Thirty One Puns

I asked her how she could possibly get anything done in such a short amount of time.

The called her Slowly-Butt Shirley

Is it nice out? It's so nice out I almost left it out. Is it cold out? I don't know. The temperature is so low I couldn't take it out. Is it hot out? I don't know. Ask your mom.

Told my family that today is one of the shortest birthdays of my life. Only half a minute long.

It’s my thirty second birthday

An Axe to Grind
A boy begs his father to get him a Christmas tree this year.
Each year, the boy asks and the father tells him, "I don't
want to pay for it."

But the son kept begging. Unable to bear his son's whining,
he picks up his axe one day and heads out of the house. 
Thirty minutes later he returns with a great big Christmas tree. "How did you cut it down so fast?" his son asks.

"I didn't cut it down," the father replies. 
"I got it at a tree lot."

"Then why did you bring an axe?"

"Because I didn't want to pay."

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

“Well” said Jeff, “As I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

“Yes of course” replied Trevor

Okay so the animals have been on the ark for thirty days and thirty nights and frankly they are getting bored. So to provide entertainment B-Deck challenges C-Deck to a game of football. They get it all set up and begin play. B-Deck makes some early gains but C-Deck is unstoppable. They have Rhinoceros and once he gets going you cant stop him. Soon the first half is over and the score is 24-7. The second half begins and while in the huddle Rhinoceros looks over at B-Decks defensive line and sees Centipede on their defensive line. "Give me the ball," he says, "There aren't going to be any centipedes in the new world because I'm crushing this one right here and right now" The Center snaps the ball and the quarterback hands it off to Rhinoceros who begins charging down Centipede. Centipede rears up grabs Rhinoceros by the legs and SLAMS him to the deck. Ball pops loose, centipede grabs the ball. He's rushing down the field weaving in and out and TOUCHDOWN!!! The crowd goes wild! C-Deck's captain, Lion rushes over and says, "Centipede that was amazing! Where were you in the first half?" "Well I was lacing my shoes."

One after thirty nine

Bf's dad: Did you know that every can of beans only has two hundred and thirty nine beans?

Me: Oh really?

Bf's dad: Yeah, if there were one more they'd be too farty.

...Didn't even see that one comin'.

Me: Did you see that new documentary on Constipation?

The Dad: What?

Me: It hasn't come out yet...

The Dad: Hahaha. That's a hard one.

Me: lol, indeed

The Dad: That's straining.

Me: You're pushing it, [The Dad].

The Dad: I'm not even close to being finished yet!!

Me: You are really stuck on them, aren't you?

The Dad: I am just so impacted by all this.

Me: I just can't get a good joke out...

The Dad: Oh, It's out now... I just can't drop it.

Me: lol. You may be the king of puns...

The Dad: It's an over thirty Dad thing...

His Wife: Yeah, you are full of it.

Getting my check it said one hundred and thirty three dollars and no cents.

My dad said "wow that's a lot of money"

I replied "I don't know, It makes no cents to me"

dad looked at me proudly

Me: "Don't answer my next question. Do you always do what you're told?"

She sat there for a full thirty seconds, mentally wrestling with an answer that would prove she's a good girl while still complying with the instruction to not answer the question. Eventually she settled on "Oh Daaaad!" and went back to eating.

Trolling your children, one of the perks of fatherhood.

My local bar association, of course, has thirty or so listservs. On one, someone posted about a Constitutional Law course being offered through Coursera, and how the state bar is approving the course for CLE credits.

One of the responses to this email was "Coursera sera. . . whatever will be, will be."

I actually groaned this time. I don't usually groan at bad jokes.