A true story: My boyfriend and I were in the dairy aisle of the grocery store. He tosses a pack of sliced cheese into the cart it ricochets and falls to the floor. β€œKobe!” I shout. β€œNo.” He says in a disappointed tone...

...Colby

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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She does the whistle tone!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StrangeAssonance
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
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Im near sighted and tone deaf

I can’t C sharp, but I am the dad of A minor, That boy is nothing but treble.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zeffer90
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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Why should you NEVER date a ska fan?

They’re usually a two-toned skank and always horn-y.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PetriDishRadar
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2021
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So I told my parents I’m gray…

Dad said he didn’t like my tone.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EpicWinterWolf
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2021
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How do you punish music?

You make it a tone

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_Westerfield
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
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Last night during a pretty aggressive thunderstorm, a huge lightening strike, along with an incredibly deafening thunder clap happened right next to our house.

Last night during a pretty aggressive thunderstorm, a huge lightening strike, along with an incredibly deafening thunder clap happened right next to our house. It was about 11pm and Susan was snuggled up to her Mother next to me in our bed. After a few seconds of Lori saying something soothing to our 9 year old she was holding, saying something like 'its ok, its just a little storm, we are safe...', I call out to our older 12 year old in her room just next door.

"Sarah!?" I called to her, in my normal tone to get her attention.

"Yeah? What?" She responded.

"Was that you?" I called back.

After a long pause Sarah replied "No Dad. That was thunder!"

I could not stop laughing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tnotm
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
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"I don't like your tone!" I yelled at my son.

"Well, I don't like it either but can do nothing about it since my dad's white and mom's black!" He yelled back.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
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My brother sees me near our tent, putting his E-reader on a pile of sticks.

He yells: "What the hell are you doing, Some_Dumb_Dude?!"

I say: "What's with the tone? You have to use Kindle to make a fire, Right?

'Ba dum tss'

He just sighs. "I hate you."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Some_Dumb_Dude_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
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I just quit my job at the helium factory.

I won’t be spoken to in that tone.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sandyatk445
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
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I tried.

I kept my tone level and I didn’t raise my voice, but I begged and begged the chef to add some crumbled goat cheese to the recipe. But unfortunately it was too late as it had already gone into the oven.

It was a feta calm plea.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jamesianm
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
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Fixed my low-toned guitar today...

...Finally got to the base of the problem.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SeaofShells
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
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I maintain my stomach tone by doing as many crunches as I can, every single day.

(Usually either Nestle or Captain)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NeverBob
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
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Did you know a note can make a tone?

All you have to do is rearrange the letters.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tsaot
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
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There once was a farm, famed for the high quality of product from the award winning cows, many spoke of it in hushed, respectful tones, but none could say where it was, and many claimed, but none could prove that they had been there.

It was legendairy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yeahmaybe2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
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My favourite word in the dictionary is β€œtoned”

Great definition

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jakejew97
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2018
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Why did the cell phone have to wear glasses?

Because it lost its contacts

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
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What do sailors do to keep fit and toned?

Pirates.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madlarkin001
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
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Was pretty proud of this exchange on a dating app tonight
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rachrawr
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
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This guy stops in a second hand petshop looking for a last minute Christmas gift for his wife.

The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him β€œThis is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.” He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining β€œjingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. β€œRudolph” β€œFrosty the Snowman” β€œDrummer Boy” even β€œI Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. β€œ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. β€œNO honey it really works watch!” β€œIm going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. β€œWAIT Honey, one more time, please!” He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out β€œCHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hipphazy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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I kept asking my dad over and over what scales are used for

He said weight

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CharlieTom02
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
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Two chemists walk into a bar. "I'll have H2O," says the first. "I'll have H2O, too," says the second.

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NullVoidPointer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
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What do you call a buff Italian man named Anthony?

