My whole life I thought Chewbacca was an Ewok....
My wife got mad at me because I wouldn’t stop singing “I’m a Believer” by the Monkees. At first, I thought she was kidding.
My wife asked me if I thought the kids were spoiled
I said "no, I think they're supposed to smell like that."
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
Never thought of it like that haha
I just thought of a great joke about second guessing
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
My girlfriend thought I'd be lonely after she broke up with me,
Little did she know that I immediately bought stocks just to have some company.
Thought of this while I was teaching my little brother about the wonderful world of colors
I told my girlfriend that I thought she’d drawn her eyebrows on too high.
Never thought cannibalism is so yummy(Another one of the ones that I want to cross post but r/puns bans cross posts)
Thought this belonged here
My Wife said she would leave me if I didn’t stop singing songs by the Monkees, I thought she was joking
Bill and Melinda Gates got divorced. Melinda got the house...
But Bill kept the Windows
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
I call my wife Doe and she calls me Buck. My friend thought this was weird, so I had to explain...
They're terms of endeerment.
Thought of this well bringing in groceries.
I was asked to compare English to French.
Well, that's just like comparing grapes to raisins
Whoever thought it was a good idea to make a lower case L and and upper case i look the same must have been Ill.
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend?
Because he wanted space
Edit: Thank you for the awards.
I thought it was a booger
Initially I didn’t believe that my chiropractor was any good.
But now I stand corrected.
One day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was a handed a letter and thought to myself..
I told my dad that home births have skyrocketed since corona; he was confused.
He thought homes were built, not born.
What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
I'm so proud. My 12-year old told this joke during dinner: What degree does Dr. Pepper have?
My wife said, “I don’t really understand the science behind human cloning.”
I said, “That makes two of us.”
There were 30 cows and 28 chicken. How many didn't?
I thought I’d spilt coffee everywhere on my keyboard.
Turns out it was all under CTRL.
I thought I might have a parasite so I sprayed my self with a cheap bug bomb.
Now all I have to show for it is a nervous tick.
My son has recently taken up an interest in music. We're constantly going back and forth trying to stump the other with trivia. He thought he had me when he chorused, "Hey, dad, what genre are national anthems?!" I laughed, "That's easy!"
I never thought the sun really goes around the earth
Did you know that 10+10 and 11+11 are the same thing?
Because 10+10 is twenty and 11+11 is twenty too..
Edit: thank you for awards, I have never gotten one before. I apologize that this is a repost, I did see it on TikTok and thought that it was cute and wanted to share. In the future I will check the sub for similar content before I post anything.
Thought of this while on the shitter, my only kid is a 4 yr old cat
"What was Joe doing before the election results?"
"Biden time"
I thought about telling you guys a joke about synaesthesia ...
but I don’t think you’d see it
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
I thought I was wrong once,
Giraffes can never apologize to each other.
It takes them too long to swallow their pride.
I hate the word "xenophobia", it sounds so...
Just thought of this
What's a ghost's favorite food?
A boorrito
How do you make the number one disappear?
You add "g" and it's GONE
I told my parents I was bisexual
My dad asked, "so you like both men and women?"
I responded with, "yeah, but I'm not seeing anyone right now"
He said, "so you must be on stand-bi"
A very patriotic friend who I thought loved everything American just told me he preferred Eurpoean spellings
He's finally shown me his true colours.
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella
At first I thought I didn't want to be a professional footnoter for a scholarly works...
But it was love at first cite!
Not a joke for written context, but one you can use on your family.
You just say to your family member - "Did you hear someone in the family is part owl?"
They'll reply with "who?" And you look at them with a raised eyebrow.
Tell this joke over dinner if youd like to be the life of the party. You're welcome.
When I was young I was a graffiti artist and had my name all over the city but as I got older I thought "This has to stop".
"The writing's on the wall."
My wife told me to stop singing “I’m a believer” because it’s annoying. At first I thought she was kidding...
As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself...
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