ day!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGayWildGoose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I put in the minimum amount of energy possible coming up with this pun
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/steve_ideas
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2018
🚨︎ report
In my family, we like to ridicule whoever gets the fewest amount of gifts at Christmas.

(This is a true story.)

Usually this is my Dad. My Mom will be opening presents all day, and Dad is done after he unwraps his three gifts.

We really give him a hard time and he loves it. He's a champ.

Well one year, we're opening gifts, and my brother's got almost nothing in his little pile. He had recently bought a house and his main gift was a garden hose.

This is exciting because we're gonna just tear into him. He is a good sport and he is ready to bask in the glory of his Christmas failure.

We finish the unwrapping and my Dad looks over to him and says "Well son, you really got hosed this year".

P.S. I am x-posting my own comment from an AskReddit thread at someone's suggestion, and definitely NOT in a shameless quest for karma.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jbenz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
🚨︎ report
Went right over head
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bas524
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
🚨︎ report
A weasel walks in to a bar. "What'll it be?" Asks the barman.

POP Goes the weasel

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Randyaster
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2020
🚨︎ report
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?

They use a Sven Diagram.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Targetsb
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
🚨︎ report
What bird is constantly surprised by the amount of insects.

Cormorant

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/summinspicy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Another COVID-19 Pun

What do we call the large amounts of food we've hoarder to prepare for the quarantine?

A Coronacopia

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jcsulser
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
🚨︎ report
To the man who invented 0

Thanks for nothing

Edit: thanks so much stranger for the silver! My first silver award!

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jtrad_24
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2019
🚨︎ report
What state has the least amount of babies?

Virginia

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shadow31802
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2018
🚨︎ report
the other day I was looking up secret places to work out

thought it would be pretty crappy, but there are a fair amount of hidden gyms

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scooopofpeas
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me I’d never amount to anything because I procrastinate too much…

I said, β€œOh, yeah? Just you wait.”

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2017
🚨︎ report
My calculus professor was 16 minutes late to his first class, 8 minutes late to his second, and 4 minutes late to the third.

At this rate, he will never be in class on time.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
🚨︎ report
How many egg puns can I fit into a few sentences?

Well, I can roll out dozens of eggscruitating egg puns in just the first sentence alone. But the second one is where I start to crack you up from the amount of egg puns that were in the first sentence. By the third sentence your brain will be scrambled from the amount of egg puns that I cracked while just simply talking.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dream0nforever
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What type of food wears the least amount of clothes?

Nudels!

Works best while eating or watching someone eat noodles.

πŸ‘︎ 118
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chelseadaggered
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2016
🚨︎ report
Metal
πŸ‘︎ 104
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Viotech_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife insists that guys in camouflage look sexy.

I just don’t see it.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
🚨︎ report
What is the most religious amount?

Nun

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SubMGK
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2018
🚨︎ report
The cashier gave me some coins back after I gave her the exact amount.

I looked at her confused with the coins in my hand and said,

"I paid the exact total. This makes no cents."

πŸ‘︎ 265
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnFancyPants
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2015
🚨︎ report
Girlfriend: "The amount of ducks you have here is ridiculous..."

Me: "You mean reduckulous..."

πŸ‘︎ 146
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BopNiblets
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2014
🚨︎ report
Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest

After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of their choice, and whoever received the most karma for it would win.

Adam, already undecided himself, decided to go to /r/AskReddit. He laid out the agreement, and asked that everyone vote one their favorite movie, and the one with the most votes he would use for the his friends. Unfortunately, as the votes were split in that sub, his highest post amounted to a mere 38 points.

Paul, a big proponent for the Toy Story franchise, posted to /r/nostalgia in the hopes that everyone who grew up with Toy Story would agree. Unfortunately, as there had been two sequels (with a third on the way) it wasn't exactly considered "nostalgia" and he got downvoted into oblivion.

Bill, who loved Monsters Inc., made his case using some trickery. Going to /r/news, he found a seemingly unrelated post, and made a top-level comment describing, in great detail, why Monsters Inc. was the greatest film of all time. The fact that the post was so out of context made everyone flock to it, and drew enough attention to new him over a thousand fake internet points.

Mike, who loved the Incredibles movies, decided to stay in his wheelhouse. Over the course of several hours, he created each of the family members from the Incredibles in Soulcaliber VI. Finally, he photoshopped the family together, and posted it to /r/gaming. Under normal circumstances this would have skyrocketed to the top, but the format was stale, and thus only received 20k karma. Still, Mike was confident in his victory.

