The odds of this happening are nine in a Malian
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πŸ‘€︎ u/qwertywtf
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
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I hate working for what I want. Capitalism has ruined everything. Every time I dip my pen in the company ink, nine months later my wife hires a new employee.

I need a Plan B.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/godkingmaker
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
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The twelve days of Jokemas, day nine

What is a planet's favorite day of the week?

Saturnday

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hud_is_on
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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Looking at a Terminix truck, the IX at the end are the roman numerals for the number nine...

Which is one more than eight. I feel this has to have been part of the name creation. β€œWe’ll do you one better than terminate, we’ll termiNINE”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mchead22
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
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What reality show is popular on the holodeck of Deep Space Nine?

Keeping up with the Cardassians!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/siphodeus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
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the NINE LYNCH NAILS
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eh_Grips
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
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Nine ants were kicked out of the apartment complex

Because they were not tenants.

πŸ‘︎ 232
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkyStar1991
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
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Why was 6 afraid of 7, because 789. Why did 7 eat nine? Because at the restaurant 7 was at, 9 came in that order.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anti-vaxxer-hater
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
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Why does the man want to buy nine rackets?

Cause tennis too many.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
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If I tie my golf partner on the back nine...

...what is the best kind of rope to use?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/slowshot
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
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I was carrying a nine-foot book the other day and a woman asked what I was doing.

I said β€œOh it’s a long story.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lucidus_somniorum
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
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my nine year old cousin has been in the hospital for a few days, and this was in one of her get well soon cards imgur.com/ycki78f
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alextoria
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2015
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When I told my dad about the "TIL you can count from zero to nine hundred ninety-nine without ever having to use the letter "a" post

"What about the a in "eigh"t."

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boomerandzapper
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2015
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I'm a dad now, and I have a nine month old daughter. When I put her in her 12 hour diaper for the night, I say: "It's time to put on your night diaper...

...like Sir Lancelot wore when he was a baby."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lendrick
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2014
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Talking to my Dad about the Nine Inch Nails upcoming concert...

Me: I'm going to go to this upcoming concert, have you heard of Nine Inch Nails?

Dad: Yeah, we used six inch nails to put up our fence.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mafeumatty
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2013
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I had to finish the last half of my golf match naked.

I was only dressed to the nines.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SadCornNoises
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
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My wife asked me if she's the only one I've been with.

I said yes. The others were all nines and tens.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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What odd number is no longer odd when you remove a letter?

Seven. If you you remove the S it becomes even.

Heard from my nine year old three minutes ago.

I’ve never been more proud.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/platypus_eyes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2020
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For math lovers and others to
  1. Why was the fraction apprehensive about marrying the decimal? Because he would have to convert.

  2. Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots.

  3. Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average? It was a mean thing to say!

  4. Why was the math book depressed? It had a lot of problems.

  5. Why is the obtuse triangle always so frustrated? Because it is never right.

  6. Why can you never trust a math teacher holding graphing paper? HeΒ must be plotting something.

  7. Why was the equal sign so humble? Because she knew she wasn’t greater than or less than anyone else.

  8. What do you call the number 7 and the number 3 when they go out on a date? The odd couple

  9. What do you call a number that can’t stay in one place? A Roamin’ numeral.

  10. Did you hear the one about the statistician? Probably.

  11. What do you call dudes who love math? Algebros.

  12. I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trig. I’ll even do statistics. But graphing is where I draw the line!

  13. Why should you never talk to Pi? Because she’ll go on and on and on forever.

  14. Why are parallel lines so tragic if they have so much in common? It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

  15. Are monsters good at math? Not unless you Count Dracula.

  16. What’s the best way to flirt with a math teacher? Use acute angle.

  17. Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers? They’d stop at nothing to avoid them.

  18. How do you stay warm in any room? Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.

  19. Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven eight ("ate") nine!

  20. Why DID seven eat nine? Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!

  21. Why does nobody talk to circles? Because there is no point.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/InvestWithArihant
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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I withdrew one dollar from the bank but they called the police

The nine zeroes after the one don’t count. Right? They add up to nothing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rant-rant-rant
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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A woman asked her husband if she was the only one he’d ever been with.

He replied β€œYes, the others were all nines or tens”.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KR1S18
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
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Why was Ben 10 considered so powerful?

Because the previous kid was Ben Nine in comparison.

πŸ‘︎ 148
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ign1fy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
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I'll tell you what's staggering

That the joke about the 5 minute walk to the pub can be posted NINE TIMES IN FOUR DAYS.

Why can't people just search the sub and check if something has been posted recently before posting? It's not difficult!

I know the sub doesn't have a specific rule about reposts, and the occasional repost allows people who missed a joke the first time to see it again, but this joke has moved into the realm of spam.

Please, admins, take action against this lazy, karma-whoring abuse of this sub.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eastawat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
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Overheard at Epcot:

In the Germany section of Epcot, the guy in front of me orders a beer. Cashier says "nine dollars please", guy: "woah, free beer"!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrugOfGods
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2019
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DadJokes are proof that comedy skips a generation.

http://imgur.com/gallery/3GUE8

This was a group text from me to both of the kids. The younger was born exactly nine months from the Tuesday in question. The older one responded with a thumbs down.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ty10drope
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2017
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I won today.

