We have achieved world peas
π︎ 89
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︎ Jul 12 2020
I was checking out at the grocery store today and the bagger was holding my stuff over the shopping cart and asked: βsir, would you like to go out with the cart?β. To which I replied βoh, no thanks Iβm actually marriedβ. My poor son looked mortified. Dad joke status ACHIEVED.
π︎ 8k
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︎ Nov 30 2019
Finally achieved world peas
π︎ 359
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︎ Feb 27 2019
Dad : What have achieved with all this network?
Me : No net work.
(the joke is on me)
π︎ 2
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︎ Apr 11 2020
I'm not a dad, but I pulled this on my sister and achieved a groan. So here it is!
*Me entering my sister's room and see her studying.
Me: "What's up? Wanna play Halo?"
Sis: "I want to but I can't. My exams are coming."
Me: "Then don't open the door!"
Sis: *groans
π︎ 18
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︎ Jan 08 2020
Finally achieved world peas
π︎ 192
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︎ Mar 30 2018
Finally achieved world peas
π︎ 27
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︎ Apr 02 2018
Maximum βOh, boyβ achieved
While outside of Desano pizza...
If you have pizza two days in a row, is it a repizza?
π︎ 4
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︎ Mar 25 2018
The zen Buddhist achieved enlightenment, only to find himself unable to vacuum in corners.
π︎ 11
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︎ Jul 15 2017
Finally achieved greatness.
I was shaving off layers of my work boots' heels since they were worn in on one side, causing pain when walking.
After I finished I showed my wife the bits of rubber,
"My Boots are heeled"
π︎ 5
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︎ May 02 2014
After achieving universal peace, the Guardians of the Galaxy settled down and opened a floor tile business.
π︎ 3
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︎ Jan 16 2021
This might be my crowning achievement. If it's been done before, I apologize for nothing. Grape minds think alike- nope wrong fruit.
π︎ 13
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︎ Nov 15 2020
I wrote a book about how convicted felons can use fiction writing to work through their experiences and achieve better rehabilitation outcomes.
It's called, "Prose and Cons".
π︎ 16
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︎ Dec 01 2020
I got called pretty today.
...well, actually, the full statement was βyouβre pretty annoyingβ, but I only focus on positive things.
π︎ 578
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︎ Jan 16 2021
100% effective method to not go to jail
π︎ 5k
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︎ Aug 03 2020
I can understand why the invention of the wheel is looked upon as one of the most important achievements of mankind
It was a very pivotal moment
π︎ 5
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︎ Jul 21 2020
So Iβm at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still donβt know because he hasnβt opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
βDad, I knew that story wasnβt real because you donβt have any friendsβ
π»π»ππβ οΈβ οΈ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
π︎ 18
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︎ Jan 10 2021
I was wearing mismatched socks and my mom said to me
I bet you have another pair exactly like that.
π︎ 4
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︎ Jan 08 2021
Supermilk
I am a bit proud of what I achieved today. I promise that this is spontaneous to me, even though I might have heard the word somewhere else.
So my older children are up and waiting for breakfast, and they started talking about a game variety of Parkour, and the word βlegendaryβ is being thrown around casually. So I ask them if they know what legendary means, and my son says, after a minute of thinking, that it means very amazing. I answered, βNo, legendary means super famous milk.β Took them half a minute to figure out and I got the biggest groans ever!
π︎ 18
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︎ Jan 13 2021
What do you call a bodybuilder in jail?
π︎ 50
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︎ Oct 05 2020
I aprecciate the president Russia's achievements.
He had to Putin a lot of work to get where he is.
π︎ 2
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︎ Jul 27 2020
To achieve Damp
You have to let it sink in
π︎ 3
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︎ Jul 13 2020
I have finally made it
I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time βdad Iβm hungryβ and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence. I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life.
π︎ 16k
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︎ Jun 10 2020
We were eating take-out sushi on the couch last night
And one of our kittens (7mo/f) starts nosing her away aggressively around our feet.
15/f daughter: βOh kitty, what are you doing?β
Me: βI think sheβs fishing.β
Achievement unlocked: my daughter smiled, and didnβt groan, roll her eyes, or whine βDaaaadβ.
π︎ 10
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︎ Jan 09 2021
The invention of the shovel was just touching the surface of what today's is groundbreaking technology can achieve.
π︎ 3
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︎ Feb 11 2020
Achievement unlocked: Got a groan from my 6 year old
What's the opposite of an Octagon?
An Octa-returned!
π︎ 28
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︎ Feb 26 2020
The invention of a the shovel was a ground-breaking achievement
π︎ 267
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︎ Jul 21 2019
How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?
He achieved ESCAPE VELOCITY
π︎ 2
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︎ Dec 01 2020
A stone with a lot of achievements is a roll model.
π︎ 10
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︎ Nov 27 2019
How I'd singlehandedly achieve world peace [OC]
π︎ 44
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︎ Oct 02 2019
This achievement in Oxygen Not Included
π︎ 34
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︎ Aug 07 2019
New Achievement as a Father
Today while driving, my 2.5 year old asked for "tookies" and I replied with "Turkeys?" She responded quickly with her little "no".
I feel proud that I can finally dad joke my child now. (This is an advancement in conversation structure between us)
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 21 2020
Wolfenstein II with one of the best achievements ever!
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 27 2019
I accused my baker son of not achieving anything..
He stood up and said βyou breader believe Iβm not loafing around, Iβm on a roll!β
π︎ 6
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︎ Jul 18 2019
It's good to see people that carrot about world peas.It might seem corny, but to achieve world peas we have to beet the bad guys.
π︎ 68
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︎ Jul 18 2018
Why does Pepsi always achieve its goals?
π︎ 3
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︎ Aug 25 2019
*Ted receiving the Best Dentist award at the Dentist award show*
This award is my crowning achievement but this is the only plaque thatβs allowed in my house.
π︎ 3
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︎ Sep 08 2020
All my friends claim that Iβm the cheapest person they have ever met.
π︎ 318
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︎ Oct 14 2019
Anyone can become communist.
π︎ 7
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︎ Jul 05 2020
What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot?
'Don't mind him, he's just a product of our times.'
π︎ 227
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︎ Oct 14 2019
I think my highest achievement was climbing Mount Everest.
It's all been downhill from that.
π︎ 6
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︎ Mar 06 2019
Did you here about the scarecrow that recieved an achievement award?
He was outstanding in his field!
π︎ 3
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︎ Nov 17 2018
Achieving world peace is simple. Just burn all musical instruments.
Then there will finally be no violins.
π︎ 7
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︎ Jan 18 2019
I make sure to eat legumes whenever I'm stressed.
It's the only way for me to achieve inner peas.
π︎ 35
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︎ Jul 31 2020
I think I have an abnormal addiction to ducks...
My wife says I'm a quack head
*My son, a dad of a 3yr old, made this up when I told him a dad joke from this sub. He has achieved full dadness
Edit: typo
π︎ 20
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︎ Jun 13 2020
What did the dog achieve at university?
π︎ 9
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︎ Jun 08 2018
What is your crowning achievement?
My crowning achievement is when I swallowed a trophy and couldn't poop it out.
π︎ 23
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︎ Aug 16 2016
King Henry V's greatest military achievement was capturing Harfleur with a single marshmallow
One s'more unto the breach, dear friends, one s'more
π︎ 7
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︎ Aug 20 2018
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