I've worked really hard and only achieved becoming a taxi driver.
I can't believe that's all I have to chauffeur it.
We have achieved world peas
I was checking out at the grocery store today and the bagger was holding my stuff over the shopping cart and asked: “sir, would you like to go out with the cart?”. To which I replied “oh, no thanks I’m actually married”. My poor son looked mortified. Dad joke status ACHIEVED.
Finally achieved world peas
I'm not a dad, but I pulled this on my sister and achieved a groan. So here it is!
*Me entering my sister's room and see her studying.
Me: "What's up? Wanna play Halo?"
Sis: "I want to but I can't. My exams are coming."
Me: "Then don't open the door!"
Sis: *groans
Dad : What have achieved with all this network?
Me : No net work.
(the joke is on me)
Finally achieved world peas
Maximum “Oh, boy” achieved
While outside of Desano pizza...
If you have pizza two days in a row, is it a repizza?
The zen Buddhist achieved enlightenment, only to find himself unable to vacuum in corners.
Finally achieved greatness.
I was shaving off layers of my work boots' heels since they were worn in on one side, causing pain when walking.
After I finished I showed my wife the bits of rubber,
"My Boots are heeled"
What an achievement
When a semi-aquatic mammal in Antarctica likes what you're doing...you have the seal of approval
This might be my crowning achievement. If it's been done before, I apologize for nothing. Grape minds think alike- nope wrong fruit.
After achieving universal peace, the Guardians of the Galaxy settled down and opened a floor tile business.
I wrote a book about how convicted felons can use fiction writing to work through their experiences and achieve better rehabilitation outcomes.
It's called, "Prose and Cons".
I got called pretty today.
...well, actually, the full statement was “you’re pretty annoying”, but I only focus on positive things.
100% effective method to not go to jail
I can understand why the invention of the wheel is looked upon as one of the most important achievements of mankind
It was a very pivotal moment
I aprecciate the president Russia's achievements.
He had to Putin a lot of work to get where he is.
To achieve Damp
You have to let it sink in
What do you call a bodybuilder in jail?
I have finally made it
I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time “dad I’m hungry” and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence. I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life.
The invention of the shovel was just touching the surface of what today's is groundbreaking technology can achieve.
The invention of a the shovel was a ground-breaking achievement
I was wearing mismatched socks and my mom said to me
I bet you have another pair exactly like that.
So I’m at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still don’t know because he hasn’t opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
‘Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’
👻👻💀💀☠️☠️ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
I once knew a scarecrow that won an award
for outstanding achievements in his field.
Achievement unlocked: Got a groan from my 6 year old
What's the opposite of an Octagon?
An Octa-returned!
Supermilk
I am a bit proud of what I achieved today. I promise that this is spontaneous to me, even though I might have heard the word somewhere else.
So my older children are up and waiting for breakfast, and they started talking about a game variety of Parkour, and the word “legendary” is being thrown around casually. So I ask them if they know what legendary means, and my son says, after a minute of thinking, that it means very amazing. I answered, “No, legendary means super famous milk.” Took them half a minute to figure out and I got the biggest groans ever!
A stone with a lot of achievements is a roll model.
This achievement in Oxygen Not Included
How I'd singlehandedly achieve world peace [OC]
New Achievement as a Father
Today while driving, my 2.5 year old asked for "tookies" and I replied with "Turkeys?" She responded quickly with her little "no".
I feel proud that I can finally dad joke my child now. (This is an advancement in conversation structure between us)
Wolfenstein II with one of the best achievements ever!
It's good to see people that carrot about world peas.It might seem corny, but to achieve world peas we have to beet the bad guys.
I accused my baker son of not achieving anything..
He stood up and said “you breader believe I’m not loafing around, I’m on a roll!”
We were eating take-out sushi on the couch last night
And one of our kittens (7mo/f) starts nosing her away aggressively around our feet.
15/f daughter: ‘Oh kitty, what are you doing?’
Me: ‘I think she’s fishing.’
Achievement unlocked: my daughter smiled, and didn’t groan, roll her eyes, or whine ‘Daaaad’.
How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?
He achieved ESCAPE VELOCITY
Why does Pepsi always achieve its goals?
All my friends claim that I’m the cheapest person they have ever met.
I think my highest achievement was climbing Mount Everest.
It's all been downhill from that.
Achieving world peace is simple. Just burn all musical instruments.
Then there will finally be no violins.
What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot?
'Don't mind him, he's just a product of our times.'
What is your crowning achievement?
My crowning achievement is when I swallowed a trophy and couldn't poop it out.
What did the dog achieve at university?
My Mexican friend has been trying hard to achieve a higher rank in the cartel but he's failing every time.
He's criminally underrated to be honest.
*Ted receiving the Best Dentist award at the Dentist award show*
This award is my crowning achievement but this is the only plaque that’s allowed in my house.
Did you here about the scarecrow that recieved an achievement award?
He was outstanding in his field!
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