While the other four friends came up with plans on how to maximize their karma gains, Chris sat silently. For hours he sat, making no posts, coming up with no original content. Finally, an hour before the deadline, he broke into his neighbor's house, stealing his copy of the Pixar movie "Up". He took a picture of his theft and posted it directly to /r/dadjokes with the title "STOLEN".

When the group got together the next day to see who got the most votes, everyone was in awe. Chris's post had over 40,000 points. "How did you know that would win?" "Easy," Chris replied. "Everyone knows stolen content on /r/dadjokes gets all the Up votes."

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
🚨︎ report
I can count the amount of times Ive been to Chernobyl on one hand

It's 8

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/natteulven
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2018
🚨︎ report
What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up?

The mean increases.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timoteostewart
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2018
🚨︎ report
A friend once told me he ingested a large amount of counterfeit coins to avoid being caught with them...

he was full of non-cents.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Floodlight
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2015
🚨︎ report
On which side does a dog have the least amount of hair?

on the inside.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jwsmelt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call a small amount of cinnamon?

A cinnaminimal amount.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/appa-ate-momo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2017
🚨︎ report
Why did the breath freshener turn red and run out of the room?

It had a large amount of embarrass-mint.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/airsabe
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm a shell of a man

Snail slides into a Tesla dealership after seeing Elon Musk on TV. Inches his way up to a salesperson. Snail asks to go on a test drive, the sales person shrugs, says sure, why not. It's been a slow day.

After it's over, snail is impressed. "I gotta get one of these!

Saleswoman asks if he can afford it. He is, after all, a snail. Snail retreats into his shell comes out with a wad of cash, the exact amount for the car.

"Yeah lady, I can pay! Can I get it customized?"

The woman says of course, but it'll cost more. Snail whips out more dough.

Snail says "Paint it with pink S's all over the vehicle!"

The saleswoman says sure and asks why.

The snail says "When I'm driving around, I want people to say 'WOW! Look at that fast, pink electric S-car go!'"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/earthwulf
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
🚨︎ report
In the UK "tuppence" refers to a small amount of money and is shorthand for a woman's vagina. In the US Trump-Pence involves a lot of money and describes a pair of penises.

https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/tuppence

http://www.cnn.com/2016/07/14/politics/donald-trump-vice-presidential-choice/

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingBooRadley
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2016
🚨︎ report
A moth goes to the doctor...

After waiting an incredibly long amount of time in the waiting room, he gets seen by the nurse practitioner. She checks his vitals and says β€œthe doctor will be in momentarily.”

So the moth waits quite a long time for the doctor, but he finally comes in. Of course in usual fashion the doctor apologies for taking so long.

Doctor: β€œSo what brings you in today?”

Moth: β€œWell, you know, Doc, I haven’t been feeling myself lately.”

Doctor: β€œWhat do you mean? Elaborate.”

Moth: β€œI just don’t feel myself. I’ve been hit with depression a lot lately and I just don’t feel myself.”

Doctor: β€œIt sounds to me like you really need to see a Psychologist instead of me. I’m just a general doctor.”

Moth: β€œYeah, I know.”

Doctor: β€œThen why did you wait so long to see me for this?”

Moth: β€œThe light was on.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mektafier
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Not to brag, but yesterday I beat the state chess champion in less than five moves.

Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2018
🚨︎ report
All credit to @punbible on insta
πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AMswag123
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2019
🚨︎ report
A guy sets a world record for farting in a police car the most amount of times in a row. What else did he set?

A criminal record.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dusterbusterv1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2017
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What is the smartest amount of beer you can drink?

Ein Stein!

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Onoj88
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2015
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What do you call the minimum amount of potatoes for Sunday dinner?

A critical mash.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/electropriest
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2017
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Stupid crackers! You'll never amount to anything! What are you, anyway? Flour, salt, and what? You're nothing!

When my wife finally asked what I was doing, yelling at a bag of crackers, I explained that the recipe called for 30 crushed crackers.

That happened 2 days ago. By coincidence, we had another recipe for dinner that required crushed crackers, and my wife made sure I understood that it meant physically, not verbally.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spongebue
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2015
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I ate a really ridiculous amount of pasta today...