After the delivery of yet another stupid dad joke today my nine year old rolled his eyes HARD, shook his head and said, "I quit... I quit being your son."

Then I found him repeating the joke to himself and immediately telling himself to shut up while grinning.

It was glorious.

*Edit: Asked how many choplet cook chippies he wanted. He wanted three with a glass of milk

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πŸ‘€︎ u/never_grow_up
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2019
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How I get my toddler to laugh every time she "gets hurt"

Me: omg sweetie, bring me my phone

Daughter: daddy, I said I got hurt (whimpering voice)

Me: im calling nine- waaaan-waaaan ...(pretends to hang up the phone)...the waaambumance is on the way

Daughter: there's no waaaan waaaan on your phone

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bvillebball31
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Pearl Harbor of puns

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PraetorSolaris
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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Why was six scared of seven?

Because seven ate nine

But why did seven eat nine?

Because they say you need three healthy, squared meals a day

But it kinda sucks though how the Spanish magician, stole all of your three meals and disappeared without a tres

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MckiesDickies
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2018
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So There's A Bee's Nest In The Front Garden

My mum called a beekeeper, who was keen to come and take them away before something bothered the nest. So keen, he set off from 20 miles away at half nine at night. My dad's comment?

"Well of course he's keen, he's got some freebies!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/darkclone24
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2016
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I heard about the new Battlefront game from EA

So I asked ten of my son's friends whether they want to buy a different game console to get away from EA and did a follow up a few weeks later. After calculating and comparing the results from the surveys I came to the conclusion that: Nine in ten do switch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dfiggsmeister
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2017
🚨︎ report
An unbridled masterpiece of a horse pun to one of my students this morning. It's a long setup, but dads will appreciate it. This one really happened as written.

So, I'm a Spanish professor, and I gave a final exam this morning. One of the last parts was that students had to write a paragraph using reflexive verbs in which they describe their daily routine. Since the class only had nine students in it, I told them that if they wanted to wait, I would grade their exams for them and tell them their class grade.

It was an open-book final exam (11 pages long), so I was in my office, and a graduating senior finished first and gave me her exam. When I got to her paragraph, I saw that she had written in Spanish that every day she woke up, got up, took a shower, got dressed, brushed her teeth, ate breakfast, and then she and her friend Emmy went horseback riding. Now, I knew that she didn't go horseback riding, ever, but that it was vocabulary from the previous chapter. The following conversation ensued:

Me: Horseback riding? Really?
Her: Yep!
Me: Every day?
Her: Yep!
Me: Every single day?
Her: SΓ­, SeΓ±or.
Me: I guess you could call it a stable routine then.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wuapinmon
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2018
🚨︎ report
Here are some good ones

Doctor:"I've finished the diagnosis, you have ten to live" Patient:"Ten? Ten what? Months? Weeks?" Doctor:"Nine"


At the boomerang shop:"I would like to buy a new boomerang please, also could you tell how to throw the old one away"


Two elephants see a totally naked guy. After sometime one says to the another:"I don't get it, how does he feed himself with that?"


Patient:"Oh doctor, I'm so nervous, this is my first operation" Doctor:"don't worry, mine too"


A naked women robbed a bank, nobody could remember her face


A women in bikini shows almost 90% of her body, yet men are so polite they only look at the covered parts


"Grandpa, why don't you have any life insurance?" Grandpa:"so that all of you can be really sad when you die"


Dentist:"this is gonna hurt a bit" Patient:"OK" Dentist:"I've been having an affair with your wife"


Men 1845: I just killed a Buffalo Men 1952: I just fixed the roof Men 2018: I just shaved my legs


A women caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking his stomach. "That won't help you ,joe, you know?" "Oh it helps a lot" says the man"it's the only way I can see the numbers"


"Honey, why did you build the child's bed so high?" "We can hear it better if he falls out"


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πŸ‘€︎ u/Black_Mutant
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the dog refuse to get off the rug?

Because pawsession is nine-tenths of the law

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/redderdrewcalf
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2018
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My son got me good yesterday

He's nine, and we were talking about how he interacts with his younger sister. I sometimes need to correct some of his behavior, but I'm not too worried about it, "because your heart is in the right place"

Son: "yes, on the left side of my body"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drunkeskimo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2018
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
What even number becomes odd when you remove a letter?

SIX! If you remove the S you are left with IX, which is nine in roman numerals

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GiceVE
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my wife if I’m the only one she had ever slept with.

She said β€œYes.... all the other guys were nines or tens”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lasercats18
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.

She said β€œyes, the others were at least eights or nines”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EarlyEndTimes
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
🚨︎ report
Stopped by to get gas after my trip to Germany, and when the pump asked if I wanted a receipt

The nine button wasn’t working.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BALLOONCHEF1997
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me

My wife asked me if she's the only one I've ever been with. I replied "of course babe, the others were all nines and tens.."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iGinger_
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
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I asked my wife if I was the one she had been with.

She said 'Yes, all the others were nines or tens.'

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bryanBr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2019
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I heard that moles could be malignant so I asked my doctor about my two...

When the tests came back he said: "There be nine." Never trust a doctor who illegally downloaded his degree.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TowerSheep
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2018
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