Tomorrow Night Puns

They've been forced into sleighvery.

My first thought was, "why is that not the goal for every day?" When I asked OK but why, her response was, "We can't let the last day of the year end without a bang!"

"It's in the Heisenberg-street.", she said, "Do you know where that is?"

"No," I said, "but I know how fast you can go there."

She didn't get it.

After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

Tomorrow, a group of friends are having a Skype party trivia night and I need help trying to think of a punny name that involves “COVID-19”

Anyone got any ideas?

of me turning up at Gamblers Anonymous tomorrow night.

When I am home for break I shower in my parents' bedroom because I hate sharing with my brother. So when I do so, I walk through their room in my towel to get to and from the shower. Every night I get the same joke:

Dad: Rugbybackliner, you wore the same outfit yesterday!

He then proceeds to laugh his ass off, despite telling this joke almost every night for the last 5 years.

Thursday my mom was admitted into the hospital and Friday she was moved into the IVCU (Interventional Cardiac Unit). As I was leaving her for the night I said, "I'll V C-ing U tomorrow". She was too tired to acknowledge my pun, so I posted here.

So I immediately pounced upon the opportunity and forwarded the time in his laptop by 6 hours.

When he returned, I said, "I'm leaving now. It's 5 PM already."

"Oh yes it is," He said, "See you tomorrow."

"It fucking worked!" I thought to myself, as I jolted towards home.

I then enjoyed my entire day and was sleeping peacefully at night, when my phone suddenly rang at 3:15 AM.

He said, "Hurry up, you're 15 minutes late for work."

Here's a joke my dad told me. Sorry if you've heard it, but I found it hilarious, and I think you might enjoy it.

In a small town in the suburbs, there was a small family of balloons. There was a mummy balloon, a daddy balloon, and a small child balloon. Every night the boy would sleep between his parents, but his father had had enough.

"son, I know you love sleeping between us, but you're getting a bit too old for it., " the father said. "You're nearly 8, you're a big boy, and your mother and I think you should sleep in your own bed from now on. You can stay tonight but starting tomorrow we want you in your own bed. Do you understand?"

"Yeah dad, I understand..." the boy said with a maudlin tinge to his voice.

"okay son, I love you."

"love you too dad"

The next night the boy tried sleeping in his own bed, but there was a storm outside. It was a dark, ominous storm - the kind of storm that sounds like a cataclysm for the end of the world.

The boy was scared, so he went to sleep in his parents room. However when he tried to squeeze between them, he found he didn't fit. He felt defeated. He felt scared. He felt alone.

But then an idea struck him. He decided he'd just let a little bit of air out of his father. He tried to squeeze in again, but had no such luck. So he let a little bit of air out of his mother. He tried again. Still no luck. Finally, he decided to let some air out of himself. Success! He squeezed in tightly and drifted off to sleep.

The next morning his parents were furious. His father was feeling particularly angry, and screamed at his son.

"son, I told you not to sleep in our room. I told you to sleep in your own bed! Didn't I say that Hun?"

"yes dear," the mother said, feeling slightly deflated.

"so son, what do you have to say for yourself?" the father asked in anger.

"it was dark and stormy and..." the boy tried to spit out.

"I don't care son!" the father interrupted. "you can't keep doing this! I'm very disappointed. You've let me down, you've let me down, but worst of all..."

Someone posted to a group facebook page asking for some help: "I hate to ask this, but is there anyone who is in a library right now or will be tomorrow night who can take the time out to explain to me how to do a serial dilution?"

My friend responded with: "Serial dilution? Simple. Add more milk"

I had been driving for a few years and had just moved off to college.

I was on my way back home to visit and it got dark during my drive. My headlights and radio worked but my dash lights were not coming on. When I got home I asked my dad about it and he said he'd go take a look. He went outside then comes back in the house just a few minutes later.

Me: "Did you find out what the problem is?"

Dad: "I think so."

Me: "Well, what was it?"

Dad: "I'll have to show you tomorrow, if I'm right then we're going to have fun working on your truck all morning."