Seriously, it was pre-pasta-rous!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/imadeaname
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2015
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"Sweetie the amount of food you left on your plate is just NUTS!"

http://i.imgur.com/12lCPIU.jpg

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thecolemanation
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2016
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Two boll weevils

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JRBX
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2019
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My cousin always refused to do his math homework as a kid

And to this day he’s never amounted to anything.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kopextacy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2019
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A struggling young news reporter was having trouble getting good sound bites from the politicians she was sent out to interview, so she invited an experienced colleague out to dinner to ask for advice.

The would-be mentor insisted on going to a seafood restaurant and then he ordered his favorite meal for the both of them. When the hard working, fresh-out-of-journalism-school grad asked the veteran newshound how he always managed to get witty phrases from the Prime Ministers and Presidents he interviewed, a sly smile swam across his face.

Intrigued, she watched intently while he reached for his wallet then removed a €5 note. Holding it toward her face over the table, she was surprised when the greying beat writer dropped the money directly on her uneaten dinner and held an index finger to his closed lips.

As they both looked down at the seafood platter, his paper Euro was suddenly sucked under the rings of fried calamari until it disappeared from sight. After what sounded like a stand-up comedian clearing his throat, a male voice with an Eastern European accent clearly rose out of her food. It said, "Trump asked for dirt on Biden so I sent him some good Ukrainian topsoil."

As the gobsmacked gal with mouth agape slowly raised her eyes to her grinning dinner guest's face, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "squid pro quote".

Required Explanation: "squid pro quote" is a play on words for the saying "quid pro quo", a Latin phrase meaning "something for something". In the news at the time of this posting a tremendous amount of discussion is being circulated about whether or not US president Trump dangled a quid pro quo offer in front of Ukraine's newly elected president, Volodymyr Zelensky. The deal had nothing to do with seafood however, so that was just a red herring. It should also be noted that Mr. Zelensky, before diving into politics, was a stand-up comedian.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/podgress
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
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The amount of people who don't cover when they sneeze...

It sickens me!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Straight3dge
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2014
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I pour a tiny amount of ranch on my girlfriends plate

Her: "that's all I get?"

Me: "would you expect any less?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/desertjedi85
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2016
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Maybe aliens exist but they decided not to come to Earth when they checked the reviews and saw that it only has one star
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Avalon794
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2019
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Why did the vulture get charged extra on the airplane?

He had an excessive amount of carrion luggage.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ivegot_back
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
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I used to work at a fire hydrant factory

I could never find a place to park!

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andydwye
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2019
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A man needs to hire someone to fix his broken fence.

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.

Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.

About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.

The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked.

The monk replied "religious reasons."

The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, but why do you need to repair fences?"

"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."

πŸ‘︎ 921
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CJFates
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
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Nothing will amount to this one.

Context: I was doing some work in the kitchen, with my dad not far away.

Dad: Does that Asian hamster ever get tired of doing maths?

Me: What makes you think he's Asian?

Bickering, which eventually leads to...

Dad: Well, where is he form?

Me: ^^^Hamsterdam

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rcjuneau
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2014
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How does a woman scare a gynecologist?

By learning ventriloquism.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
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A young man wants to become a lumberjack, so he goes to the forest and starts chopping.

After a few days of doing this, he realizes he is simply not fit for this type of job. On his final day of trying to chop down trees, he notices an old scrawny man chopping down trees as if he was a woodpecker, the amount of hits he made grew more and more each swing. The first swing was one hit, the next, ten hits, the next one, a hundred hits, and the next one after that, a thousand. He kept swinging until the tree he was swinging at was chopped down. Amazed, the young man walks over to the old man and asks, "Sir, what is your secret, how do you chop them down so quickly?"

The old man turns and says, "It's all about the rhythm." Puzzled by the old man's answer, the young man returned home pondering what he said.

The next morning, he was motivated to keep trying to be a lumberjack. "If an old scrawny man can do it, so can I!" he thought.

So he went back to the forest, and tried to use his advice. Trying to time each swing, he realizes this simply doesn't work. Later in the day, he sees the old man again, comes up to him, and asks, "I tried to time my swings, but it does no more than just chopping normally. How do you do it?"

"You can't just make up any old rhythm and follow it, you have to find a very specific one," he says, "you have to find the Logger-rhythm."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaximusMatrix
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
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