Me : No net work.
(the joke is on me)
*Me entering my sister's room and see her studying.
Me: "What's up? Wanna play Halo?"
Sis: "I want to but I can't. My exams are coming."
Me: "Then don't open the door!"
Sis: *groans
While outside of Desano pizza...
If you have pizza two days in a row, is it a repizza?
He had no attachments.
I was shaving off layers of my work boots' heels since they were worn in on one side, causing pain when walking.
After I finished I showed my wife the bits of rubber, "My Boots are heeled"
I Am Grout
It's called, "Prose and Cons".
...well, actually, the full statement was “you’re pretty annoying”, but I only focus on positive things.
It was a very pivotal moment
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
‘Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’
👻👻💀💀☠️☠️ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
I bet you have another pair exactly like that.
I am a bit proud of what I achieved today. I promise that this is spontaneous to me, even though I might have heard the word somewhere else.
So my older children are up and waiting for breakfast, and they started talking about a game variety of Parkour, and the word “legendary” is being thrown around casually. So I ask them if they know what legendary means, and my son says, after a minute of thinking, that it means very amazing. I answered, “No, legendary means super famous milk.” Took them half a minute to figure out and I got the biggest groans ever!
Mitochondrion.
He had to Putin a lot of work to get where he is.
I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time “dad I’m hungry” and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence. I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life.
And one of our kittens (7mo/f) starts nosing her away aggressively around our feet.
15/f daughter: ‘Oh kitty, what are you doing?’
Me: ‘I think she’s fishing.’
Achievement unlocked: my daughter smiled, and didn’t groan, roll her eyes, or whine ‘Daaaad’.
What's the opposite of an Octagon?
An Octa-returned!
He achieved ESCAPE VELOCITY
Today while driving, my 2.5 year old asked for "tookies" and I replied with "Turkeys?" She responded quickly with her little "no". I feel proud that I can finally dad joke my child now. (This is an advancement in conversation structure between us)
He stood up and said “you breader believe I’m not loafing around, I’m on a roll!”
It’s soda termined
This award is my crowning achievement but this is the only plaque that’s allowed in my house.
I’m not buying it.
It only takes one our.
'Don't mind him, he's just a product of our times.'
It's all been downhill from that.
He was outstanding in his field!
Then there will finally be no violins.
It's the only way for me to achieve inner peas.
My wife says I'm a quack head
*My son, a dad of a 3yr old, made this up when I told him a dad joke from this sub. He has achieved full dadness
Edit: typo
A pedegree.
My crowning achievement is when I swallowed a trophy and couldn't poop it out.
One s'more unto the breach, dear friends, one s'more