We wait until morning, and dad wakes me up to go work on my truck. We go outside and he has me walk him through the entire problem again. Which lights were working and which were not, has me start the truck a few times and has me do the same troubleshooting I did the night before. I was getting frustrated and told him I tried absolutely everything.

Then he says "I think there's one thing you forgot." He points at a knob by the steering wheel. I looked at where he was pointing and it hit me. It's the damned the dash-light dimmer switch, and it was set to it's lowest (dimmest) position. When I looked back up at him he just had the biggest grin on his face. He then went into a full explanation on how this knob worked, knowing full well that I already knew what that knob did. Which, by the way, I'm sitting on the driver's seat and he's standing at the driver's side door. So I had no way to walk away from this embarrassing moment. All I could do was look down at the steering wheel and listen to him enjoying his joke.

Bonus story #1:

I'm in my 30s and one of my friends is a 74 year old guy that I play pool with. He always asks me what I've been up to, and one time I told him I met a girl.

He got excited and said "Do you have any pictures of her?" So I showed him a few pictures of us together.

Old man: "She's beautiful! She sounds like a keeper."

Then he leans in with a grin and says "Do you have any naked pictures of her?"

Me: "No way!"

Old man: "Do you want to see some?"

Bonus story #2:

That same old man was at our friend's wedding. He's sitting at the table with his wife and a bunch of other people. The conversation is about how they have been married for 50+ years. He says "I don't know how she's put up with me for this many years. But I've always told her that she can leave whenever she wants to, cause I'm comin' with her."

His wife explained that she has heard all of his jokes so

I was sitting in the library with my friend studying for finals. I have a night class tonight, but I have to study for a huge exam tomorrow. I said "So I've decided that I'm not going to my night class." My friend immediately says "Then how will you ever move past being a squire?"

I didn't come up with this but its been flying around reddit for a while...

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?' The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.

Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'

The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.

The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.

Father,' replied the son,I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.

The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.

Father,' said the son to this,I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'

`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.

I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls

My cousin and his wife have a 3 year old daughter, and they're traveling to visit us cross-country for Thanksgiving. In the hotel last night, cousin (Steven) was discussing breakfast with his daughter (Emily).

Steven: "Tomorrow morning, before we leave, the hotel is going to cook us breakfast!"

Emily: "Daddy, how is the hotel going to cook us breakfast? It doesn't even have hands!"

Steven said he's never been prouder.

Currently watching the movie Straight Outta Compton while texting this girl that I have a date with tomorrow night.

She mentioned that she is drinking a glass of wine but put a bunch of ice in it. Six big cubes.

I responded with "wow 6 ice cubes? This movie that I'm watching only has one ice cube in it"

She laughed. Looks like our future's set.

See ya later, have a great night and if I don't see you tomorrow, have a Good Friday!

We were both in a giddy mood because of how bad the movie was. It was more comical than anything else. This was the highlight of the night.

Christian Grey: "What are you doing for breakfast tomorrow." I lean over and whisper to my gf: "Eating breakfast" smh!

Hated the movie, but felt super proud of myself!

Scene: Party on Friday Night

Him- "Man, today was a sad day…"

Me- "well, tomorrow will be a Saturday"

starts slow clap

There was this convenience store and the owner had a parrot perched next to the register. The parrot would talk to customers as they walked by and one day a man was walking by and the parrot said "You're the ugliest man I ever saw.". Taken aback, the man said "What did you say?" and the parrot said "You're the ugliest man I ever saw."

The man was outraged. He talked to the owner and said "Do you know what your bird just said to me?"

"No." said the owner.

"He said I was the ugliest man he ever saw."

"I'll give him a talking to." said the owner. "You come back tomorrow and see if things aren't a bit different."

That night the owner takes the parrot and slaps him around some, and tells him not to insult the customers ever again.

So the next day rolls around and the man stops by the store. He walks up to the register and says to the bird "What do you think you're lookin' at?"

The bird says, "You know."