Chinese take out: 8 dollars. Tip: 2 dollars. Getting home to find out they forgot part of your order...
And that’s not the tip of the iceberg
Oh damn guess I get to keep my tip
I kept telling my brother not to put the Q-tip in too deep, but he never listens to my words.
It goes into one ear, and out the other.
My kid said he didn’t want the tri tip I bought him for dinner
So I told him if he didn’t eat, his life would be at steak
I tried to give the Uber Eats driver another tip for my Vietnamese soup.
I’ve got a tip for a horse in tomorrow’s big race, it’s won all its races, it’s called “dusty carpet”
Life Pro Tip ~ Don't ever put ducks in a cement mixer because…
You'll get quacks in the pavement!
Pro tip: If you are looking for a cheap way to work out at home, consider using milk jugs as weights.
But be sure to use almond or soy milk, I’ve heard they’re the healthier alternatives.
Don’t forget to tip the waitress
The tall guy who tips off the ball to start basketball games was found deceased at mid-court...
I have a great safety tip for Halloween this year
Those tips should never be foresakeskin.
Why did the egg tip the waiter
Because the food was eggcellent
Customers always ask if I take tips
But I say no since I don't like change
Son, you should always tip the waitress
Tip her, but don’t let her fall
My girlfriend told me that she was worried she was turning into a costal area at the southwestern tip of the Gower Peninsula in south Wales. I said to her...
Those tips should never be foresakeskin.
I always give good tips to my waiters
"be nice to your customers"
Don’t forget to tip your server
Pro Tip: If you have a gashed wound, it is cheaper to go to a comedy club than the emergency room.
You just pay the cover charge and they'll have you in stitches.
So I was rolling coins from my tip money and placing the rolled up sleeves on each other forming a kind of pyramid shape:
My sister walks up to me and asks: “Are you creating a pyramid scheme?”
Helpful tip for a knife fight
Quarantine Tip #19: Yesterday I ran out of soap and body wash and all I could find was dish detergent.
Tech tip: It’s dangerous to download “Come Sail Away” or “Satisfaction” on ITunes. “Turn, Turn, Turn” is perfectly fine however.
Styx and Stones may break your phones, but the Byrds will never hurt you.
Quarantine Tip #2:
Diarrhea is an early symptom of Coronavirus infection.
So try to loaf as long as you can.
That's a solid tip.
Tip of the day: The toilets at Lowes are just for display.
(they should put signs on those, or something..)
My wife just got a breast reduction surgery done and the doctor slapped a couple pieces of paper across her nipples that had bandage removal tips...
They were post-tit notes.
I spent all day trying to balance a screw on it's tip.
All I ended up doing by the end was just screwing around.
Tip of my tongue
Guys, help me out here. I can't remember the name of this old action movie. Bilbo Baggins has to stop a terrorist plot and save his wife in the Nakatomi Towers. Oh, that's it.
Old Hobbits Die Hard.
Tips to make running on a treadmill more bearable
If you’re looking for a tip: Wait for it...
Pro tip: wait until next year to get lasik or other corrective eye surgery
so you can have 2020 vision
Whenever I go out to eat I always tip my server.
I've also learned that servers have horrible balance.
A financial tip: Don’t invest in skiing companies.
The entire sport is going downhill fast.
Always make sure to tip the gynecologist.
They're in the cervix industry.
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