Rig-a-toni

(Thought of this a while ago while at the gym, had a chuckle)

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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Cell phone ring tones

So we are sitting at the dinner table and a phone makes a noise in the background. My mom says "was that me?! And my dad responds "I dunno! I've never heard you make that noise before!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cateyecarlos
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2013
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Soundcloud should call their sound

Rain tones

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Elyon113
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
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A captain and his crew. (Hopefully hasn’t been posted before lol)

Once upon a time there was a pirate captain who was the most amazing best captain a crew could ever ask for. His crew loved him more than anything and would do absolutely anything for him.

One day as they were sailing, a crew member In the crows nest shouts, β€œone ship off the port side!” Immediately the captain yells at his crew, β€œMen! Bring me my red shirt!”

Slightly confused, the men hesitate for a second and then hurry off to bring the captain his red shirt. Amazingly they win the battle!

The men are so happy and thankful their captain brought them safely through the battle they don’t even care why the captain wanted his red shirt.

A few months of sailing some more, again the man in the crows nest yells, β€œTwo ships off the port side!” Quickly the captain screams, β€œMen! Bring me my red shirt!” The crew doesn’t hesitate this time to get him his red shirt and what do you know? They win this battle too!!

The crew is astounded at their captains awesomeness!!! They honestly could not find anyone better. This time though the crew stops a moment and asks the captain, β€œWhy do you always have us bring you your red shirt?”

The captain replies, β€œWell men, if I get stabbed the blood will blend into my red shirt and it will look like I’m not hurt so that you will all fight as hard as if I were still alive.”

The men can’t believe what they hear! How could they be so lucky as to have a captain so incredibly smart and courageous??!!

Two seconds later, β€œTWENTY SEVEN SHIPS OFF THE PORT SIDE!!!!!!!”

Calmly, with an even tone, the captain says, β€œMen, bring me my brown pants.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RecTym
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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My friend, Hugh, asked me if I was colour-blind.

"Where are you?" I replied.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dashie1985
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
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What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Codetemplar
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
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Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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I got my butthole bleached yesterday

After all these years, I finally changed my ringtone

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Suhspence
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2018
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My daughter was whining about her chores.

She asked if she needed to vacuum the whole apartment. I said, "no, just do the floor."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mortoray
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2016
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Buying an engagement ring with my dad

Getting ready to leave he says: "Do you have a picture of the ring you want?" Me:"Ya, right here on my phone." Dad:"Some guy you are, buying her a phony ring."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Johngdetti
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2016
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I’m opening a new club...

Gym & Tone Inc.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
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My 4 year old daughter just got me.

Her: I want the same thing for breakfast that we had yesterday.

Me picking her up: I want hugs.

Her in a very sarcastic tone: Are you going to eat the hugs?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lordofthebar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
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My dad said of my singing voice, "wow, you should sing Tenor!!"

... Tenor fifteen miles away. Zing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MichaelRM
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2017
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There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath....

After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.

Many years passed by like that.

At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.

With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:

  • Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.

A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger’s hand and immediately he asked:

  • Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn’t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn’t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:

  • Thank you

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doty152
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
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How do you talk to a thief who is climbing down a wall?

In a condescending tone.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mukundan_chariar
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
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I have a invention! It's a small edible device that would freshen your breath while simultaneously releasing a subtle and soothing A-chord. You would use the device (with the fresh breath and soothing sound) to help increase the effectiveness of apologies.

I call it:

THE A-TONE-MINT!!!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gbeeson
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2016
🚨︎ report
When Dad Sneezed He Always Said...

"Bless Me"

...Bless you dad

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Leiderdorp
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2014
🚨︎ report
Listening to smooth jazz always helps me fall asleep.

It a sure way to get my mellow tones in.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tab7240
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2018
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I quit my job at the helium factory today.

I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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I quit my job at the helium gas factory today

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lez566
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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I quit my job at the helium factory.

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
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After a long argument with my boss, I quit my job at the helium factory.

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

πŸ‘︎ 629
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2018
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I quit my job at the helium factory today.

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NameViolation666
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
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I quit my job at the helium factory today.

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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I quit my job at the helium factory...

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/abnormis_sapiens
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
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